Stop Living In Survival Mode

Survival mode can look like strength until it starts stealing your joy. I’m Elisa, and I’m telling the truth about the version of me that learned to survive “Lisa” and the version of me God keeps calling forward “Alisa.” When you’ve spent years people pleasing, overgiving, and staying in fight or flight, you can forget what your authentic self even feels like, especially when faith is real but your patterns are loud. 

I connect the dots between childhood grief, attachment wounds, and the way trauma can push you into performing for safety. I also share a turning point that shook me losing my car after a season of putting others first and hoping they would show up for me the way I showed up for them. It forced a hard question: if I say I trust God as provider and healer, why am I living like everything depends on my anxiety and my effort? 

Then we get into the messy part: family. I talk about a painful call with my sister, what forgiveness really requires, and why healing often starts when you admit the truth you do not want to say out loud. Boundaries are not hatred; sometimes they are the only way to protect peace, grow spiritually, and stop carrying what never belonged to you. 

If you’re working through Christian healing, codependency, people pleasing, or learning healthy boundaries, listen through and share this with someone who needs it. Subscribe, leave a review, and tell me: what truth are you finally ready to face?

You are Loved!

Not just a little, but greatly

Not just today, but forever

Not just by some,

But by the ONE who created you in His Love

And HE's Not The ONLY One

We Love You Unconditionally
                      &
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!

Listen and Subscribe on Youtube

https://youtube.com/@beclaypod?si=qY0dYDYXxviLM-l6

Follow Me on Instagram

@beclaypod

Follow I Spy You Buy for the best Philly Thrift Experience!!


@ispyyoubuy

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Welcome To Being Clay

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Be Clay. It's your girl Elisa. And here on the B Clay Podcast, for those that may be new, welcome. We are journeying through and learning how to just be clay. Which the position of clay is just to be molded and be shaped by the potter. Nothing else and nothing less. We're not supposed to be telling the potter what we're supposed to be and what we're supposed to be doing and what is our real purpose. Because uh that is not our job, okay? So, and

Locking In To Finally Graduate

SPEAKER_00 1:05

not just that's not our job, but not just saying things and not understand what we're saying, right? Because we walk around and we sing the songs and we say, Oh, you are the potter and I'm the clay, but yet we're not actually being clay. So we're just not just gonna say things out of mouth, we really want to figure it out, identify it, and then say when we actually mean it. With all that being said, so here we are. It is uh we are in July, okay. Uh happy July 4th, um, and everything else, and um, so since let's see, so we are in July, and uh for me, July and August is going to be very focused. We are locking in, okay. June has passed, um, and we're in July, and August we're locking in because the goal is to graduate, okay, finish all my classes at the end of this term, which this term ends on August 31st. Um, so locking in is the absolute focus because we gotta get this done. Okay, this degree has been uh 22 years in the making, and this is we got to get this done, okay? To say the least. Uh, long story short, with all that being said, um, yeah, so that's where we are. So, you guys pray for me. Uh, you know, those that here, my listeners that knows me, you know, keep me accountable. Like Lisa, what's up? Like, how many classes you get finished? Is week two, this and the other. Like, let's let's let's I need y'all. I need y'all to help me out, and so let's get this moving. Um, like, you know, bring up like hey, if you ain't got two classes in the by this day, then I just you know, bring, I don't know, make up some stuff, some things that you know that's gonna keep me motivated, that it's going to push me to, you know, um, to get this done, okay? Because it's going as I'm saying it, I know it sounds crazy, but I know I can do it as long as I lock in, and so that's what we're going to do. And then, you know, and I got a lot still going on, you know. I have my girls going to college, so now I got I'm gonna have three in college, and you know, all

Asking For Help Without Shame

SPEAKER_00 3:27

of that, but we're going to keep it moving. Um, I do want to say that it is also um just to uh piggyback off of my last episode about did I learn my lesson? Um, my daughters, my child my actually my children's party is coming up. Um, and so we are both that's a definitely um changing the mindset, changing the um, yes, we definitely changed the mindset and the way we're doing things. Um, about to um reach out to a lot of people for help and not try to do it by myself, and so yay me, okay, yay me. So with all that being said, here we are. It is uh 2024 part 5. And this is a lot for me, not a lot for me, but this is a lot, okay. Um I I don't to some degree I felt like every year

Why 2024 Feels Like Truth

SPEAKER_00 4:35

was a theme. Um I'm not exactly sure exactly what to call this, but 2024 was definitely an eye-opener, and it definitely was one that really just it was an eye-opener. I'll I'll maybe say that 2024 was the truth. Maybe we'll call it the truth, and so here it is, why is the truth? So in 2024, I really finally got to the root of the journey of what was happening and what has happened, and so meaning that so I explained to you that so my name is Elisa, but growing up for the most part, everybody called me Lisa. Lisa and Lily, that was my name for the most part. So there wasn't that many really people there called me Alisa, and I'm not saying that I hated it, that's not that's not what I'm talking about. But one thing that I realized early on that Lisa, right, did not cannot survive here. I think I explained that in a uh a previous episode or whatever, but basically she Alisa loved God,

Lisa Vs Alisa And The Root

SPEAKER_00 6:05

she was very close to God. She went to church every single day, but it wasn't just something that we did. She loved him, she really did, and that wasn't and I I guess to some degree the love that she had for God to really not just listen to the word, but actually be of the, you know, do it and things like that, and the connection that she actually had, then my I guess that challenged or convicted adults because they didn't have that much, you know, not said that much or wasn't that in tune to him. I don't know. That's what I felt like because the persecution that I received, um, not just the peers that was my age, it was just fine because you know, but the adults and those are older, it eventually caused me to develop these patterns and characteristics, right? That now that I learned what has to been this attachment theory, right? And I told you earlier that we learned about this attachment theory, but it started like now that's why I said 2024 it would be the truth because now I'm learning the root of where it came from. Why that I developed Lisa as this person that is able to survive in her surroundings. Alisa had to be buried because I and I re actually remember saying this to be honest with you. Um, and it wasn't I didn't say it to Elisa. I literally was just like, okay, you at least I didn't say Lisa to Elisa as I didn't realize, but I do remember. I remember specifically where I was. I was in my room, and um my grandmother had just died. She's been died, she was been gone for at least over a year now, and I literally was just um just you know surveying what has happened. I actually this is actually uh after a suicidal attempt on my life. This is what second grade, I guess. And I wanted to kill myself because I tried to me, I felt like I tried to live without my grandmother. My grandmother, as far as I was unconcerned, knew the whole Elisa and had the capacity. Now I don't I don't think I'm I'm not saying that there was absolutely nobody. I believe that there was one or two people that knew the whole Elisa, but um because of some other things, maybe in their life internally, wasn't able to give everything that I need. And so, but my grandmother, she was like, I didn't have to explain to her anything, she just automatically knew. So if I seen something and or whatever, I just went over to her and I'm about to tell her, Oh, you know, now that this is what I seen, but I didn't have to say that. She automatically understood, and she would just either pray, we should start singing or moaning or um whatever, and I was like, Oh, okay, right, and so you know, she was as far as I can still was to pour so much into me, and so um not realizing that she had to pour so much because she was about to leave yet, you know, but um, and even that was a big thing for me because I felt like I'm too much, I think. I developed because she had to pour so much that she had to leave, and then um that developed that part that that's why people don't want to be around me, that's why people don't want, you know, um they start saying, Oh, Alisa, you no one else thinks like that, you know, no one that's just you, that's not how I really it is, and you know, basically call me crazy and um and different things, and so I began to believe that I was too much. And the one that and it was act- I mean it was fine when I still had her around, but now that she's not here, it became difficult to s to live, you know, and to thrive. And so I remember having that conversation with myself and saying, You can't you can't be like this here because you will walk around life alone. And in reality, even though Lisa was always in survivor mode, she was always alone, always alone. Um, because she was by herself at the top, always pouring into other people, and not that many people really can pour into her in the same in the greater capacity that she actually uh needed. There was there was on constant, should I say, constantly. There were people that I'm not saying no one never poured in my life, but constantly. Uh, there was people that poured in, you know, certain on in certain areas of my life, but like constant pouring into um and it's not because there was I just learned that they don't have they didn't have the capacity to do so. And so Lisa was always in survivor mode. Growing up, she became full, like full Lisa, and once she told her self, you can't, you can't be you. You're too close to God, and people don't like that, and you can't survive here. And so I be I created someone else, I created different versions of myself that was going to that was going to, you know, be able to survive. Not thrive, but survive. So here I'm learning that now mind you though uh I didn't ever want to lose Elisa But I felt like I lost her. I as growing up, I lost her. When I came back to to God at 2015, Elisa was there. So here's what I'm learning in 24 is that so for about almost 21 years, since I was 15, when I okay, let's start over. When I came to God at 15, right? When I came to God at 15, I I was like, I told you all that I said, I don't want my mama's guy, I want my dad is God, I want God. I want you. I want this person that was, you know, I want I want you. I need you and I need you to teach me you because I and I want you to teach me how to be a relationship with you. And so that was the that was Elisa. Now I thought that was just Lisa who is finally free because I thought Elisa was gone. Because I've been Lisa for so long, I thought she was gone. And because Elisa did not really care about what other people think because she loved God. Alisa understood who God was, she understood, I mean, understood, I mean, really understand like how holy he is, and just for us to be that he wants to be in in a relationship with us, that's like, oh my god, that's a privilege, and we should not play around with it. Alisa did not, Alisa had boundaries. Alisa was, you know, that if people know, like Alisa didn't play games, especially when it comes to the things of God, like are you carry, are you serious? And especially, you know, and um she used to say, you know, what's wrong with you? You've been in you've been in church longer than I've been alive. Like you don't know that you have you been not reading the Bible? Like that's how she talks, like she talks with such authority, such truth. And so that's so I thought she was going. But now I started to she started to come out, and I started to walk and manifest in her and um and that in those teenage years, and so when people is and I didn't realize it, I really did not realize it. And really what made me be like that is because I can't believe that God still wants me after all these things that I have done, He still wanted me. Are you serious? Of course not. I'm not trying to be I and I know what it's be like to be in a one-sided relationship, so we're not gonna kind of continue to allow him to be in a one-sided relationship. Are we crazy? And so that unconditional agape love that he has shown, I want to be worthy of that unconditional agape

Returning To God Then Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_00 15:04

love, and so that's what it was. So no matter if people felt like, you know, owe you too much, I didn't care. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like it didn't it didn't bother me. It is what it is. You be how you want to be, and I be how I want to be, and let's keep it moving, you know, for the most part. Um, and so it went over my head. A lot of things went over my head to some degree, like I wasn't here just trying to be nothing, like whatever. If I was gonna sing, I'm singing because I love him and I'm not gonna sit there and play around with this with it. Are you serious? Like, I just that's that's that's what Elisa was. And Lisa was still there, but you know, to some degree, but trying to survive, but I still was pushing to be a Lisa, and then what happened? I got raped, my son was conceived, and then Lisa was full back, like she just came full throttle. And ever since then, I've been searching for Elisa, and so and I felt like you know, she's all the way going, right? She's all the way going now. And so, but I've been searching for her even from the beginning. Once my son was here, and some things was, you know, whatever. I'm like, okay, where's she at? Because I miss her. I missed her so much. I miss the joy that she had. I miss the vibrancy. I've I just miss, I don't that's a word, but it is today. Uh but I miss I missed that vibrant, that uh unapologetic person. I just missed that. I missed it so much. And we was in full survivor mode again, but even more of a survivor mode because um there were some relationships that I had picked up that I didn't that did not help me to get into a Lisa, but stay Lisa and not really understanding that this is not who I am. So I was always walking around like a fraud because it's like I don't like this person, right? We re this person was thrown away like I don't like her. So for so for the last 21 years, up until well, not 21, we'll say it's 21 now, but like up until 2024, you know, now I'm learning that uh Lisa Alisa wasn't gone, she was here the whole time, but uh Lisa is coming to is is coming out, but I don't recognize her because when in 2015 when she came out, I just was like, oh, that's Lisa who's free, but that really was Uh Lisa, you and and so 2024 was really the truth. I was really understanding like this is who I am, and um at the end of 2024, I was like, okay, this is this has always been me, and you I was looking for you, and now we're I'm finding you, and now it's time to walk as you. So uh I just didn't know how. So I had to read that's just say I had to relearn 2025. I had to we I'm I'm jumping ahead, but these last two years, well, year and a half, uh we'll talk about that and get more into that, but I really had to learn that like it was the beginning where I begin to identify what was happening. So at the end of uh October, actually, uh days after my birthday, like literally days after my birthday, um, I lost my car. And this is where I really realized that survival mode, and like I really was learning that survival mode, that Lisa, that codependency, that people pleaser, that one that will put others before you, even though it's be detrimental to yourself, and all of that, you know, trying to make sure everybody else is good, and just I would say knowing that people won't, but you still hope that maybe they would. And now I have allowed all of that to happen, and I lost my car. I got distracted as well. Uh, and I lost my car, and

Losing The Car And Hitting Bottom

SPEAKER_00 19:38

that was detrimental to me because this is the car that I finally built for myself. I worked my behind off, you know, to get this car and everything, and it was, you know, for the most part, everything that I wanted, and plus stuff, and it was and I could not believe that I allowed myself to lose this car. And um, so I lose my car and I tried to get it back, and the me trying to get it back, like I was up here like stressing out every single day or all day, and then it came to the point like Lisa, you're not you're not gonna be able to get this back. And I remember this day because when I when it came to realization that I wasn't going to be able to get this car back, it was actually election, I think it was election day or the day after election day. Um, I think it was the day after election day because I was sitting in the YY just crying, my eyes out, just boo-hooing, and so pissed off at myself for like why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you, you know, and just like I was ready to give up, you know, because you know, I literally was I was ready to give up because and it wasn't just because of the car, it was just how I lost my car, and I was looking at all the times where you know it's you, you know, you supposed to do this and then you didn't do it because you was helping someone and they say they wouldn't give it back and they never give it back, but you should have should have just figured it like you all these things what I should have done. Um, and I but say this is like I'm tired being this person, I'm tired of uh I'm tired. I'm just so tired of her. Like I'm tired of her. And my sister calls. Now my sister called. Now, let's let's okay. My sister calls, and I really want to bring this up because there's some things that came up of of last weekend, and then I haven't really, really uh at the wall giving to God about. And so my sister called, and then me and my sister, we we don't have a great relationship, to say the least. And I really want to put this out there for all those that have siblings, family members, or whatever, that you are like y'all. I won't say tolerate each other, but in a way you tolerate each other because that's your sister, right? And you know, as far as

Family Trauma And Hard Forgiveness

SPEAKER_00 22:20

I know, like even our family, they grew up like that's your family, like you should always supposed to love your family, this, that and the ever. And I'm not saying that, first of all, God said love everybody, so I'm not saying don't love them. That's not what I'm saying to you. But family could be the most detrimental peep purse people to your whole entire being, right? The Bible in itself says live peaceably with all men if it's possible. That means some people ain't possible, and I think majority of those people that it's not possible with is your family. Even Jesus said that he's not even welcome to his own people, you know, his own town, for the most part, paraphrasing that scripture. And so family can be the most, okay? The most. And I'm and that's why he said, Who is but your family, but those, you know, but your brother and sister and mother but those that are in Christ. Because once you come to him, you got a whole different family. Because your natural family, that's people you can't really, you can't choose who your family is, but after that, you can choose, right? So me and my sister, and I me and my sister has, and that's that'll be a whole nother series, okay? But me and my sister doesn't have a great relationship. There are some things that within our childhood that has happened. Um, there are some things that I have done and hurt her, but and now I have as much as I possibly can apologize. I can't take it back. I can't have a do-over butterfly effect was a movie, it's not real life, and so I cannot, you know, I just can't. That's not how real life goes. All I can do is apologize. All I can do is uh understand her feelings, but at the same time, what she wasn't, which what she failed to realize is that I'm I'm hurting too. Like it hated me that I it hated and that's not my saying, I hated myself for what I have put her through, especially since I was going through it myself. And I'm saying these things because sometimes we stay in our own trauma. You did this to me, and it's I'm not and it's not negating the fact that it happened to you. It did happen to you. Yes, it did, it happened to you. But sometimes I think I'll I'll say that the hardest part to forgive or to be able to really thrive and walk and heal is because we don't want the truth. And the truth is, and I'm talking about and I've been talking about the truth in the silly journey because this is a really helped me. Like I told you in 2020, wait, like a while ago when I needed to forgive somebody, and the Lord kept saying, Alisa, it happened to them first, and I was like, I don't care, like I l and I've been there, and that's why I'm speaking from experience. I have been there where I really literally sat there and was like, I don't care, you shouldn't have done it to me, da da da. But at the end of the day, they did this to me because it happened to them, and so they was really acting out on what has happened to them, and um, and they didn't know how to other process it or to heal because to be let's be honest, uh I love my parents and all, but they didn't know how to heal, and they didn't learn how to heal from their parents, and it's been a cycle of just walking around and just losing and never completely healing. Um, where we what we move and we have kids and we transfer all those things to our children, and we in this continuous cycle, so being in that moment that understanding I hate it for what I have done, my sister never until this day hates, she's never let that go. She still looks at me with those eyes, like I remember how you hurt me, and I'm I had to learn like I'm not like at this time in my life at 24 I literally was like I'm not a lot, I just don't care anymore because and I like I just assumed that we will never have a good relationship and I'm okay with it. Like I didn't want a relationship with her because if you are gonna constantly just sit here and only believe that oh, I'm just gonna look at what you did to me and never ever look at what I've done to you because I hated myself for what I'd done to her, and she can't, she couldn't fathom that. It was just as if, like, no, you could there's no way you can hate yourself because you know you still did it to me. But there was multiple things that she did to me and negated the fact of what the trauma that I have suffered for the things that she has done. Um, because one of the main things she used to say is we're not talking about me, we weren't we're not talking about me, we're talking about you. They was still that's what they favor line. We're not talking about me, we're talking about you. So I wasn't allowed to voice my uh my side. It was always about her side. And so at this day, she calls me and she starts talking about, you know, um, she starts talking about the election, and I could care less about no stupid election at that time. I I just lost my car. Care about that. And they gonna help me with my car? No, so I can care less. I really couldn't care less. And so she was upset because I could care less. And I'm like, I just lost my car and I was ready to give up. And she looked at me like, well, it's just a car, and I went off. And when I tell you, when I went off, she had it. I gave it, I gave it to her, and now they just didn't care. Like, I just she she just had it. I get once I let her have it, okay? I went off on her, and I'm gonna be honest, I didn't even care how she felt. I really did not. Um, everything that I've been building up, because in reality, even earlier that year, months, yeah, earlier that year, I knew that I I was uh it was a lot of buildup from years of you know a level of a lot of stuff. And because in reality, um I knew that me and my sister we were not going to be able to have a good relationship because of that one thing that she could not she just could not see her part in it. Like she could not and even the fact they come to realization, like stop telling me that you love me, but really you don't, you hate me. And that's what I'm talking about. It's it's hard for us to heal when we don't accept the truth. There's sometimes we just so say that we love somebody, but the truth is we don't love the person, we really actually hate them. Um, I had to even learn that with my own that I actually hated my mother, and I actually hated my mother more than my father. And so once I came to that realization that I actually hate her, that I don't love her, then I was able to release that hate, and now I can truly say that I love my mother. And so this is what I'm talking about as far as real true forgiveness and rude true, you have to accept the truth in order to heal. You will not be able to heal if you're still walking around with these lies. Like you have to accept the hard truths, the hard truths, right? Um, why and really ask yourself these hard questions of why you're not like healing. 2024 was that for me, where it was accepting hard truths of myself, and so you know, because at the end of the day, I don't need to be in survivor mode 24-7 because uh Jehovah Jaira, I know who he is, I know who Jehovah Rafa is, I know who Jehovah Nissi is, I know who Yahweh is, my Adonai El Shaddai. I know who he is. What am I what what am I what am I doing? You know, what am I doing? When it what am I doing? I don't need to be in survivor. Are you serious? Being a survivor mode 24-7 means I'm not allowing him to be who he is in my life. Because I'm supposed to thrive in him and he's supposed to thrive me. Um, and so I'm not walking in my full authentic self. And at this time, at this moment, like after I let my sister have it, um I literally, you know, after because I remember telling her, I don't want a relationship with you. Because she started talking about how, like, oh, I was hurting too. And I and I never said you were. And I I truly believe that you was hurting. And that's what that's the point. See, I accept the fact that I understand and know that you was hurting. You know, but I need you to accept the fact that I was hurting. Like you are asking me to accept the fact that I that you was hurting, but you don't want to accept the fact that I was hurting as well. Or we were both victims, or, you know, and everything else, like all of these things. And so I said, I don't want a relationship with you. And at that moment, I realized that I was I really had let that be the blueprint that I was really cutting off relationships

Boundaries Love From A Distance

SPEAKER_00 32:15

that was no longer serving me. And what I mean is that um really taking the uh because there was relationships that were serving me, but because the relationships that weren't serving me was uh put me in a place that I was not being a good participant in other relationships. And I'm talking about like friendships and all of that, and because I was always in survivor mode, and there was relationships that was keeping me in the survivor mode, that flight, you know, fight or flight mood, and I will be fighting and flight in the wrong relationships. I don't know if I'm making sense, but so now I began to really assess in all the relationships and begin to say, listen, I could love you from a distance, right? And I can do this, and you know, it's and especially with family. You know, you understand what I'm saying? Like I could the Bible, the Bible said live peaceably with all men if it be possible. Even Jesus Himself is like, listen, I love you, but he let you go to your own reprobate mind. Even him himself is gonna stay, you know, further away to some degree. And if you come back, if you really want me, see, like if you really listen, Jesus said if you Jesus said, Count the cost before you walk with me. And that's what I started getting. He tells, count the cost before you walk with me. So where what am I doing? Accepting just any of your thing. If he's not accepting any thing, why am I accepting any of your thing? If you really want to be in a relationship with me, then you would do the work. You will actually prove to you, you know, to me that you're in a relationship with me. And that's where I was, and that's why I told my sister, I don't want a relationship with you. If you really want to be in a relationship, relationship with me, then you would do the work. Because I was always the one, always the one who was calling this, reaching out, blah, blah, blah, doing all this stuff for them to just be, I'm not doing it anymore. Because he's not doing it. So when we come to like he already proved us that he wanted a relationship with uh with us. Now we gotta prove that we really want to be a relationship with him. And so am I better than him? No, of course not. So I had to learn these things, like, okay, now I'm not doing this. So I began to, you know, basically re you know, go into each of my relationships with my family, with friends, and begin to literally just say, listen, and now it's easier because I'm able to articulate better. Um, because I understand the you know, this this attachment theory, and I'm able to, I was, I I did identify what has happened, and so now I'm able to say, Listen, this is what I've been. I've been in this and I've been in that, and you know, I'm in a fight, flight mode, survivor mode all the all my life, and so here in this year, there was a couple of friendships or a couple of relationships that I reached out to that I was but I have not talked to me yet, but that's a different story. But this is where in November, December is what I've been again to do because my in my uh my plan was starting in 2025 that we was gonna walk in true uh our true authentic self as Alisa. Now I have to learn who she is because you know I barely was recognizing her, but you know, um we about to learn how to we're about to learn. And I said, I don't, you know, if God Himself give you up to your own reprobate mind, if you're like Lisa and God, I really don't want you, I really want to do my own little thing, he'd be like, alright, but baby, go ahead. So what what am I still trying to push and provide for people who don't who don't really want to be in a relationship with me? And I'm talking, and this is not, and I'm not, I'm talking my, you know, family friends. We all know we be trying so hard to keep people around that isn't that's not serving us, and it's okay to say, hey, you're not serving me, you know, and I'm not saying that I hate you if I don't hate you. I love you and I and I have unconditional love for you, but we're not going to, I don't need to keep you in my space, I don't need to continue to try so hard because what happens is, and what has been happening, is that I'm doing so much for this relationship that there's other relationships that there where people need me, and I can't be there for them, and then their blood will be on my hands. There's a calling on my life, there is you know, people that are assigned to me. Everybody has people assigned to them, and I can't be what I'm supposed to be in their life because I'm sitting up here focusing myself on people that no longer serve this purpose, right? And so this is this was the eye-opener, this was the truth. This was me really learning um who I who I it was a lot of things all at once, right? All at once, um, really learning who I was and whose I was, identifying who he really called me to be, and not allowing anybody, not even myself to some degree, because we had to learn, to, to, to say otherwise, right? To say otherwise, because they you know, people were oh, you always no, I don't always nothing. This is this is who I was, this is who I am, this is what this is that. Like, I'm not allowing you to dictate anymore. Because I was that's what Lisa was doing. Lisa was allowing people to dictate who she really is based upon what served other them better, even if it was like my sister, who oh you was the worst sister I ever had in my life, and you treat everybody better, and this and that. When in reality that the things that I was giving to other people as my sister, I was giving to them, but they just didn't accept it. They didn't want to receive it. So instead of just accepting uh understanding the truth on that matter, they just want to keep me at that person at that place where they can continue to keep beating up as the reason for my issues is your fault. And I used to accept that. I always took it, even things that wasn't my fault, I would take it as my fault because I would say, oh, I know how to deal with it, or whatever. But this day, I'm not taking things that don't belong to me. This part, yes, belongs to me, but that part does not belong to me, and I'm no longer accepting things that don't. I already got enough on my own plate. So why should I take things that doesn't belong to me? I I in in a rel I'm sorry you guys, uh someone came in. But um I'm no longer I'm just not uh at this point in my life in November, like after the conversation with my sister, it just it just brought more things to perspective of how much you have allowed people, everybody, my mama, my dad, like even my sisters, both of them, and this time, you know, there's some things everybody for the most part uh growing up. I have taken what you know, because everything that I've done, what I've wore, what I say, how I act, oh

Resetting Relationships For 2025

SPEAKER_00 40:05

let's not do this because they're gonna say this about you, or let's not do that because they go like all not no more. They could say, and not no more. So we were at the place, I'm not doing that no more. I'm not, I'm not doing it no more, and I'm not, you know, I'm just not. You know what I'm saying? I'm just not, I'm not. It's all about being who he really called me to be, and I'm not using you and your opinions or who you think that God called me to be. I'm going to the maker and I'm having a conversation, I'm talking to the manufacturer daily, and that manufacturer is telling me who he created me to be. Simple as that. Especially if I know that you're not actually getting it from the manufacturer himself, you're getting based off your own whatever assumptions are, then I'm not listening to you. I'm not, I'm not listening to you, and I'm not even listening to Lisa anymore. And this is a thing I had to learn, and I was learning at the end of 24. That's what this is what this was about. The truth has been throughout the year, the character versus the patterns is those things that I have developed based upon the different things that I have been through in my childhood, the traumas, the uh all of that, and you know, me realizing like you know, people don't like you because you're too truthful. You, you know, um, they don't want God. Some people just don't want God for real, and that's okay. I'm not telling you to want God for real because you don't have to. That's your choice. I want him for real. That's my choice. Whether you want him for real, that's your choice. I'm not trying to, I'm not even trying to persuade you to want God for real. Again, that is your choice because he tells you to count the cost before fouling him. Did y'all really understand and know that? He clearly says, Count the cost before don't just come, no. I don't want just people just running a bandwagon. Count the cost because it costs you something. Count it, figure it out. And so I'm not telling nobody to just say, Oh, I want him. No, this it comes with a cost. Are you willing to pay the cost to follow him? But now it's like if he says count the cost to follow him, then what am I doing here? Why am I just allowing myself to be in a relationship when people are not paying attention? It's gonna cost to be here, and then understanding what type of relationship should I have be with you. Everybody don't need to be my friends, everybody, some people just need to be just associates, right? Um, you're my sister, but I can love you from a distance, right? I can be there for you and love you. I had to change the trajectory of relationships, and that's what I was doing. And I was beginning to explain to everybody in the day of in nine in these end of this year, and be said and been being too able, I cannot talk, being able to accept and say Alisa, it is okay, and not letting people make you feel any better any worse. Because regardless, I'm trying to tell you the Bible. There's a reason why it says live peaceably with all men, if it be possible, because it's not always possible, especially with family, especially with family, they can be the absolute worst. You understand? Like, absolutely. Um, Jesus was even accepted by his family, and that's I think we have to really begin to really identify even Christ Himself and what he did in the relationships. That how and I'm it but that doesn't mean he didn't love us because he definitely did. He didn't stop loving us, it's just that that how he showed up in our relationships is in other people issues and and other things was different, and I had to start thinking like that. I started thinking like that what am I doing here? You know, as much as they as much as he loves us, he like it's your decision whether you come and come with me or not, whether you come to heaven or not. That's your decision. So what am I doing? Really begin to ask yourself these hard questions. And I'm gonna keep saying it because we we don't like to ask ourselves a couple of questions, we don't want to accept the hard answers. You know, that if we walk around telling us, I love you, but the truth is you really don't love, you really don't, you don't, you hate the person. You know, you really hate your mama, you really hate your dad, your sister, your husband, your wife, you know. Um, you're just saying that because you're saying that you love them because you're supposed to. As we learned, you're supposed to love your wife, and you seem immoral or you're a bad person. But until you really accept the truth that I really don't, and I think, and that's one of the things that I had uh with my sister is that she just couldn't accept the fact that in reality that she just she did not love me. She did hate me. I seen the hate in her eyes every time she looked at me. Um, I seen that the way that she talks to me and trying to portray that she don't, but in reality she did. And that's why I'm telling you guys, you gotta start paying attention for your own self. Do I really hate this? Because it's in areas, and I was able to identify that because in areas where I literally truly when I used I hated my mother, I can it was in my eyes, in my whatever, in my in my demeanor with her when she used to say stuff, oh my god, like you know, like and she just could say hi, and it just was and I'll be burning, you know. Figure it out, you guys. Figure it out, begin to figure it out, okay. If you are really telling myself, I want to heal, I want to, you know, move in God. He's gonna deal with all of that, the truth, not what we call the truth, because again, we lie to ourselves to keep ourselves in a space. Like sometimes we like to be in that victim victim mindset of being victim victimology. Oh my god, the victimology, we like to be always the victim because if we stay in that victim, that means we are justifying how we treat other people because we continue ourselves to be in that victim, but yet we still want God to be have us in the victorious. You gotta pick one. You can't you can't say, Oh, I got the victory all the time, but you want to stay the victim. You gotta pick one, choose which one you want to be, and then go from there. Um, as I close, so this is the end of 2024, because this is this was November, this is what December was. Me basically, you know, all of the rest of November, um, I really got to that part of like understanding where I I stood when it comes to relationships, and you know, um, like even like I said, I didn't want a relationship with her anymore, and I was serious about that. I didn't want a relationship with her anymore. Um, to this day, I'm not I, you know, there's some things that changed within that mindset, but at the same time, um, you know, uh you know, that's that as of 2025, I began to um basically trying to go back to the relationships that I have messed up being in the survivor mode and uh being able to articulate and let them know, like, listen, you know, I've been in survivor mode all my life, and this is why I became MIA or you know, went into the shell and all of those things to try to set up the clean slate for 2025 so that I can be renewed, and um, so that's what it was. That's what we're doing in 2025. Like, literally, like, okay, you know, I'm I was laying everything out on the table, like this is what this, this was that, this was this came from, this is what I learned from all my life, this is why I feel like this is what happened here. That's never that's what I was doing. So, with all that being said, we have finally got to the end of 2024, and then when I come back, we'll be in 2025. And that I'm telling you, when I I'm telling you, each year, end of the year was basically uh preparation for the new year because things didn't start like you know in month two, things started January 1st of that new year right away. Things was there and starting, and every time you get to a new place or a new mindset that I'm gonna change or I'm gonna whatever, there's always things right there waiting for you to test what you say. So that's why I'm saying you better learn and get the hard questions because it's going you're going to be tested on everything that you say, and that um new mindset, you're going to be tested immediately, like immediately, like for repair, like it's not even going to wait. So, I will catch you guys on the next one, and always know that you are loved, not just a little but greatly, not just today, but forever, not just by some, but by the one who absolutely created you in his love, and he's not the only one that loves you. We love you unconditionally, and there is nothing absolutely, absolutely nothing you can do to change that. You are the pastor, so I am a big lady, big clay.