What If Healing Feels Worse Before It Works

A deadline doesn’t change your life until it has teeth. We’re celebrating a two-year milestone for the podcast, and I’m using it as a mirror for something I’ve struggled with for a long time: consistency. I talk honestly about what finally got me moving after months of slow progress, including the truth about how I treat deadlines and why “last minute panic” is not a plan. 

Then we get practical with accountability. I’m in a self-paced online degree program at WGU, and self-paced only works when you build your own structure. I share how I finished two classes in one week by attaching a real incentive and consequence to a firm date. Yes, London is on the line, and yes, my Eagles playing there makes it even more personal. If you’re trying to finish school, hit a career goal, pay off debt, or build a habit, you’ll leave with concrete ideas for rewards and penalties that keep you locked in. 

The second half goes deeper into my healing journey, part two of 2023. I walk through June’s tantrum phase, July’s wake-up call that people are watching how we handle hard seasons, and the ugly withdrawal period that stretches from August through December. We talk about old coping mechanisms, spiraling thoughts, depression, anxiety, and the slow work of unlearning beliefs planted by past relationships. The big takeaway: healing has levels, and rushing recovery to look okay is how you stay stuck. 

If this resonates, listen through to the end, then subscribe, share this with a friend who needs accountability, and leave a review telling me what consequence or reward would actually get you to the finish line.

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Transcript

Two-Year Milestone And Consistency

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome, welcome to another episode of B Clay. It's your girl Alisa. Yes, it is. Here I am.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

So um I'm excited because number one, again, today is May 31st. May 31st is actually the first the first day. Well, the first episode that I actually recorded. I recorded on the 31st. I didn't get to upload it to the 5th. However, um, I recorded it two years ago, May 31st, 2024. Yes, I've been on a hiatus, but uh congratulations for the two-year anniversary milestone, okay? Because I kept talking about it and I finally did it. And I think and even when I did it, um, I did it on the 31st because I said that I have to at least have the episode done by June 1st, because everybody, um, especially those that what I was um working with at that time, um, was like, come on, let's go. And they made a uh like an ultimatum. So with that, with that being said, um, other than next to celebrate, because today is May 31st, and that means that we are actually on schedule for the fourth time, yay! Um, I told you you guys celebrate every little milestone, okay? When it's consistency, especially if you have a you know a problem, not a problem, but you know, you struggle with consistency and discipline. You have to celebrate each part every time, okay. I don't care if you every time you've been consistent, just celebrate it. So, with that being said, something about ultimatums, I don't know.

Why Ultimatums Get Me Moving

SPEAKER_01 2:28

I so I realized that um we we have we have an issue, and when it comes to dot deadlines, a lot of times I wait till the last minute to you know to cover deadline. Oh, I better hurry up and do this, or this is going to happen most times, you know, whether it's a bill or something like that. So I decided, so I asked my sister, I said, you know, give me a date. Pick a date 1 to 31, give me a date. She said, and this is what's the beginning of May. And so she said the 31st. And I said, okay, so the 31st, I better have in because it was the beginning, I told myself, um, I better have at least two classes done. Because being at WGU, I love it, I like it. Um, because and the main reason that I picked it to go to WGU um was because it's self-paced. There's two self-paced schools, and um, I picked this one, which I'm not sure why they picked the other, but however, this is the one I've chose, and oh, I remember because I was able to start in December with this one because they start each new term can start uh the first of each month. So and I wanted to start December and not wait till January. So um, but the problem is I started December 2024, and we are now at uh May of 2026, and I only have three classes finished. Well, yeah, three classes finished. So what I did because I said I better have two classes done, and then your girl did it, but your girl did it in one week. She finished two classes in one week. In that crazy, all this month I didn't finish these classes, but in one week, because I'm like, oh my goodness, we're getting to the 31st. Let me help me get this done. Okay, so uh with that being said, can first congratulate I'm congratulating me that I finished two classes in one week, which also says at least all you had to do really was lock in and you can have this degree by now, and we are correct. Now, to finish my degree, the term ends August 31st, and we need to finish by the end of this term because your girl, she's not made the money, okay? Um, at least not yet. Okay, at least not yet. And so to not pay for another six months term, we need to get this done. And it's 2026, I turned 40. Um, you know, why not celebrate my birthday um with a graduation, you know, that you finally get it done. So what we're doing is so now I'm out and I'm asking everyone, you know, if y'all have uh different incentives, right? The consequences and sensitives that um that I would get, not get, but give me suggestions of what to do, you know, like the for this one, okay. So I gave her the 31st, and I said, okay, now I need a consequence and I need a consequence and I need an incentive. And my incentive and consequence was London. So everyone knows that knows me, London is my dream vacation. Um, my dream place to go. I actually, if I could, would live there for a couple of months, um, at least for you know, a few months, but you know, we're not at that

WGU Progress And The London Bet

SPEAKER_01 5:55

place, and we can do stuff like that. But for my 40th birthday, I decided I want to go to London, and my birds is playing there. Are you serious? Ha! Um, my birds, my eagles, we're playing in London. So that just like the perfect, and they're playing in October, so it's like it's a perfect birthday gift to me, right? Happy birthday to Elisa, thank you. So I said, if I do not get two classes done by the 31st, I am not able to go to London. We might, and then I know I would have been mad watching the game on my TV at home, pissed because I could have been at the game and have been having a great old time with my birds fans. And so that's what I did, and we did it. So now we can go to London. Um, we're working on London. So, with that being said, so I realized we need to do this. So we need we need we need to do this. This is the way we need to get this classes done where you have a goal that you have to do, whether it's like if I don't get this class done by Friday, then such and such is not gonna happen. So drop down any comments of suggestions of what you know so we can get this done. Um, I have 16 classes left in my uh 16 classes left in my degree, which sounds a lot, but it's not a lot, especially since about five of those classes are classes that I already took, taken at other institutions, but I had to take it at WGU because a certain amount of classes have to be taken here. So technically, I could just like brush myself with you know, re-refresh my memory and then take the end test out. So it really shouldn't take that long to finish this out, but we just gotta lock in. So help me lock in, you guys. Help me lock in, okay? So, yes, so I'm setting up a sentence and consequences to cross this finish line by August 31st. So give me some suggestions of rewards and penalties that you know will help me stay accountable, okay? Because we're not just talking about it, but to be about it. Alright. So now let's get into uh the episode.

Healing Journey 2023 Part Two

SPEAKER_01 8:13

So today we are um basically going to part two of 2023 of the healing journey. Um this this right here, you know, when I had uh in my episode of what to expect, a lot of that that I um those different things to expect came from this year. And the last the last half, we're gonna talk a wreck today. The last half of 2023, okay. This is this is it. This is the majority of the what to expect. It came from this last half, okay. It came. So let's start from we are now at June. Now I think I went from like June to like June mid-June 15th, but we starting at June.

June Tantrum And Fighting The Plan

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Okay, now here in June, um we're going to say basically the theme of June was I I was having a tantrum. Okay, I was having a tantrum because um, you know, when I first when I first got healed or the the first part of surgery, and we talked about that, like when you know if you have cancer or you have any type of like um tumors or something like that, and it's a great mass that you know surgeons will go in and they will cut the great mass and then they will assess the situation. They're able to see things differently um and better because that great mass is not there, and then it was then you will go accordingly, right? Depending whether you do chemo or whatever case may be, you would now be able to understand what's the best way and for to get the rest out or whatever case may be. So June is where we are here. The great mass was gone, the cutting away that was in March, and I was just living off of the fact that, like, yay, it's off, it's out. Um, you know, I saw it was on high from March, April, and May. Now there were some things that wasn't happening because I think about it, and in May, you know, uh I began to see that uh because by the end of May, I was seeing that what I expected that once I got free, or at least not just say I'm free, but begin to see the aftermath, because you can tell that I was different. Everyone could tell that I was different, and I was lighter, and like my skin was glowing, things like that, lost weight, all these things was happening, and I just assumed that you know it was I don't know, I just assumed certain results there's certain responses that I just assumed, and it wasn't happening. So when we get to June, this is when I begin to have the tantrum because um now we're at the place where um we're at we really are at the place where um how should I say this? So we're at the place where we are when God is really okay, so he's the surgeon, right? So he's saying, okay, so here is the way that we're gonna go uh the rest of the healing journey, the recovery journey, and getting preparing for whatever surgeries that needs to ever happen. And I wasn't liking it because um I just didn't like it, so I was having I was having a tantrum, basically. Um, because I expect the the plan. Ah the plan that he was coming up with, I didn't like the plan. Okay, there was instructions that he was giving me that I didn't like, and I just and I was like, that's not fair. I want to do it this way because I expected things to be this way, and God was saying that's not the way it needs to go. Um, and so I was basically having a tantrum and acting out. I really was. Um I'll just I'm doing my way to to some degree. To some degree. Like I didn't like the way the I did carry out the instruction, but I carried out the instruction with the attitude. It's like when you tell your kids wash the dishes, they wash the dishes, but they but you wash the dishes with the attitude, right? You might as well not wash the dishes at all if you're gonna wash with an attitude, fix your attitude. So I was doing it what he was telling me to do, but I was doing it with the attitude because I wanted to be, I wanted this result to come out, and so I was just doing the way I wanted to do it. Um, and so um that spiritual high was beginning to wear off. Um it was I was still it was we just say it was beginning to wear off. Um, because I was trying to get some validation from other people and I wasn't getting it. I was trying to get, you know, like, yay, look at you. Now here we all gonna do it at the same time that I wasn't getting that. And God was really trying to have me focused just on me and not looking at everybody else, and so I didn't like that. Um I didn't like it. I wanted it to be everybody. I don't know. So um, and he was like, no, let's not do that. So at the end of July, at the end of June, um, God had someone basically talk to me and was like, Lisa, get your life, basically. Okay, get it together. Um, God is trying to do something you're in a way, for the most part. Let him do what he wanna do. Now, when they when that person came to me, I again, I thought he was gonna be on my side, and he wasn't, and he wasn't, right? And so I was mad. June was a tantrum. I was having a whole tantrum that whole month for the most part. And um that tantrum lasted uh because this was like the end of June when he, you know, he came in. I was mad. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at I was mad at the situation because I knew he was coming from God, and you know, he was like, get your life together, stop, stop acting out like you're doing too much, stop doing it that way, and because that's the wrong way, and I didn't like that. So here, um, yeah, yeah, I didn't like it. So we had a tantrum.

July Realization People Are Watching

SPEAKER_01 14:45

So in July, um, so the at the end of like we'll say maybe in May, there was a specific instruction, like I said, that he has that he did God gave me. And I was carrying out that instruction up until June, then I started carrying out with an attitude. Um, however, now we are in July, and I still have a little attitude, but it was wearing off. Um, because at the end of the day, I really did want God to do what he needed to do. So, but what also made me kind of like say, or at least if for Ruff Road to get together, um, I something happened. I realized the impact. I realized the impact that I had on people that was watching me that I didn't even know that they were watching me that closely. There were um a few people that had you know made some uh not I'm gonna say comments, but they asked some questions and I was like, oh my god, like it really, I really understood then, like you're really watching me. Now let's let's back up. First of all, a while ago, I don't know if I mentioned any of these news episodes, but I definitely mentioned it in the um like in my older episodes that I do not have a problem of telling you the good, the bad, the ugly. What I do have a problem is you seeing the good, the bad, the ugly. Well, the ugly things, right? And so, or the bad. Like, I just want you to see the good. Okay, I want you to see, you know, even from the beginning when it's bad, and then you see the good, and like, oh, what happened? And I can tell you. So, you know, I don't I have a problem with people seeing that middle part, and um, but I'm this is when I began to really understand why God said at least I know everybody needs to see the good, the bad, the ugly. Because that was one thing I was fighting. He told me that beforehand, and I always fight that. I don't want people to see the bad and ugly. However, now I'm realizing why. Because that this made um as I was going through this journey, and through there were some other things that was going on in my life, um, I was telling people as I was going through it. So even that instruction that I got, I actually revealed that instruction to you know to people. And at first I got a lot of opposition, but now they were seeing the difference, right? They were seeing the difference of me carrying out that instruction and the impact that it had, that it actually said, maybe I need to do the same thing too, right? And um, and then as I was still carrying out and say, like, hey, you know, this would have then I realized, okay, at least you gotta stop acting out and having a tantrum because people are watching you, they're watching you, and the way that you handle this can either bring them to me, bring it to God, or hinder them, right? And so this is why it's imperative to even, you know, um, the way we go through things, period, right? People are watching us. The Bible says that we are epistles read amongst men, and I think sometimes we forget about what that means, but it's just the same thing as like when we watch a movie or something, and there's a character there that goes through some things, you always remember what happens at the end. Um, and they're you're watching this character, right? So it's so we are like movies, right? They're watching us to see how we're gonna make it, how we're gonna do it, and that response has a great impact. No one you you know, you don't have no one gives no one permission for no one to watch them or to be a role model. When you look at all your role models or who you look up to, you they never say, Hey, you want me to be your role model? Um, you have my permission. No one, you know, they don't even some role models that we have, they don't even know our names, but they still we look still look up to them. Certain celebrities and things like that that I look up to. That's my girl, that's my whatever, they don't even know who I am, but that I feel like they they're my role models, right? A to Roger, that's my girl, right? And she don't even know my name, okay? So, but and they didn't ask permission. So no one asks permission for you know, people look up to us, and we never know what people see in us that allows them to that can, you know, that can deter them from good things or that can hinder them or that can help them, you know. So we gotta pay attention of how we go through things. So this is when I say, you know what, I okay, I'm sorry. And alright, we we we we here, we we doing this thing, and we're gonna do it your way, and we're not walking around here with them in SA triangle attitude um and having a tantrum. So this is what we're doing here, okay. So okay, so now that's July. It's July when I figured it out, when I decided, okay, we're gonna do this your way, and um, because I have to, because people are watching. That's what I said. That's what I said. Now, let's get to oh, let's get to the gist

The Ugly Phase And Plateau

SPEAKER_01 20:18

of it. Now, when I when I made a declaration that, okay, guys, let's go. Um, I'm with you. Whatever you say, let's get this moving. People are watching me, and I can't be sitting back here walking around with these tantrums. What I didn't realize is we are about to enter into the ugly phase and the withdrawal period, which um it was, oh God, this was a very long withdrawal period. I'm telling you for the rest. Now we're in July. Um, and in July. And um, you have to understand, first of all, like even with the um the good, the bad, the ugly phase, right? What I have to understand, like Jesus himself did not, like he didn't just say, guess what, y'all, I resurrected. We was able to see his see his suffering, right? Before we understood the resurrection. And so here is the suffering that people was beginning to see. Okay. Um, because I looked at a hot mess, according to me. I looked at a hot mess. It was bad. Um, from August all the way up to December, it was bad. Um, I I realized that I had I hit a plateau at this moment. Because when at the end of July, I just I just knew once I made like, okay, guys, let's go. You know, I'm with you now. Let's like, you know, and I sat there and I cried, I did everything during that declaration, not realizing how like the impact that I have on people, and you know, and uh, I mean, it was a great impact. And I was like, oh my god, I didn't realize they're looking at me and all that. So I'm just thinking we're gonna go. I just assumed there was gonna be another uh cloud nine spirit, cloud nine spiritual high from. Here and it was not. If I hit a plateau, I I hit a plateau. Um, I did not realize that I don't know, it just was bad. Um, my body began to crave the old patterns, those old defense mechanisms. Um, I went back to work in August. First of all, over the summer, I applied for a position that I did not get, and I was a little upset for that. Um, and um, but I figured I didn't get it because I was remember I told you I had I was acting out in June and I was having a tantrum. So I felt like I was like, yeah, that was my little beating, right? That's the first thing. Ah but that's what I figured it. So it was like I was upset, but then not upset to be to be honest with you. Um so I go back to work and there's a lot of things going on at work. So, you know, in um in August, at the end of August, like the mid-August, I went back, mid-August, I went back to work. And um, so the first two weeks of August wasn't too bad. It was me preparing for work, um, because it was a lot going on. So um, and with all that being said, but this is when I realized that uh because I didn't get the position, other things was going on in my house, and you know, it was just a lot. And I was on that, I I wasn't on that dead cloud now anymore. And so things began to really hit me, right? It began to really hit uh the reality of my situations, and so um now remember I had a great mask cut out, so all those old thoughts and stuff wasn't there. Well, a lot of the old thoughts and things was not there, so I'm looking for it, and I'm looking for it and they're not there, and so now I'm freaking out, okay? I'm freaking out because you know, and I feel like I'm stuck. I'm freaking out and I'm stuck because I can't move because what am I moving moving with? I don't know how to move from here, and so that is August. All of August, I'm like, oh my god, oh my god. Then I start like really like blaming myself, Alisa. You're not really, you're not, you're not really free, and um, you know, you thought you were, and and start blaming myself, this is your fault. Like, I just started literally like, see, you you you thought you was going to be free, but you know how you never can. Like, I really started thinking some old thoughts, like it's just things that was. I just it was just coming, and then I was getting mad at myself for thinking like that. It was bad. It was bad. Um, fighting, trying to find um, you know, this is where you like, you know, um, it maybe didn't take uh some old things that people used to say, there's there um there are times when I had gone through the process of trying to get healed, and there were certain voices coming from people that will say, Hey, I thought you were free, because if you were free, you wouldn't do this, and you wouldn't do that, you must not be free, and this and the other. And those thoughts and process was coming back. These are people who know people who said that, and when they said that, so those voices coming. See, they told you you were never gonna be free, and this is why they didn't get to where do you need to get to when the way you respond, the way that you expected to be responded, the way they didn't, the reason why they didn't respond in the way that you wanted to respond, because they they know for sure that you weren't gonna be free. That was the thought pattern that I had for the most of August. Um, that I kept because to me, I felt like the evidence of me not being free was was was like what was seen, but that was a lie. This is when I began to believe lies. Um, but we understand that I is a lie, right? You can't, our expectations is different. That's why the Bible tells us that lean not to own understanding because it be lying to us. Our understanding be lying to us. It does, it lies to us. And so I was spiraling, going through like a mental shake, uh, basically, um shaking and getting sick and mentally. Um, this is the withdrawal period. This is the withdrawal period because I didn't know what's going on.

Withdrawal And Learning New Coping

SPEAKER_01 26:39

So now we're in September, and I'm like, God, like, so things, you know, things still was happening, and I'm like, God, like it really didn't take. I thought it was gonna take this time. Like, I'm up here crying and snotting and things like oh my god, you know what happened? And he said, baby girl, baby girl, how old are you? Elisa, how old are you? And I was like, I'm 36. You know, I'll be 37, but I'm 36 right now. And he said, you have to understand that uh um there's love to this baby girl, basically, and you have been living with these coping mechanisms and survival strategies for over 30 years. You have to learn how to use utilize new coping mechanisms. Like you have to learn this thing, you basically are basically starting over, it's like relearning how to walk. And I was just like, oh, okay. But I was you know, I was it was bad because I was it was bad. Um, so you know, babies like this is when I learned about there's level to this stuff, it's it's level to this healing, and you've been I mean, over 30 years you've been dealing with you. This is how this is how you cope. This is when stuff happens, you do this. When stuff happens, you do that. This is how you think. This these thought patterns, this is what you think, and you let that motivate you and um thrive, and whatever you do throughout your daily routine, this is your thought pattern. So is so is a man thinking, so is he. So when you was always thinking, defeated, then you walked in that defeat. So now your body and your mind is looking for that defeat, and was really what's going on is the defeat part, all of it wasn't there because he cut most of that out or the root of it out, and but yet I don't know how to not walk and defeat. That am I making any sense? Like, I don't know, I didn't know how to walk in victory instead, and so it was a constant battle in between of like okay, but he cut that out, so now what? And then it's like, no, but this is how we so it was a constant battle that I was going through. Like, okay, that's out, so now what? What now would I do? Uh now what I like how do I think? Like what I'm supposed to think, like, are you free? Well, I thought I was free, like it was okay. So what's what what does free look like? Um, like it was just a constant, it was a constant uh battle, a mental battle, uh, but a revelation. And I'm also at this time was really uh learning the uh effects of the that thought pattern. Like what did it really mean? Like, you know, like it was basically uh those thought patterns, though old mechanisms, those things, I was really now getting the definition of what it was, um, what it was doing, and everything else. So, but it was an ugly face. I looked a hot mess to me. I just did I looked a bad, okay, um, going through this, but it was a withdrawal period. So um I basically went through this through October and November as well. But now come with the understanding that it's a there's levels to this, um, it gave me the um the I approached it differently. Now the thought now that now that these thought patterns was coming, me blaming, you know, and all these things, I'm now looking at it. Where did that come from? Why am I thinking this? I'm looking at it differently. And don't get me wrong, again, I looked a hot mask because I was with Vault Draw, period. So all the sweating and all those things is basically all of that was happening, to be honest with you. All of that was happening. Um, I tried, it wasn't working. Uh, I tried to kind of mask it, it wasn't working because it's like, okay, this is what you used to think, like, but you can't think about this no more. So now what you're thinking, and I'm like, I don't know, like, I don't know, like it's what is it really real? Like, you know, was that you or was that somebody else? Like all this was going on in October, um, and November, and what um, because again, there was people that I was expecting to be there and they weren't there, and I literally and I had to go through that part as well, this relationship that um the revelations of the relationship in Nebra, because a lot of stuff that I was thinking, a lot of that came from certain relationships, and so um it was now getting to the truth in the bottom of where things were coming from, and I didn't like it, and I didn't want to admit that that's where it was coming

Tracing Lies Back To Relationships

SPEAKER_01 31:40

from, that that really wasn't me, and that really wasn't God, it really was this, and it really was that person. Um, you know, these people in these relationships that was trying to keep me at a uh broken state, and so understanding that the truth of that, it like it it was a lot, you guys. Um, it was a lot. This is the stuff that people don't talk about, right? This is stuff you don't hear when it comes to healing, that you really when you really get to that point of like really getting to the truth in the bottom of your thought pattern or where it came from, the mindset that you came from, the root to the root, where a lot of the stuff was seeds that was planted from people, whether it's your mama, your daddy, uh husbands, boyfriends, whatever, someone that said something you used to date, you know, back in the day or something, whatever case can be, and you just took it and said, Oh, this is me, this has been me all along, and it really wasn't you. It's just that they dropped the seed and it and then they plant it in the water, and they're here we are, and then you assume that's you and it's not. So I was going through that God really breaking down um the thought patterns and where it came from, and I didn't like where it came from, you guys. I'm not gonna be honest. So I was like, So I was fighting to some degree, I was fighting it, and then I didn't want to fight as much because then this I was fighting, you know, depression, um, you know, um, yeah, I was fighting depression, like it was it was it was bad because that in the withdrawal, when you in the withdrawal period, your body like it it begins to yearn for their old thing, and you like no we can't go back there because you know, and so it was yearning for it, and then I'm trying to prove that we don't need it, but at the same time, it's like, but do I not like you know, because again, you've been living like this for 30 years or over 30 years, and certain parts was worse than the other within your over 30 year period of life, and so um it it you know it was bad, and I was like, see, this is why I can't and I wasn't performing daily activities as well um as I needed to, um, to some degree, at least I felt like it, like at work and things like that. Um, I was slow in some areas and different things like that, so that was messing me up because again, um uh this is a one thing that I did not realize that I had, but we'll talk about this in 2024. But how how I perform this codependency that I have of gotta be perfect, gotta be right, um, can't mess up. This is something that I have inherited, not inherited, but um one of those things that was a um a COVID mechanism that I had, and so when I began to mess up, I began to hit like oh my god, oh my god, like I had to begin, oh my god, anxiety, because this is what I'm used to, because I grew up learning that I'm not allowed to mess up, and so and I was messing up, and so this made me feel even worse. So, but basically, this was as I'm looking back at it, especially in November. My job began to downsize, um, began it did downsize, so like it did downsize, it was just a lot going on. Um, it downsized and it caused more issues and problems um at work and at home, and it it was it was it was bad. Um the promotion I didn't get, it did help realizing, oh God, you said I can't get the promotion because that promotion was only gonna last for a couple of months. You're right. I appreciate that because you know more better than I do. I appreciated that. I did, I appreciate that. Um so um, and it's actually at this point, I'm gonna see this is like that, because everything downsides right before Thanksgiving. Um we went to Thanksgiving, came back from Thanksgiving break, and um it it was bad. I felt I felt lonely. I did I felt by myself to be honest with you, because it's I already had a lot of opposition up to this point when it came to the tiller process, um from a a lot of people, like, oh you're doing it wrong, especially when I told them uh some people about this destruction. Um they they felt like you know you just you're just a fool, Lisa, basically. And but I said I didn't listen to God beforehand, so mom started listening to him now. Um but then I'm gonna told you that I was listening to him, but in June I had a tantrum. And um, but now um seeing people that was watching me and it had a great uh positive impact on them. Um and then hearing now I'm at this plateau thinking that it didn't work, I started gaining my weight, you know, finding my weight back. And so that made me not feel great because who wants, you know, we all those who are trying to lose weight and then regain, y'all understand what it is, what that feels like. You know, you just feel like a a failure sometimes because it's like dang, I was looking okay and now I'm looking now look at you, like it was bad. But I made a determination, um, and here we are. And this all this all this was again September, October,

Not Rushing Grief And Recovery

SPEAKER_01 37:28

November, and December. This is all December, but December, um, I decided to like, okay, Elisa, you know, um, because it was a because even though I was going through this and it didn't feel great, it felt bad. But what I kept saying to myself is Alisa, you're not gonna rush it. You're not gonna rush it. You're gonna go through this because I'm so used to rushing it because I don't like this. I don't like people seeing me looking like this. I don't like people seeing me um looking, I don't because people they say stuff and they don't even know what you're going through. Um, and then I'm like, if they just ask me, I'll tell them, but you know, but this time I was like, no, you're gonna, and and I got the the whispers, the stares, the this and that and the other. And you know, and I just said at Lisa, we're gonna go through this. So um we're going, we're not rushing this part, we're not rushing this part. It hurts, it sucks, it doesn't feel great. You feel by yourself, all these things, but you're gonna go through it. And that's what I kept saying. And now it was it was all the way up to December, to be honest with you, because I even started I started January. Um, yeah, and a lot has happened too. Like with my mom, she almost died. Like, it's a lot happened in 2023. I actually lost somebody in 2030 that was real close to me. Like, it a lot happened um even within this, so and I was finally feeling all the uh like the grief from that. It was just a lot of things, all this grief and everything really kicked in between these last months, um these last six months, we'll just say last five months after my little tantrum. Like all this was happening in um all at one time, but I but I was determined. Okay, I was determined that um we're not gonna rush this. We're not rushing this, we're not rushing this process, we're not rushing the recovery process. We're gonna take the time, we're gonna feel every feeling, and it was and it was and and everybody looking at me, so what? Now I used to start, that's I did I think I used to say so what? It is what it is, because they don't know. They don't know. I ain't listen to you guys any other time, and I always rush it any other time, and this time I want to make sure. So even though it felt like I didn't take, well, God told me this that there is God told me that there's levels to this stuff. So all right, I'ma trust what you say. You don't feel like it, but I'm gonna trust that part. And we're gonna we're gonna come on, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this. So, but again, like a lot of people don't talk about that part, the withdrawal period, the time you feel by yourself when you feel like, oh my god, right? So

Looking Ahead To 2024

SPEAKER_01 40:24

um until next time, again, we're gonna start the um we're gonna start what so when we come back, we're gonna be 2024 because now we at the part where things start to turn up a little bit, but again, I'm not feeling great leaving 2023. I just I just kept telling myself, although you don't like it, let's keep it moving. Um and uh yeah, we're gonna start 2024. We'll be in June. The next episode, what what is what is Sunday? June was it seventh or something like that? Something like that. Um what yes, June 7th. And we'll be officially two years. So um, but yeah, so we'll be officially two years when I come back here, and I will start on 2024 part one, the first six months of 2024. We're moving, you guys, removing, but until next time, always stand and know that you are loved, you're not loved just by some, but by the one, the one who created you in his love, and he don't just love you a little bit, but he loves you greatly, and his love is unconditional, and he doesn't not the only one that loves you unconditional, so do I. Bye. So I love peak.