Retiring As The Man Of The House

Your birthday can be more than a celebration. It can be a deadline for healing. We talk about the moment we realized our pain was spilling onto our kids, and why that awareness forced a new decision: we’re not walking into the next year of our life carrying the same unresolved family trauma, the same triggers, and the same heavy protector role we’ve worn since childhood.

We get real about what it looks like to confront the people closest to you without chasing an apology. That includes writing a letter to a parent, saying the hard things out loud, and finally explaining the “why” behind behaviors that never made sense to anyone else. We also unpack the exhausting mindset of being the “man of the house,” how it trains you to overfunction, and why it can make receiving love and protection in marriage feel confusing or even unsafe.

You’ll hear a clear difference between release and retaliation, plus a powerful question to take into your own self-reflection: what are you carrying from year to year, and what deserves to stay in the chapter you’re leaving? If you’re navigating emotional healing, boundaries with family, inner child work, or faith-based spiritual healing, this conversation gives language for what you’ve felt but couldn’t name.

Subscribe for the next chapter, share this with someone who needs a reset, and leave a review with the one thing you’re choosing to stop carrying—what are you leaving behind?

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Welcome And The Molding Journey

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome, welcome, welcome. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of B Clay. Okay. Um, yes, thanks for tuning in to another episode of B Clay. Here in B Clay, we are absolutely learning how to just be mold, okay? Just learn how to allow us to stay in the pirate's hands and let him shape and mold us to the for his purpose and not for our own. And so I don't want to this wanted to be a long introduction. Uh I really wanted to get in. I almost when I did the last episode, I literally had to consciously stop myself because um I almost I didn't want to jump ahead of myself. And so I'm this I told you that that uh all that with my daughter's birthday, C16 birthday, was a pivotal point, a pivotal point in my life in my healing journey uh in 2024. So it is what I thought about this to some degree earlier. Uh like I thought about this mindset, but I was like, no, that sounds cheesy. And then I heard like B. Simone did it, and I still was like, oh, that's nice for her. But then I was like, you know what? After what my after that, what happened and all that, I was like, no, this is it.

Turning 38 As A Hard Deadline

SPEAKER_00 2:15

And what it was is now we after their birthday came, you know who's the next birthday is in my family? Mine. Okay. My birthday is October 22nd. But everyone that knows me knows that we start from October 1st and we celebrate, and I say, Happy birthday, Alisa. And Elisa said, Thank you. Right? I don't need no ones, people be like, oh my god, the birthday is not the 22nd, you know, I'm not gonna say birthday until you 22nd. You I don't care, I don't need your permission to celebrate me. I'm gonna celebrate me from day one. So, with all that being said, but this is different. This was a different year. Because again, I'm realizing that when I turn a different number, technically, you know, like when you turn one, you actually finish a whole year. So, like when you turn that, you already basically finished a whole year. So, like, so basically, I'm 37 at that time, and I was turned 38, but I basically finished my whole 38th year. So I was actually going into my 39th year, and you know what 39 means. 39 means uh after 39, we will be 40. So we had a mindset that we're not we're doing things different, and I don't want to start 40 with all this stuff, so I have to figure it out now. And I wanted to start the decades of my 40 decade totally brand new. And also what came to mind is that every year, like I told you what I after this it really had me sit down with myself and do some real heavy, you know, examination and like literally analyzing my life and say, Alisa, how did we get here up to this point? Because you're bleeding on your babies. It's it's it lit like that when I I'm telling you like that really changed my life because I didn't realize how much it was affecting my babies. Like I I just didn't understand, like I just kept, like I kept apologizing. I'm so so so sorry. I think I apologized too much, but I did not realize how much it really was affecting my babies. And so I was like, listen, my birthday is October 22nd, and I refuse. I refuse to start and turn this new number with all this, and I'm leaving it in chapter 2027. I mean chapter 27, not 2027. We even get there yet, but I'm leaving it chapter 27, okay? Uh I mean 37. God, I'm leaving it in chapter 37. I said, I will never ever see chapter 37 again. Once I hit 38, 37 is gone. I wouldn't, I can't come back, I can't find it, it won't be there. And I don't want none of this stuff to come in with me to chapter 38. That's what I said. And so I I was determined. And I was determined. So now I'm at the place where remember, I'm used to strangers being there for me. Strangers, you know, like they could meet me one time and then they like and they and they'll support, they'll do this, they do that. But not people who are, you know, it's it's very, it's very small number. It's a very small number that I realized that people are actually like, okay, they actually care, you know, you know, they actually like me. Uh so I, you know, yeah, I expect strangers to support me, but I don't expect people that are close to me. So, but now I'm realizing that uh I can't stay here because I'm bleeding onto my babies. And so I decided. Now what I said was I thought about it beforehand, but up until this point, even though I thought about really healing, I just assumed that I can't heal that I will always be this broken person because I tried and never things work and things like that. Remember, I told you all those things, but this time, like, no, things is different because now I know how to like I'm learning how to heal, right? I'm learning how to have a healthy healing, and so B Simone did something that she we already talked about. My B Simone. So B. Simone

Writing The Letter To Dad

SPEAKER_00 7:26

did something where she wrote a letter to her daddy, and I decided that now I I thought about this beforehand. Uh I thought, I think a couple times, uh, in 10th grade, we had to write something, a letter to somebody in our family saying whatever we wanted to say. And I had one person I was going to read a letter to some uh some write a letter to somebody, but the Lord was like, no, write to your dad. So ever since then, I was I knew that I was uh like it was time for another letter. I knew that. When I heard that be some more letter to her dad, it was like, mmm, go ahead at least every write another one. I was like, uh like I was back and forth with it. But this time, like, no, we're gonna do that. Um, we're gonna write a letter, but I I was either gonna write a letter or I was gonna make videos or whatever, but he's gonna figure this out. But there's some things that like I have been saying things to my dad for a very long time throughout these years, but he never like he just never heard it, right? And I'm like, I kept trying. It was the I even had a whole series title and everything. It was like, hello, uh, I'm int introducing the real Alisa because I felt like my dad didn't know the real Elisa. Um, I don't know which version of Elisa that he knew, but I don't think he knew who I really was, and so I was explaining who I really was, and I was explaining these things, and he just never heard it. He just never, you know, never got to it with our case and be. So this time, like, listen, my birthday about to come up, and I don't have that much time, but I do not want to start chapter 38 with this stuff. I'm not going to each because I realized that the things, the reason why that these things are affecting me in this year is because every year I'm carrying this into the new year. And we're not necessarily talking about the new year of January 1st, but we're talking about the new year of my life, like you know, when I changed a different number, I'm carrying all these things with me every year, and I'm not, I'm not like I it never, I never made it in my mind that at least we're about to turn a different year, leave that some leave that stuff behind. But this year was different. We're leaving this stuff behind. I'm not I'm not doing this, and so that's what I was saying. Um that's it, and everybody was getting it. My mama was getting it, my daddy got it, my sisters got it, everybody was getting it. Uh, one of my sisters got it after I turned 38, but that's the beside the point. But everybody was getting it, and it wasn't this, but this is um, this was me uh basically unpacking and um where I'm confronting you, but I'm not looking for an apology. This is the closure that I need. Now, if you want to apologize and you feel like you did something wrong, then by all means, I'm not going to say don't apologize. I'm not saying it. But this is the difference. This is a it's it's basically it's time for me to hit with no expectations. Like I wasn't looking, like I I need to do this for myself. I need to heal. And I'm realizing that there's so much that I've carried since my childhood that um that I just was being. And when like when I told you about my sisters, uh the triggers, they don't understand what's a trigger too, because they don't know my triggers. I never I never voiced them. I never said anything. So yet they keep triggering me, and they don't know why they trigger me because I never said anything. And so how can you expect them to, you know, apologize or expect them to change or figure it out if they don't know and they uh they they can't, you know, I can't expect them to understand something they don't know. So now you know, and that's basically what it was, and that's what I was telling them. Now you know, and I was letting them all have it. I was letting them all have it. I knew they even and I mean I was giving it to them. I I mean I apologize, but I had I had the short window. This we are in my birthday is October 22nd, we're in September, uh, and I have a lot, mind you, 37 years worth of stuff. At least, right? That I needed to like take this. Because I don't want I needed all this to, I needed to pack, I need to unpack everything so that I was not carried into chapter 38. I literally was serious about that thing.

Releasing The Protector Mindset

SPEAKER_00 12:38

And um I really was so now here I am finally unpacking the hard truth of that protector mindset because since I was and actually I actually was letting this go. Like this was something this this mindset I had to let go. Um that belief that I had to be the man in the house. Yeah. I had and I was actually letting that go. At least you're not the man of the house. And you don't have to be that. I literally was given permission for that little girl that made that mindset then and carried that on all these years. It's okay. You don't have to do this anymore. You don't have to be there anymore. It's okay. Like I was like, I'm not, I wasn't looking for my mom to do it. For so long, I was looking for my mom to do it, my mother to do it. For so long, I wanted my dad to realize that and then take over. Obviously, he couldn't take over being a man in the house as far as because he left and he had his own family, whatever. But I was as I I for so long, I wanted him to realize, you know what, that's okay. Let me take this from you and begin to protect me from the outsider, you know, to be that person from the outside. You're getting what I'm saying. Not the out, you know, just take it from me. You know, it's okay. I got it. I've been wanting that for so long. Um because I I just took on the role of protecting everybody. But I wasn't doing a great job. Because there's a lot of stuff that kept happening. And that's why I broke down. Every time something happened to my sisters, I broke down. I I literally like, oh my god, oh my god. Like I always trying to fix it because no, no, you're supposed to protect them. Um, that's another thing. When we get to 2026, it really that I'm not gonna get ahead of myself, but um I I had no because and I used to w oh my goodness, I this is because I even really like I really let them know, you know, when I just you know when I decided that I had to be a man of house, why I decided I had to be the man of house, uh, you know, I let my dad know this, and um, and my mother um and my sisters and explain why I was the way I was. Um even to the fact where my uncles uh really was they really um on my mama's side, they literally was uh oh my godness trying to allow me to know what a man's supposed to do and how they're supposed to treat a female, you know, open the doors and carrying the bags and like they try to be that protector and you know walk on the outside and all those things like that, and I just wasn't accepting it. Me and my uncle Kevin used to just like at least it's just and I was like nope, because as far as I was concerned, remember I'm the man of the house, so we good. You know, you ain't gotta carry my bags, I carry my bags for me. Matter of fact, like I listen, I'm gonna carry more bags than you gonna carry me. Like, I just knew that I could do their job better than them. That I'm the real protector because my protector left. Um, my protector, I don't think they even realized how to really protect me. Like you, you know. Um, and they didn't as far, you know, they didn't seek to learn how to protect me. And so since you're not seeking to have to learn how to protect me, I guess I got to do it myself. But it was exhausting because at the end of the day, I I needed someone to protect me. I'm up here protecting everybody else who is going to protect Elisa. And and to be honest, like it wasn't just in my house, but it was outside. Like my cousin used to, like I said, pick fights just because oh, I'm gonna get my cousin Elisa. But it should be the other way around. Like, what the heck? So who was I run into? Oh, I'ma get oh, somebody messed with let me get. I didn't have anybody. I looked around. I'ma cannot. That's how it used to be. Who you gonna get, Elisa? Everybody look to you to protect them. Young and old. Young and old. Male and female. They look Elisa got it. Elisa's gonna do it for me. And so I didn't know how not to be a protector. I didn't want to always be the protector, especially now that you know I'm a mom. I've been a mom for what twenty I'm sorry, it's a lot of people deciding to leave in my in my neighborhood. So my block but so I've been a mom for about 20 years now. No, 19 This is 2024. So 19 years and so, you know, and I've been a wife for six obviously, sixteen years, and so um, and and um, and and it's and it's something, you know, that's a whole different that's that's a different that's a different series. We're gonna talk all we're gonna get into that, but uh more into that part. But I was it just 2024. I'm trying to think. I don't remember if this I don't remember if this is 2024 or what is this 2025? I think it might have been 2025. No, it was last year, but I'm gonna bring this up

Marriage And Not Knowing How To Receive

SPEAKER_00 20:04

now. But so I was at NO Y, and I'm gonna say this because I was in a Y, and at the Y, one of the Y's I go to, and I met uh this young lady, and we were talking for like hours, like literally hours, like we just it was crazy. And one of the things that brought was brought up was that we we both was like uh not we just um being in a relationship and being married, right? Where you had you married, but you used to being the only one that you could count on. You had I mean the only one that you can count on, and the only one your mother counted on to some degree, and all of that. So you don't know how to literally be taken care of. You don't know how to uh you know want to, you don't know how to be like you you be protected, not you protect everybody else, but you be protected. We don't know how, and then the men will be like, all you want to do is this, and all you want to do is that. And we're like, no, we don't. No, we really don't. Like, and I'm saying that because like we literally was like crying because this is frustrating, this is exhausting. I don't, I literally don't want to. I I do want to, I do. You don't understand how much I cried every single day, year after year after year. Like, who is going to protect Elisa? Like, I literally, like, oh my god, who's gonna do it for me? Like, I I wish I had an older brother, like I need somebody who's gonna protect me. Like, I just wanted that uh so so so bad that you know. Just someone to just like at least I got it. And then and then for me to be able, because even if someone says I got it, they still let me down, and I still had to be the one to pick it back up. And so like even when you like that's what I'm saying, like even people say I got it, or I got you, or you know, I still find myself in a place when I have to pick it back up for myself and my babies or and my sisters and my mama, you know? And so but now, like I even I'm trying to think, was it No, I think it's because in reality there was a um I had to learn this thing a couple years ago, um, that like my mom and my sisters are not my children. And I had to start saying that if your name is not Isaiah, Jennifer, Gabriella, Sammy, Angela Manuel, then I cannot be there for you. Right? Because those are my six children, those who I'm responsible for.

Where The Role Began At Four

SPEAKER_00 23:31

And I said it and I did start to back away then, but now I am really releasing the eternal uh conflict of where everything began, like the the birthing place of where that began, that at four when I saw the shift in my household, when I seen that, you know, the like I saw my dad leaving then. And I knew that, like I saw that I saw the enemy coming, and I was like, oh my god, all he gotta do is just like, you know, we can be okay. Like, just do this, just do that. I seen what was like the real enemy, and it was so much things that I seen, but I couldn't articulate what I saw. And I think, but then you're supposed to be my dad, you're supposed to be protector. And like no one told me, like, and this is when I really understood, because I was beginning to understand this, no, actually, I think the year beforehand, because I was really dealing with like Alisa, who told like how did you just know what a man, what you like, what a man's supposed to do? And I realized it's something I just knew. And it was really because what I knew because I was reading the Bible, you know. I told you I grew up in a church, and so I was just looking at the real mandate of what God really, you know, and but I wasn't seeing it at home, you know. Um I didn't see the protection. I didn't see the, you know, the loving the wife as Christ loved the church. I wasn't seeing none of that. And so, but all that was very important. Like, I didn't see the like Adam knew God before he before Eve got here. But that wasn't important. I did see the I I was seeing God calling him, but he not answering, asking where he was, and he wasn't answering. And so I'm like, all right, well, since you don't know, obviously I'm the only one that can see. And you don't you're not understanding what needs to be done, so I got it. I'ma do it. And I picked up something that didn't belong to me. Because I gotta be the one to protect them, because I'm the only one who can see and understand that you gotta get it from God. You can't get it from people, you gotta get it from God, right? You gotta get He's He created us, He's a manufacturer. That's where you gotta get it from. Because if you don't, then all havoc is re like everything, like there was so much chaos in my house. Um, there was so much stuff going on in my house. Um, people planting seeds in my house, and you know, like it was just a lot. And so, you know, uh so that's why I picked it up. That's why I picked it up. And when I picked it up, and then when I said that I'm the man in the house, I I guess I didn't expect to be that long, but it then my dad actually left. And not only did he actually leave, but you know, before he actually left, physically, like finally moved out, he was never home, you know. Um, and even that was like, okay, well, of course, so uh who they gonna they gotta at least do this, at least do that. Okay, I got it, I got it. And then even after my dad left, when he finally moved out, I just, oh, I got it. I got it. Now, my own, uh my uncle did have his three boys come over a few times or whatever at in the beginning. Um, but I was like, no, I got it, I got it. I I don't know what to do. This is my I got it. I got it. And after that, like my mom allowed it, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, cause I had it. She didn't fight with me, cuz I had it. But um, after a while, it was, you know, it became exhausting, and but it didn't matter who else who was gonna do it. Who was gonna do it? My dad was gonna pick it up. So who else was gonna do it? It had to be me. It had to be me, as far as I was concerned, as far as I was concerned. But it really didn't have to be me. We did have an ABBA that we should I should have just no, this is your job. That's your daughter. Right? We are your children, you know, and you got this when I seen the things that I've seen, not for me to fix it, but it was for me to give it to him. And I didn't do that, and so now I'm walking around here exhausted for 37 years, you know. Um, and who's protecting me, who's this looking for people, and they're not there. But he is Jehovah, everything, right? Jehovah Rapha, he's my protector, he's my banner, he's my shield, he's my buckler, and I had to learn that. So, um, here I am releasing everything, and I'm not looking for an apology. I'm not, I'm really not even looking for you to understand. To be honest with you, I really don't care whether you understand or not. I don't care if you agree or not. That's not what I'm telling, that's not what I'm doing. I'm just unpacking. Here's here is the absolute truth. So, whatever you thought that you that it was me saying, here's my truth. No, not here's my truth, but here is the truth. This is the truth. This is my mindset, this is where it came from. So, whatever versions or whatever you whatever you had conjured up in your head the who I am, throw that away. That's not who I am. Because you don't know, because you ain't know this was in my head. You didn't know that I was walking around here and saying I'm the man in the house. I literally was saying, like, I'm the I'm a man in a female's body. I literally, I literally was walking around like that. Um, I remember, I never said it out loud, but I was thinking it like literally, like, who you talking to? Like, I'm the man of the house. I just, oh my god, I just remember it in every different parts where that pivotal mindset was like, I'm just a man of females bias, but I don't just think you're talking about. Um, and you know, but yeah, this is where, you know, I'm telling you, everybody got it. My mama got it, and you know, I guess it was it was I'm I'm sure it wasn't very easy hearing it the way I was giving it to her. Um, but I needed to get it out. My daddy got it. Uh he got it in pieces because he had a lot more. Because at least my mom was still there. My daddy left while he, you know, that's a different story. So he got it differently. Um, but at the same time, when I was giving it to my daddy, um, like my mama, when I gave it to my mama, it was like, listen, mom, this is where I've been, this is where I am, and uh, whatever. And for her, she could just say, Deg, my bad, like, whatever. Well, she couldn't. I'm you know, I'm not saying she didn't, but but for my daddy was different because I actually have sisters, you know, and he actually still raising them. And I really, really wanted him to like take these things that I was saying and hopefully begin to heal so that he can, you know, as he's still raising my sisters. You know, I wasn't expecting, I mean, I'm not I wasn't looking for an apology for my dad. I wasn't looking for apology for anybody to be. I literally was not, and I think I actually said it like I'm not looking for apology, I'm not looking for you to really understand or agree. I'm just letting you know this is when I really am and this is what happened, this is who I am, but I keep it moving. Because I'm not taking this at 38. I'm not taking this, I'm not taking that, you know, because no one knew y'all didn't know that. Y'all didn't know I was walking around telling myself the man in the house. You know that, but now you do. It explains a lot now, don't it? Um, pretty much. And that's it. Now that it's out, I'm leaving it in 37. We're not walking around here telling us some you're the man in the house. That's not we're not doing it. We're not doing it. You're not the man in the house, you you know. Um, so it wasn't I was speaking just to release, not to retaliate.

Release Without Expectations Or Apologies

SPEAKER_00 33:06

Uh there's a difference. There's a difference. Um there's a difference. There's a difference. There is a difference, you guys. And I'm gonna keep saying it again. There is a difference. Sometimes you need to release, you need to just speak to release. You don't, it's not to retaliate, it's not just foreclosure for your own self. I'm not asking so some because the the hard part is we we we we say things to people and we want them to um, you know, we don't or we say things or we don't say things because we don't um we don't we're we're scared of the response. And that's why I said there's a difference. Because before, and even to some degree, because even when I had to read I had to redo this with my dad, because I didn't say a lot, partially because when I told came to my dad, I asked my dad, I told my dad, listen, there's some things I don't want to say. I mean, I did some things, a lot of things I need to say, and I wanted to say in person. Like I was really ready for saying in person. Um, but that never happened. So by the time I actually uh voiced this or whatever, um it was like days, like a week or so before my birthday. Like it was very close to my birthday. So I had to kind of like I had to kind of give it all that because I was like, I'm not, I don't want to walk into 38 with this stuff. I need to let you know this things. Um, so when you get to the place, it's a difference where you say, listen, I don't need you to say I'm sorry to be free, right? I don't need you, I really don't really need you to accept it, to be honest with you. I don't even need you to be to agree with it. But uh me just releasing it is no longer inside, that's what makes me free. That's why I said there's a big difference. It's a big difference when you just release without any expectations. There's a big difference because when you have expectations, it changed how you release it and all things like that. But when you get to the point where you can just release without any expectations, and that's what I was. We're not walking in chapter 38 with all this stuff. I'm not doing it. I literally was serious about that thing, like every I was serious about that. We're not walking in chapter 38. So my question is to you. My question is to you is what are you carrying from year to year? What are you carrying into the next chapter? Right? Because I really realized that the reason why I was so like heavy and much when with that with my my girls is because every single year I was carrying these things with me. Every year I was carrying it with me. Come on, let's go. But it was affecting me in the worst possible way every year. And I knew that, but I never took upon myself to say, hey, until up until then, we're not taking a single year. So when we talk about new year resolutions all the time, resolutions, right? People, oh, in the new year, blah, blah, blah. But what about the new year that you of your life meaning the age, okay? So I'm 36 now we're in 37, right? Or I'm 37, now we're 30, all of that. What like why why do we wait to to December 31st and January 1st? We can do that every you know in our birthday within that year, right? So where we say, hey, I'm listening I ain't gonna see that in a year again. We're not taking this in there. So every year since then, actually, what we'll see, we'll be 39, they're about to be 40. Yeah. So ha ha been telling people I'm 40 anyway. So this is where we are, okay? But with all that being said, what I'm I now that has been now my uh not just then, because I gave to my husband the day that the day before my birthday. Because I was just like I had the whole timeline of when I wanted things to do happen, but that timeline did not happen. And like, you know, I was okay, but I definitely was serious about that. Was a deadline in October 22nd, 1200. This stuff better be not here, it better be gone, like you know, like literally, and after that, I've been doing the same thing, and I have been uh really making it a conscious, sorry you guys, um, a conscious decision to not take certain things into the next chapter of my life, and I hope that I'm encouraging to do the same, to look at yourself and to say, hey, what are some things I need to leave in this chapter to start this chapter brand new or newer, okay?

What To Leave Behind Next Year

SPEAKER_00 38:41

Um, so that I can grow and to be a better me, a better me that guy who about me, until I can really fulfill the purpose that he has created me to fulfill. So, um until next time, we're almost done. We're almost done 2024. This is September and uh the beginning of October, because October basically my birthday was getting ready for my birthday, and let's ooh, ooh, god, it was a lot though. I'm telling you guys, it was not easy. So I really will next uh episode really bring into um this is what I was doing, but how uh you know October went. Um that's gonna be an episode by itself, and I think I do October and November in the beginning because remember, I told you there's levels to this stuff, and then you're gonna go through multiple withdrawal periods, okay? Like literally multiple withdrawal periods, and you're going through multiple ugly phases, okay? I feel like the end of every year is like, oh god. I feel like every end of the year was like uh with I feel like every end of the year was an ugly phase and a withdrawal period at the same time. I lied to you not, which I don't even know how ended in the year 2026 is gonna be. But I feel like that's has been the core because every end of the year I'm talking about, you're talking about a major ugly phase. Like I look at the pictures like God, you look hot, uh God, you look a mess. But with all that said, we will talk about that, we will get into all of that and when I mean we're almost done. The last two months of 2024, we're almost done. Um, yeah. God, woo. Until next time, until next time, you guys. Um yes, yes, until next time. Understand, know that you are loved, not by not just a little, but greatly, not by some, but by the one, the one who created you in his love, and he is not the only one. We love you unconditionally, and there's nothing, absolutely nothing that you can do to change that. See you later. You are the positive, so I am a big clay.