Why Being The Strong One Makes You Tired

Your life can look “fine” while your nervous system is living in constant alert. I’m walking through why 2024 became an eye-opener for me, starting with grief, continuing through family pressure, and landing on a painful realization: a lot of what I called my personality was actually a collection of triggers I learned to function inside.

We get practical with attachment styles and real with the feelings behind them. I break down anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment (fearful avoidant), and I explain how people pleasing and codependency can hide in plain sight when you’re the one everyone depends on. I also talk about the pattern of leaving first, the fear that people only want the benefits of being close to you, and the deep ache of growing up without anyone asking the simplest question: “Are you okay?”

Then we take it where healing actually happens for me: becoming secure in God. Not performative faith, not “I surrendered” while still gripping control, but honest surrender with withholding nothing. If you’re sorting through emotional triggers, Christian healing, relationship patterns, and what secure attachment can look like in real life, this conversation will give you language and next steps. Subscribe, share this with someone who’s carrying too much, and leave a review with the biggest trigger you’re ready to face next.

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Not just a little, but greatly

Not just today, but forever

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Welcome And The Clay Journey

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Hello, hello, and welcome, welcome to another episode of Be Calais. Thank you so much for being here on this day. Thank you for tuning in. I appreciate it. You could be listening to anyone on else today, but you are here and it is greatly, greatly appreciated. So here on the Be Click podcast, we are journey of learning how to just be molded, not to fight the potter's will, but just be molded. You are on that journey with me as we are continuing to learn. Baby, first of all, uh we are still in 2024, right? Um, I will recap in just a moment, but as we are journeying through 2026, um in a way I almost can't wait to get to 2026 because especially as I'm looking back um throughout the years, um, for the most part, I've been looking back throughout the most of the years as I'm journeying into 2026 because I'm really there's a lot that I'm really learning why, you know, like okay, so now I see why God had me go through this. Now I see why I have got okay, that makes a little bit more sense. Now I see, like, you know, so yeah, but we're not there yet, but I'm gonna get there. Oh, it's gonna be exciting, though. I'm gonna let you know that right now. I don't know when we're gonna get there, but I'm gonna get there.

Why 2024 Feels Like An Awakening

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Um, so we are in 2024, and um, I did tell you guys that um we this may be uh multiple parts. 2024 was an eye-opener, should I say, maybe that's what I may call it. We're gonna call it for right now. At least the first half, should I at least uh 2024 was an eye-opener. Uh, I as much as an eye-opener, I thought 2023 was when I told you 2023 was basically the demolition of my the idea of who I thought I was, right? The false reality of who I was, the false Elisa. Um we 2024 was definitely an eye-opener. So let's recap. So we're gonna start off. So 2023, we are like I said, it was a demolition, and I explained to you guys that uh every year basically was, especially those last months of the year, was definitely preparation for the new year. I did not get any breaks, there was no gaps, it basically started off January 1st, okay? And so here we are,

Grief Hits And The Mask Cracks

SPEAKER_00 3:27

January. I explained it, January, but when I didn't mean that uh in March of 2024, I lost someone very close to me, and it it was a struggle, okay. It was a struggle at the same time trying to, you know, and did you know what? Let's go back because so I told you things everything starts right away in January. So in January, I told you there were some things that was happening, and I actually saw this person that passed away in March and January, and I remembering now I haven't been around this person for a little bit because I was in a place like was I was in a bad, bad place for a very long time, and so I only you know spoke to them through like you know social media basically and things like that here and there. And now I remember when I went there, uh, when I saw her, and I was like, okay, I'm good. Like I was so proud of myself in January 2024 because I got to the place where I was like, okay, I should be good now because you know I have did some healing and I should be good, and not knowing that it shouldn't be going two months later. So, you know, um and really yeah, it really was like less a little bit less than two months, right? Um but that that was that was hard, and so with that being said, again, it was an eye-opener because dealing with the grief of losing her and with a whole lot of things that was happening, that was coming all at once. Remember, in 2023, we was demolishing the false self. So that false self was still there. That false self is you know, I still had to learn which like I just learned parts of you know which was false and what's which was me was not really me. And so it, you know, I still was learning what was what it was, and so you know, and I told you that God had told me that everything you touch is you're gonna fail. And it's designed for you to fail. It was designed for me to fail just so that I can learn even the more. So as I'm moving through 2024 and grieving and what the grief looked like, the response that I get for how other people from other people and things like that, which is something I did have to learn because one thing that even the false person, the the what brung up the false person is was based on what other people say who I was, think who was. I basically shaped myself. Remember, I told you I shaped myself to was going to be more acceptable. So it always went off of what people think about me, right? Things they think about because that's what they say, or things they think about because I just assume because of other things, right? So I what I wear, what I do, my hair, all these different every part of me was okay, so what can I do to not be look crazy or whatever the case may be? How can I do this? How can like it's all it was been like that because again, I was shaping myself to be what I felt was going to be more acceptable by the mass majority of the environment that I was in, and so we have to dive deep into why, and so the why was these attachments, okay.

How Approval Shaped My Identity

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Now I explained to you that I am the disorganized attachment, okay, and I've learned that about the attachment through the breakup that's of B. Samoa and Megan Ashley. Love you guys. Um, but they, you know, went their separate ways, and and then them going separate ways. Of course, you know, they're because of, you know, they're in this because of who they are, you know, everybody's gonna make videos of everything in everybody's life because that's what we that's the type of era we live in, right? So, but this one helped me out because he didn't, this person did not just, you know, oh my god, it was just because B is selfish and blah blah blah. He wasn't giving into none of that stuff like that. He basically was breaking down that this was something basically was a two attachment theories, attachment styles that are come together that eventually is going to break up because of the fact that of the attachment. And until they both get to a place where they need to get to, you know, this was going, this was like basically inevitable, right? And so when he as he was explaining the attachment, like the anxious attachment and the um avoidant attachment, and he did not explain the disorganized attachment, but I after learning, because even when he was explaining both of them, um even though he was splaining both of them, you know, uh I realized that I was both in different areas. So basically, when you are disorganized attachment theory, which they call now avoidant fearful, but I I like the disorganized better. Uh when they you're depending on your environment, one is more dominant than the other. And so, depending on the relationship, one was more dominant than the other. And so um, for those just to get do a quick overview of what attachment styles, you can look it up. I actually're supposed to put, I'm gonna make sure I put some videos under just for those who will know. If you need to know exactly what some of these things that I utilize to help me to get to where I need to get to, just let me know.

Attachment Styles Without The Jargon

SPEAKER_00 9:47

So you have the anxious who basically has the, you know, one, you know, that is gonna do whatever they need to do so that you won't leave me. This is the one who basically was abandoned as a child and just know that, and then not and not just abandoned, but because they were abandoned, they just something happened where they just said, Oh, they left because I'm no good, right? Or something. It was something that I have done to allow you to leave. And so they grew up in that an environment where they always feel like everyone's gonna leave because of them. So they grew up feeling as though every I have to do whatever it takes for those people not to leave me. So the code they're very high with the codependency, people pleasing, and you know, because that's where they find a sense of identity. If you need me, you won't leave me, basically. Right? Um you and your triggers, um they, you know, there, and there's a lot of triggers with them. Okay, they don't know how the communication is uh janky sometimes. It's and they're very sensitive to just about almost everything, okay? Because if it looks like you're about to leave, they triggered, okay? And it feels like you're about to leave. If you become a little distant, this they triggered. So with the avoidant, right, and more so like they're avoidant, and more so like dismissive. There's different parts of avoidant, but you got the dismissive avoidant, where basically um at first they like, you know, they want, because they want a relationship, they want closeness, they want intimacy. And I'm not just talking about necessarily, we're not just talking about relationships as far as like romantic relationships, we're talking about even with friendships, right? Um, they want the closeness, they want all of that, but at the same time, they cannot trust it. These are the ones who grew up and realize that, you know, if they express their emotions, then they was looked at like something is wrong with them. Like, don't do that, don't cry, things like that. So they don't know how to really express their emotions. And the only person that they really can depend upon is themselves. Everybody let them down. So they only could depend on themselves. And so what they do is they start off on their relationship, and you know, everything is going after while they're, oh my god, this is getting too close, it's getting too much. You know what? Let me back out. Okay, baby are always ready to back out, and um because this is not this is not real, right? This is not real. Something that you know, something's about to happen, and then they're gonna leave you, and then you're gonna leave you stuck to deal with your emotions again, and you remember you're not great in emotions because someone told you that having emotions is wrong with you, and something's wrong with you, right? You're not supposed to cry, you're not supposed something, something and mostly cry like you're not supposed to be vulnerable. Vulnerable is being vulnerable is wrong. It's that's crazy. Not that's that's bad. It's taboo, right? So your triggers, that's you know, there's the intriguers now being a dismissed, being a disorganized, you built on at the same time. You are always ready to fight and you always ready to flight all the time, every time. Um triggers is like, oh god, everything triggers you. Um, basically, all right. It's it's exhausting. Like, to be honest, I'd rather be one or the other. I don't know which one I would rather be if I was going to be one one of the two, but everything triggered me. Everything. Now, for those, I'm telling you, for those that know me, and I'm this is bringing me to 2024 because in April, I um, like in a I think it was the end of March, but most like April, when I learned about it, like when I was introduced by the the YouTuber who was breaking down B. Simone and Megan Ashley's uh breakup, and after that I began using more, you know, going dive deeper into more, you know, on YouTube University and listen to other people and things like that. And then that's why I learned, I said, because I was like, I'm both. I knew that I was both when he was explaining because I said, and when I was balling, it was because it was one relationship, but I realized I was more of the anxious person and explained to me why things were where they were and my behaviors and what I was doing in that relationship. But I know there was, but I began to see other relationships where you know, whether it was with my sister and where it was with other people where I was and avoided. So I'm like, I'm both, and then I learned about the that, but one there's an attachment style that I didn't bring up, which is the one that I was like, oh, we gotta get there, which is secure. That means you have a healthy balance of of your emotions, you have a healthy balance in uh in your relationships. You you know, there was very minimal to triggers because you understand that I don't have the people please, you know, for people to stay here. Like if they go, I'm good. Like I'm okay if people leave. Um, I'm okay if people get close to me. I don't, it's okay. And then if they do something, then it's wrong, I'm still okay. Like no matter what, I'll be okay. These um I I'm not gonna say I haven't had met that many people secure. I'm not gonna say that. Um, but secure attachment style was not something that was not in my upbringing. I could tell you that for the most part, at least I haven't seen it. Um, there's those who pretend to be secure and they weren't, and um they they was telling themselves they are, but in reality that's just because they didn't really want to deal with the parts that there's not. So um, yeah, so these people have uh their very their behaviors and things, they're there, it's okay. It'll be okay, and that's where I was kept saying, I gotta get secure by tomorrow. That's what I say. I need to be secure by tomorrow.

The Push Toward Secure In God

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Like I can't stay here, and and you know, I told you guys the Lord knew that I need to have six kids because that made me think and catapult me into um getting healed, you know, because I said, we can't stay here. I got six babies, I have six generations, we can't stay here. I be as I began to learn these things. I I you know I had a meeting with my my children, like, you know what, guys, I'm sorry. I didn't understand. Now I understand. And I start explaining to them and everything else. I was apologizing for like these last whatever years each I had each child, but it's okay. We here now, we're about to keep it moving. At that time, my son, my oldest was already, he already 24. So he already finished his first year of college. And um, yeah, I think he was just home for a little bit, right? So, but you know, and I was just like, listen, you know, I messed you up. I messed you up to this time, but let's we can keep it moving, right? You want to go to the Lord, just I need to go to the Lord, right? And for the rest of who I'm the rest of you guys who I am basic who I'm still raising, we are now raising, I'm going to now raise you of how to be secure. And so, uh, but not just secure, but securing, secure in God. And so actually, the thought of this podcast came in uh uh in May. Was it May? It was in May, because uh, first of all, during this time frame, each area that I was in, especially in 2024, I literally was, I saw myself really, really expressing to people around me, not necessarily on purpose, but you know, they people were asking questions, and so I was giving them the answer. And um telling them where I was and where I am now, especially because at that time, um, like I said, not only because not let me tell you something. In 2024, not only was I was I not only was I not relearning who Alisa really is, but I literally, and that only in 2023 was a demolition of oneself as who Alisa is, but there was also the demolition of the role of a female. We will get into that because that is a whole series for women, but I'm telling you, baby, like the Lord was like, uh-uh, whatever all this you see what you learned, throw it all away. All that's wrong, and I was it was not when I tell you that that instruction, that was part of this, that was the introduction, so was one of the introductions. So we won't get into all of that, I promise, because that right there, and so when as I was going through these things and whatever, I every point of it, I saw myself talking to other people, especially females, and and working things, and it was like, girl, what is going on? And I was like, I need to write a book. I was like, You need to write a book, you need to get a pocket, something like that. Now, I did decide to do a uh I actually had a YouTube channel already, so I decided to go back to a YouTube channel, and the YouTube channel is going to be how to become secure in God. Because I didn't see no one talking about how to become secure in God. Secure, yes, but you're talking about secure in God, meaning I don't have to stay here because, not just I have to stay here uh because, you know, you know, because people who not, you know, atheists and all them, you know, they didn't they feel like they only need to stay here because it's not healthy and things like that. But I don't need to stay here because I know who my God is, and that's the thing. I don't have to stay. That's why I said I need to be a secure bride tomorrow. Because I know them who my God is, I know who he is, and I know what he can do. So, baby, let's go, God. We out, let's go. We we in this thing, let's let's go. So, with that being said, I was immediately tested.

Chicago Tests Every Weak Spot

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Thank you, Holy Spirit, because he reminded me even of things I'm going through now. Of course, you're gonna be immediately immediately tested. Okay, immediately tested. You think you right, God. So, with all that being said, uh before I start crying, um in May, in May, you know, I told you I bull, right? So in May, every May we go there's a tournament that we do, that I do. And so this tournament was in Chicago, and every, I mean, when I said that was tested in every area of my life, I was tested immediately. And I'm talking about to the core, but I was welcoming the test, right? It wasn't easy, it was very hard. Um it was very hard because it wasn't just um let me see, how should I put it? It was um me. The test. Uh I'm trying to figure out. Okay. So I am both, right? Let's just start from there. So I'm both, right? So I'm a fight or flight. One of the biggest things, like the people pleasing, like and that codependency, one can look like that's a strong, a strong sh uh suit where it's like I have to be trustworthy. People have to depend upon me. That's one of the things, right? People have to be able to depend upon me because if you need me, then you won't leave me. However, I there was a very Strong suit where it wasn't just it wasn't just you needed me, but in some areas I was enabling a lot enabling a lot so because I was so invested with everybody else and there and I was ooh I was I was so because because I was the one who that took care of everything the other person decided or the other people whatever how many parties and they just like you know what she got it I don't need to do anything and so in my codependency in my um the the people pleasing in my in those areas I no remember no one never asks me for the most part in majority of my relationships and I'm talking about family, friends, uh co-workers, whatever case may be, to the to some degree, no one never really asked me, Alisa, are you okay? No one really asks if Alisa, like you know, whatever. So I and it it was because leading up to me learning about detachment theories, I was crying, I was struggling because of that one particular thing. And I was saying, I have I have insecurities too, I have anxieties too. Like there are things that I I have triggers too, but I'm always was I was always worrying about someone else's always. So I won't say certain things because this might trigger them, and I know it would trigger them. I won't do certain things because this won't like you know you get what I'm saying? Like I just I was always worrying, like really, really, I mean heavily worrying about everybody else putting extra work to make sure that they are okay and forget about me. But at the same time, I just wished at one time that someone would thought think about me for real, for real. Now, I'm saying I was tested because in May, um, actually like this timing, um, there was uh something going on with me and both my sisters, and there were some things that they was bringing up and it just pissed me off. Like it literally pissed me off. And then also because there was someone that I work with that remind me of one of my sisters, um, it really like I it really I was struggling and I knew that um and I actually no later on, but I actually but it was really I was trying to figure something out and I realized that it had to be something in me because I shouldn't feel this way. I actually had to really pray because I was at the point where I was like, I think I hate my sister. Like it was ridiculous it was bad, and there were some things, but it's always because everybody was always thinking about me, me, me, because they're so used to me taking care of them, but I have issues too, and I need to, and I got six babies. Like I feel like I felt like at the end of the day, I should have been more people more worried about to and agree because I have all these kids and things going on. So, you know, yeah. So the testing was really learning how that I'm okay if no one else if I'm not the one that everybody leans on. Uh the other, and so that was hard because I've been so used to, even still hard today, uh, because I'm so used to being everybody's go-to person for everything for for advice, for this, even though I'm a if you don't ask me for advice because I'm gonna give you the truth and people don't like the truth. So don't ask me. Like, be honest with you, do not ask me. Because one of the things that so I'm gonna bring up one of the biggest things that in total, I'm gonna say, um, so my sister says something to me, which I learned this already. And this is why I tell you that I'm the fight of flight, right? Because if I feel like I'm in a place where, again, I'm both. So if I feel in a place, if I feel like I was in a place where I'm causing something, right? I told you that I will leave you before you leave me because I got to savor where that relationship is. A lot of times also, if I feel like like I'm not the one, like some people, they don't know that they actually, like, if the relationship is not working, they don't realize that they're the reason why that the relationship's not working. They're the ones that blame everybody else, but they don't understand they're the most offensive part of the relationship. And so because I if I if it looks like I'm offending you in some way, and it could be offending just because of the my walk with God, period, right? Then I will walk away. I will move away first. Or if I feel like that, you know, something if it just feels uneasy and it may be me, I'll move myself away. Because I never wanted to be that person who just sit there thinking everybody likes her. To be honest, I felt like no one really likes me. People just around me because I'm good or like like because of who I am, um, and I fight for people. I don't care if I don't care if I met you for one day, once I met you and I see like something, whatever, I'ma fight for you. It's whatever. So those are good qualities that I have, and so they would like to stay around me just for those benefits, right? So, but they don't mean they really like me, they just want the benefits. I never at this point, I never thought that people like I'm telling you, even though even with and I just started that podcast two months ago, and I had got a great response, and I was surprised. I just assumed that, you know, when I start this podcast, I'm just gonna be doing this, and then, you know, it was gonna be what's gonna be, and no one, everyone's gonna say, Yeah, I'm gonna listen to you at bright school, but I never expected no one to actually do anything for me because I was used to nobody really doing anything for me. Like I was used to people, I just was not really used to people really being there for Alisa because Elisa always got it together as far as they concerned. And the way they thought that I, if I didn't have together, that's not

The Pattern Of Leaving First

SPEAKER_00 28:26

even what it is. So I'm gonna say this because my sister um expressed to me that they will say they will lie to me or not really say certain things to me because Lisa, you always leaving. But if I felt nice to say, why do you think I'm leaving? Like, you don't think that maybe you should look at your side or your part in the relationship of why that I'm leaving? So, like, if you're doing something, if I and and I be peeping at beforehand, so I leave so that you won't be doing that. Like, why would I want you, why would I stay in a relationship or stay in a position in this relationship if the only way for us to be in this relationship, you gotta lie to me. Did that make any sense? So, since instead of you figure out why you have to lie to me, you rather just just continue to lie. I'm not gonna allow you to put yourself in the position to keep lying to me. I might as well just leave, leave, right? So that is so, but when I leave myself from the situation or from the relationship, people were getting mad at me. And I couldn't understand why. And that's why I said when I'm talking about so I really had to dig deep of, you know, because that was a big thing. Like, what are you getting mad at me for for leaving to make things easier for you guys? And then, like, at the same time, do anyone think that that's that's the main reason why I leave? Because you're lying to me, or you won't say certain things, or whatever, like the your behaviors, like anyone ever think that? I have triggers too. Do you understand what that really triggers for me? And so I have anxieties too, and that's I just kept saying, like, you're not, oh, I knew this. You didn't know because you don't know me. And that's when I really understood that my family really did not know me because I kept these triggers and everything, all these things inside me, and I never spoke it, spoke on it. I just was make sure, Lisa, you got it, you got it. Every time something big happened, like when my dad left, it was like Elisa, you ain't got time to think about yourself. You gotta be there for your mom, and you gotta be there for your sisters. You you can't do that. So, how they feel about your daddy leaving, how they're gonna, you know, all those. So that's what you so I'm always, I was always ready to put myself on the back burner and always, you know, be there for everybody else, right? You gotta be the man in the house. Remember, I told you that, you know. Now before you knew that your dad was leaving, because you knew that before that's why you had to start saying that you was gonna be the man in the house, but now you and now you actually have to be active in this role. Like these are the things I have to be the one you gotta take care of everybody, you gotta do it, you gotta do it. That's I you have to do it, you have to do it, because they don't know what to do. But at the end of the day, they had to figure it out, and so this is where I had to learn. It was the reality check for me, you know, testing and you know, where my mindset comes from, where the behavior comes from. And I'm saying, like, even in Chicago, I was tested. Um, and I was telling one of my friends, you know, they was upset at the way someone did something. I said, no, I need it just to happen because remember, I told you I'm trying to be secure. One of my triggers is, you know, the way people look at me. And, you know, I just assume that, you know, especially a male factor, you know, um, because I'm not allowed to make a mistake. Remember, I told you that's how I grew up. So, you know, if it looks like I'm making a mistake, if it looks like um all of that, then I just can't. But I needed all of that to happen because we we're trying to be secure. And so every part of why I think the way, you know, why I do what I do was testing. Okay, so why you think like this? Um, where this come from. And uh so that was a testing period for me. It was May and June was deeply like I had to literally say, you know what, I'm done. And I had to stop talking to my sister at that because at the same time, um, both of them actually, I didn't start talking, stop talking to them. I had to, I think I actually even that time, uh, I think maybe later in the summer, but around that time, had to limit my conversation either with my mama because at the end of the day, one, because as me trying to be secure, all the reasons of why I'm where I am was like flooding, right? The um big and then I had to remind myself that they don't know. They didn't know what was going on literally in my mind, they didn't understand the like they really did not understand my triggers. So later on they began to understand because I began to express it. But up until then, all this was uh coming to the surface of why I take care of everybody, but why didn't you never and I but it was also at some time wishing that you just say, well, what about Alisa?

Becoming The Caretaker Too Young

SPEAKER_00 33:30

So just like my dad, right? So my dad, when I was um, when I was in high school and I was in ninth grade, uh a lot was going on, okay? Um I moved in with my daddy and to go to the school is in that you were only allowed to go if you lived in the area. And there was a um there was a thing between my mom and my dad with that, right? Long story short. And at first things was okay, but I went through you know, it's high school. Let's just be honest, it's high school. So I went through stuff being the new person because it wasn't just new as a freshman, but it was new in this area. Everybody, you know, you're in the outskirts. First of all, I was in the outskirts of Philly, so everybody in the outskirts of Philly is only one high school or two high school, one high school in the area, one elementary, and like, you know, maybe two elementaries, but it's one middle, but it's not, it's not like Philly. In Philly, there's like 15, 20 high schools, you know. I'm saying there's like 30 high schools, 30 middle schools, 30 elementary schools. So if you if you knew to that school, you new to the school. But here, if you knew to this school, you're not just new to the school, you new to the whole everything. And so I had to deal with that. And it wasn't the best, again, because it's high school. So that's just start that's that's just leave it at that. So with all that being said, um, one thing I realized is that when the parents, listen, this is not, this is not, please, please, parents of the generation, of that generation, please listen. If you're listening to me, please have an open ear to this, what I'm about to say. But, and I say that because I talk to a lot of people who are my age or my decade, whatever, and we say the same thing. Our parents, you did not, y'all, it's like y'all forgot that we're human beings as well, right? It's you forgot that you just thought that because we're kids, I'm it just well, this is what it seemed like. That is because we're kids, we don't go through anything, but we do, right? When you go to school, you still go through stuff. We still, there's still emotions, there's still a lot of things that you have to deal with with, you know, whatever, school of school. Because you're in school with other human beings and other kids, and kids can be mean. And because they got other stuff they're going through at home and everything else. Y'all went to school, I don't know what happened. I'm not saying, and I figured that y'all went through things too, and y'all parents did the same thing, maybe, and that's why you did the same thing when it comes to us. But baby, I I can't do that. I don't do that to mine because at the end of the day, I remember y'all human beings as well. You know, y'all go through things. It matters when your friend's not talking to you, it matters when to you when you come in and you like all that stuff matters. It matters with grades and whether you like all this stuff matters to you. And so a lot of things happen to me in ninth grade, and I was just going through it again because no one never really asked Alisa what is wrong. And Alisa is just used to figuring it out on her own. She's the only person that she really can deal with because no one really asked, hey Alisa, this don't look like you. What's going on? Are you okay? Like no one really asked those questions. They didn't really ask those questions. They just assume I had it. And for the most part, I'm, you know, because I feel like no one, I couldn't, no one was gonna ask me, or no one can really relate to where I am, I just kept it moving like that. And I was functional for the most part. But I think at this um, you know, like and I I really was functional for the most part. Um, throughout most of my life, I was functional as much as I need to be. And uh so I just kept on. But now it's like I don't want to be functioning in that disarray like that. I don't want to be functioning and always everything's always a trigger. I did not want to stay here. So um so just like in ninth grade, where the first half of ninth grade, okay, like I was functioning, but then the last half of ninth grade, well, I guess the last the latter half of the what the what the latter part of the la of the last half of ninth grade. That's what I'm trying to say. So in ninth grade, we had two semesters, so it was just like college, it was just like college. So the first part of I guess what you would call my spring semester of ninth grade, I I was okay, but the last half I wasn't. And because of the back and forth that I was going through with my mother and my father about me living with my father. And I just was I remember asking the question, hello, does anyone care how this is affecting me? Like I remember, I never asked them that question because I knew to what I understand, like if I asked that question, I wouldn't have got an answer to that. The answer would the or the response would have been, we don't care. Because so I never asked it. But that's what I was used to, right? I was used to no one really understanding what your, what everybody's like whatever you do and don't do, your decisions, your responses, this may affect Elisa in a negative way. I never I was used to people not really, and if they thought about it, at least it was not expressed so that I can understand and know that that you actually thought about me in that way. That this might affect her, and that I need to figure it out so that it won't affect her this bad. Am I making sense, you guys? So now that I'm grown, I'm still operating in that. No one really cares about you, Alisa. No one really cares about your struggles, your insecurities, your anxieties, and that you're triggered every single day. Because and then because and now I was like when I say the reason why is it because these are the things I felt all along, but I didn't know how to approach God with it.

Naming Triggers And Surrendering Fully

SPEAKER_00 40:21

And so now I had the knowledge of how to come to the prayer and say, listen, God, I'm realizing I'm being triggered, right? These things are triggers. Now I'm now like I said, May was testing because now I'm learning what is actually a trigger, right? Everything, why I act the way I act, while do what the oko, these are triggering. So what is it triggering? It's triggering this part of me, it's triggering that. Oh, you know, you got like you know, these are the things, this is what so what part of you or what part of this is it of these things triggering? And so this is why I'm saying, when you when we in we are in this healing journey, you have to be willing. Again, my last episode was talking about you have to be willing to understand that maybe the person I thought that I was was not who I really am. That I was just operating and functioning in the of one person that is always triggered or these are in triggers that I just and I just created this person around, like I created a person around this, and I just assume that's who I am. And no, that's not who you were. That's just you were just triggered. You were triggered, and you learned how to function in your triggers. I learned how to function to a degree in my triggers. I still was getting A's in my triggers. I still was going to church with the triggers. I still was preaching, I still was singing, I still was doing all these things in these with these triggers. And so now God was still you, I mean, he was using me and he, you know, I was doing this and that and the other, but there still were things that was triggering. And a lot of times, not that he wasn't trying to do because he couldn't, or he's gone, he can heal everything. He sure can. If you give it to him, I didn't give it to him because I even realized what I needed to give. Like, even when we say, God, I surrender all, we really don't we surrender all. We say it, but we really don't surrender all. And I'm even saying that in regards to of like what I'm dealing with now, where um the Lord asked me a question this weekend, even it was like Alisa, like what I said, God, well, what do you want me to do? Because I just can't, this is like what like I don't know what you want from me. And he said, just trust me. And I was like, God, like you serious? Like I like you understand what I'm saying? We say things, like I'm giving, I am going to give it to you. But then I in reality, I still knew and I felt myself holding him back because I felt like this is this is the end for me, like this is the end for me. I'm about to just give up because this is ridiculous. I can't get, I just can't, I'm just so tired. But if when you surrender everything to him, you surrendering everything to him, withholding nothing. And so going through, so even though I was functioning or think I was functioning, right? I really wasn't functioning, and I really wasn't giving him everything, and I was withholding a lot, right? And so um 20 this this time, I was testing on every area, learning what exactly was my triggers, and that was one of the main things was Alisa got anxieties too. Did you ever ask me? Do you think that's what even with them thinking my sisters thinking that they was actually helping me, didn't even understand that it was actually triggering me. That right there is a trigger. That right there is like this is why I need to stay away. Like that. They didn't understand that that was actually triggering even the more so. Their actions, their reactions, their responses, those, oh, we're just not gonna tell Elisa this because she's gonna leave. I'm leaving anyway. Like the fact you get what I'm saying? I'm going, you go, you're you're actually pushing me away to leave, right? Um, and then they get mad. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, that triggers me to leave. I'm not gonna stay here with that, right? Um, and I and I used to I was getting upset and I was mad. Like, you didn't say this, like I was like, I was pissed off when I was hearing those things. It's like y'all don't even think, y'all don't even think. That means y'all don't even pay attention, you don't study me enough to know, right, what is actually my trigger. You just take whatever is your triggers and assume that's my triggers, and that's not my triggers, right? So, um, but again, so even like I said, bring it back to like ninth grade, where my dad, because my grades was going down, and I'm gonna bring this up again because we're talking about triggers, right? So this is weird, this is this is one of the core wounds of why I'm always ready to leave. Um, why I feel like at least are you the only one that you can depend upon. Because when my grades began to slip, now not excluding the fact that I was going through a lot, but when my grades was slipping, my dad never asked the question, are you okay? And that's all I asked. That's all I was wanting for him to do. I was at that time, I remember like if he went in his little talk, in his talks that we about to have about why my grades are slipping, that he's gonna ask me, Are you okay? Because he knows he should know me, right? He knows that I'm a straight A student. So if my grades are slipping and my grades are where it are, that's not who you are, then something is going wrong. And I need to know what's going wrong. So I was just waiting for him to ask, and that's not what I was getting. What I was getting was you're never gonna be, you're not gonna make it because this is gonna be in your permanent record, and this and the other, and then and then just made me feel worse about myself, and even the more so, like I said, I'm used to functioning, and I'm used to that anyway. So, um, because remember, like to be, I'm gonna tell you something right here. Alisa is the one baby, you don't really have to beat me up because I'm beating myself up. I I beat myself up worse than like and people beat me up, don't get me wrong, but I still beat this baby. I beat me up way more, like I'm very, very excruciating hard on myself, and we're working on it as of today because it's not you, I don't need to be that hard, but it's hard. We're remember, I told you it's levels to this stuff, so I have come far, but I have a far way to go. But I beat myself up tremendously, like I, baby, by the time you get to start people start to beat me up, I'm already bloody. Okay, so with all that being said, um, my dad was telling me that you know, you're not gonna make it, you're not gonna be able to get a good job, and different things like this, and it made me even worse and beat myself even the better worse, and I wasn't able to function even the more so. Um, it wasn't until I did actually have my teacher who asked me, Are you okay? Because she saw and knew that this was not me. And then even have the conversation with my dad, even knew, even understood the more so, and said, you know what? I'm gonna make it so she won't fail. And it was that that helped me out, right? Because I just all I wanted was someone to understand me. All I wanted was someone to understand that Elisa have triggers, she has anxiety, she has insecurity, she has issues, she has problems that Elisa feels she ain't she gets angry, she's scared, like she's not this person who just walk around and just like you know, got it all together. She does not. And just ask me, and I can tell you, you know, but why do we not? And why is it the fact that you just assume that she doesn't have if you have it? Why do you think that I don't have it? You think I'm not in you think I'm not a human being all of a sudden? So all I wanted, so this was me really digging into this month, these two months was really me digging into that. It was hard, it was painful, but I was I didn't care. I welcomed every test, I welcomed every feeling, I welcomed everything. It was hard. Don't baby, it was hard, baby. It was excruciating hard. But I said we got to be. I just kept saying everyone who knows me, who's around me, they just heard me kept saying, I gotta be secure tomorrow. That's why I kept saying, I gotta be secure tomorrow. I gotta get this thing together. With tears in my eyes, I'm gonna get like I was a blubbering mess like every single day because all the triggers was coming up, but I didn't care because we got to go. And then people like I was like, no, we gotta do it, we gotta do it. Like, I was serious about this thing because I have to be secure by tomorrow. I can't stay here. I kept telling people, I can't stay here. That's why I kept saying, I can't stay here. And it was hard, I mean, it was so painful because of why the whys, the whys, why you feel this way, Elisa? Why are you here, Elisa? Why do those hurt so bad? Why you think you gotta why you see, and then it's like, all right, we're not gonna run this time. We used to running all the time, or we're not uh we're not running, we're staying still, okay? Like it was very, very hard.

Self-Audit And Letting God Remold Me

SPEAKER_00 49:59

Um, but I had to really, really dig deep. I had to really, really take a self-audit, and I had to really understand the shift because of like okay, we're we're moving. And that's when the podcast, because as I was going through it and I'm telling people they was, you know, they wanted more because they don't have we only got about 10 minutes at work and things like that. And so that's when the podcast started because um, as I really was digging deep to the journey of because it's all about being clay, allow God to shape and mold you because he had to basically break me down and re shape me and remote me because the person that I was was horrible. Like, you know, it wasn't good. I can't I cannot function and survive in the things and thrive in the things of God with this, with all this in here. I mean, how what you can't do this. He had to break me and it was not easy. He had to shape me, he had to put me in the kiln, he had to he had to do a lot and it wasn't easy. But we was like, come on, let's got let's go, God. We got to go, we got to go, we gotta we can't stay here, we cannot stay here. And so, with all that being said, uh tune in for continue on 2024 was a lot, okay. We just got to June, so uh continue to tune in for the rest of 2024, 2025, and then eventually finally 2026.

The Challenge And Final Blessing

SPEAKER_00 51:19

And so until the next time, first of all, I'm gonna leave you with the uh with a challenge to really if anything's relate, like are you the real person or are you just functioning at your false identity, right? Did you just get triggered and just shake a person around that and just say this is who I really am? Right? Think about that. Think about it, and don't go by now for those who are in God, okay? Because I can only talk to those who are believers, I can't talk to you know, but for those who are in God, allow him to really show you and tell you who you really are. Because obviously you have to understand we lie to ourselves, and the eyes are lie, so begin to say, God, show me who I really am. Who you who did you really create me to be? Okay, for everyone else, you begin to just look at yourself, whoever you think, whoever your God is, you your own God, you begin to you begin to look at yourself and to see if that's really you. Because you might be that one in that relationship that is the reason why it's not working. So figure yourself out, right? Begin to really examine yourself and see who you really are in all your relationships. So, with all that being said, and I'm leaving with you, understand that you are loved not just a little, but greatly. Not just today, but forever. Not just by some, but by the one who created you in his love. And guess what? He's not the only one. We love you unconditionally, and there is absolutely absolutely nothing you can do to change it. You are the positive, so I am a big