The Swelling Phase Is Not Failure

Something nobody tells you about healing: the breakthrough isn’t the finish line, it’s the start of recovery. I’m Alisa, and I walk you through the first six months of my 2023 healing journey using a metaphor I can’t shake, surgery. There’s the prep, the detox, the deep cut, and then the “swelling” phase where you’re tempted to wonder if any of it worked. If you’ve ever felt that confusing mix of freedom and fear right after change, this one is for you. 

We get real about trauma bonds and toxic relationships, especially the kind that survive only when you stay triggered. I share how old family patterns and a fear of making mistakes fueled anxiety and people-pleasing, and how fasting and consecration helped me hear truth more clearly. Then I talk about a life-changing revival that felt like God cut out what was threatening my future, not all at once, but in stages because healing has levels. 

You’ll also hear why I refuse to force faith on my kids, how they chose God for themselves, and why that mattered even more once the recovery stage started. The episode ends with a question that can change how you handle boundaries, relationships, and spiritual growth: Do you want God, or do you want those relationships? If this hits home, subscribe, share it with someone who’s rebuilding, and leave a review so more people can find the Be Clay journey.

You are Loved!

Not just a little, but greatly

Not just today, but forever

Not just by some,

But by the ONE who created you in His Love

And HE's Not The ONLY One

We Love You Unconditionally
                      &
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Welcome,

Welcome And The Be Clay Journey

SPEAKER_00 0:26

welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome in. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Be Clay. It's your girl Alisa. Yes, we are here, and I am truly, truly, truly thankful that you are here with me on this day. That you can be listened to anyone else, but you're here listening to me, and I appreciate it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Here on the Be Clay podcast, we are on the journey, a daily journey. This is not a uh well, I'm gonna say like a race, but it's like a marathon. But basically, we want a daily journey to learn how to be clay, and what does that mean? To be what? To be molded, yes, shaped and molded. Our job as clay is not to sit up here and try to tell the potter what it we should be, where our job as clay is to just be what we're supposed to be, whatever he decides that we need to be, and so whatever has to happen, uh, the process that needs to be the excru, it may be excruciating, but whatever the prophet's promess that needs to happen, there is a purpose for it, okay. And so, yes, that's what we're doing. So, today, today, first of all, before I get into this episode, I want to say, yay me, okay. Listen, we have to learn how to celebrate every single victory, okay? Don't matter how small it is, just celebrate it. If you just celebrate, say yay, that's a celebration. Because I don't care if you made a goal and to be consistent on something and you did it two times out of the week, celebrate that, okay? Because then if you like me who has struggles with consistency, struggles with discipline in yourself, struggles with procrastination, okay. Celebrate every every single victory. So today it is May 24th, and this is the third episode that we are actually recording on time. So we're celebrating yay yay, yay me. Okay, all right, so here we are.

Celebrate Small Wins With Consistency

SPEAKER_00 2:52

Um, we're here, right? So today, um, you know, you guys, we are um on the my healing journey, right? Uh, that started uh and well, you know, I really hit the the ground running, I guess, in 2023. But um the motivation was the end of 2022 when I finally was like, okay, let's say so. If you guys are just joining in, please uh go to the other episode so you can understand the how like I made it up my mind where you're doing this, no matter what. Okay. Um, there is a part um that I did not uh also that was also um in um in addition to my children being the why of I decided to why we needed to go ahead and get this healing started and on the road and not stop until it's done. Um not say done, but you know I mean like we whatever it takes, basically. Um there was another part, okay? Um a part, and I'm not ready to talk to that because that's a totally different we're gonna get to that. Um, which you know, uh I'm gonna, you know, yeah, we're gonna talk about it because not talk about the exact thing, but I'm gonna talk about the remember I talked about the what to expect, right? And um being able to uh accept truth, right? And one of the things of the truth that I had to understand was um some of my relationships, okay, that I had was like trauma bonds, right? Where we were in a relationship just because of traumas that I didn't even realize it right away to some degree. Um, but I did whatever I can do to stay in a relationship, but in order to stay in those relationships, I had to stay in that trauma, or like you know what I'm saying, like I had to stay triggered by the traumas. I could not actually break through, break through these traumas, and so that is a key component because in this year of 2023, um, is where God was really trying to show that to me. Um, so we are going to break uh 2023 to 2024, 2025, and 2026, because we are actually um by the time I get to 2026, we are basically going to be halfway through with it, right? Because June is next week. Um, I'm gonna do it uh the first six months and then the next six months. So one episode is gonna be the first six months, and the next episode is gonna be the last six months because we it's just too much to try to rush it all in one, okay? It's very dense, okay. So now um, and that matters because that that part I just said matters, so keep that in your head, okay. Bookmark that. Bookmark that thought. All

January Fast And Detoxing Old Patterns

SPEAKER_00 6:01

right, so here we are in January, January 2023, January 1st. We just come home from church and um from watch night service, and you know, I'm just like thankful to God of what He has, you know, what has transpired, even um, um, even thinking about me enough to have someone speak into my life and let me know that I was gonna be okay that he got me, right? And so, all right, so we're we're reminiscing on the aftermath and we're getting ready for our fast. Every month, I mean, every January is my month of consecration, every year is different. So this year, um, we were doing uh the first three, it's a 21-day fast. The first three days of this 21-day fast, we were going to fast, uh, do um a dry fast for three days. Um, and but you do it, it's up to three days. So depending on the level of you know, what you can handle, do is whether you can handle one day, two days, or three days, that's what you're gonna do. And then later, we actually um the latter of the three, the last three days of the 21-day fast, whatever day did how many days you did, um the first three, that's what you was gonna do with the last three, okay. Um, and so in between those those dry day fasts was one meal a day. Okay, now I'm like, listen, God, I need you so bad, okay? I need you to do something so I need you so bad. I'm desperate for you, God. So I baby, I did six days, okay? Because someone told me, or I heard that after three days your body started to eat eat itself, and I say, well, and I don't know if this was correct or not, but I say, since my body is gonna eat, start eating itself, I needed to eat away some things that I need to let be, you know, let go. I need to eat some toxic acidities um in my body, some toxins and um that's probably not the word toxicity, but there's some toxins and different things that you know in my body. So let this happen. I don't know if this is gonna happen. I don't know, but I just I needed to happen. So I did six days. I did, I did, I think I should do seven days, to be honest with you. Um, because I know I did six whole days. I don't think I that day, I don't think I ate a meal. I think I ate the meal at the the beginning of the night. I don't know, but I I did I did not I did more than three days. So because I needed God to do something, and um so I was definitely desperate, okay? Definitely desperate. So God during that fast, God began to show like he just really began to deal with some of the thought pattern that I had. Um, like something that happened, what happened in December, one of the things that was a thought pattern that I had was something that I incorporated as like I'm so I'm I don't I'm not allowed to make a mistake, right? And um, which I have heard because some, you know, the way I was raised in the house that I was raised, that um we weren't allowed to make a mistake. When we make mistakes, it's like we were treat, we were, we were, we were made to feel like we were worse than dirt, okay? Um, because you made a mistake. And it could have been something as simple, it could be something simple sometimes. And sometimes whatever happened was necessarily our fault. Like one of the things that um happened, like somebody stole something of mine, and then like because that happened, we were punished, like you know what I mean? So we were never allowed to make a mistake, right? And so every time I make a mistake, and um it's I always get into this like panic mode, right? Like, oh my god, oh my god, like Jesus, thank God for healing. Oh god, I used to get into this, I mean, this but no one knew that. No one knew and understood what these what why I acted the way I I acted. They just saw the aftermath, but they understand what it came where it came from, should I say. Um, but I would get into this, I'll be I'll panic, I'll I'll just have a panic attacks, I will get in this great anxiety, fear, I will be paralyzed, depending on the situation is, but it'll be real, real, real bad. Okay it'll be real real bad. So um now so in a so I talked about in addition to my kids, right? Wanting to get healed. The other motive that why I needed to get healed um was something that I grew up with where I there was a different altered motive, okay. Now,

Carrying Relationships On Your Back

SPEAKER_00 11:17

which we're gonna dive in deeper later on. But so for those that know me, I'm been I am mature from like my age, right? And I have been basically all my life, naturally as well as spiritually, and so I talked about how I um walked around saying that I was the man of the house. I believe I said that in my last episode, and um because I was able to see things and um spiritually wise, and I was like, you know what, they can't see, I gotta do it. And so I grew up in that, right? I grew up where I felt like I had to be the one to do, I'm gonna say do everything, but you don't see it, you don't understand what's going on here spiritually wise. I can, I know what to do with it, I'm gonna do it. I know enough for the both of us, or the three of us, in in every relationship that I was in for the most part, um, for the most part. If there was ones who were stronger than I am, or just as just as strong as I am, spiritually wise, then we were able to like equally or whatever, you know, pour in and whatever needs to be done in our relationship. But there were if we're talking about out of all the relationships that I have, the majority of the relationship, I was the strongest one spiritually. And um, and so wherever somewhere is not now, I'm not what I'm saying is, you know, there's something when you you're in a relationship, and this is all relationships, right? You you um there's our pivotal points in relationships where after things happen where you decide and make sure to make uh choices whether this relationship is um does it work? Is it is it worth it to continue on or not, right? Depending on, you know, whatever. But we all do that without really realizing that's what we're doing as we go through things in every relationship. Um we and that's where we decide that we might stay in relationships, but we may change the way that our position in the relationships, right? Um, I love you, but I love you from a distance. Do you understand? Like we still friends, but you know, we won't hang out every single day like we used to. Whatever case may be, we make these decisions based on what has happened, and it can be and it may be period or it may be, you know, seasonal or at this time, maybe because you're going through something, or the other person is going through something, or the other people are going through something, or whatever the case may be, we make these decisions. So for me, what I do would do is I will just take the responsibility for the other parties in the relationship to really um do what's needed to be done to make this relationship work or effective. I'll just say, I'll do it. So if in the relationship, it may be they they have the they really do somewhat have the capacity to be like a 60-40 relationship, or you know, they have the capacity to if I'm doing 60 and they're doing 40, but they like uh, I mean they have the capacity to do 40, but they're only putting in 20. It's it'll I said, okay, I'll put in the other 20. It's okay, because I know what to do with it. I'm strong enough for the both of us. I'm strong enough. And so this was um one of the other motives because in multiple, you know, when there's one one main toxic relationship I've had, but it was alter, but it was really altered relationships where I felt like okay, once I get healed, then I'll be strong enough to to sustain my part as well of your parts too as well. Okay, um, so it was just like, okay, look, I healed, I got here, we all gonna be good because I'm good enough for for me to continue what I was already doing. But that God was like, no ma'am, that's not that was that's I'm not doing it. Okay, so that's and again, hold that part because this is the point, the pivotal part of Lisa these first six months of the 2020 23. So in January, he's beginning to all right, Lisa, let's let's get this, let's get the ball rolling. He began to tell me, okay, this is because he started off with the situation that happened in December. What happened, what really happened, what you did, what was your part, why you felt this way, where you where did this come from. He did all of that in January. Um, and what I began to do is, you know, go back and say I'm apologize and things like that to the people that you know that I have that I was like, oh my god, go ahead going crazy with. Um, and you know, because he began to, I mean, he's beginning to really show me, especially within that 21 days of um, you know, because I began to detox those old thoughts and those old habits. But this was basically really the preparation for my surgery. Okay, so you know if anybody who's going to surgery sp that's sick, especially um, especially uh like it's like when you sick, like you got cancer, and I may also use weight loss surgery, right? These two surgeries as my analogy and analogies, okay? Um, so okay. So understanding um the in January and February, in January and February, this is what's happening. I basically was doing this like a it was a trap and I didn't realize it was a trap, but it was right. Um it's like look at me trap. I'm healing, you know, enough to sustain the toxic relationships. That's not great, okay. Um, because I wanted to see what that was doing and healing. Okay, so it's a trap. In one way, I was saying, look at me getting healed so I can sustain the toxic relationships that I'm already in, as well as hopefully that you will see me get healed and you will want to do the same thing so that we can actually have a better, healthy relationship. Okay, it was two different things, right? So um, but yeah, I don't know. But the reality is it can't, it's you shouldn't be wanting to get healed to change somebody else or like that. Am I making sense? Like you should not, that's that's not right. That's why I got like, no dog, okay. Whatever you're trying to no baby, we're not doing it. That's not how that's not that's not how I do things, okay? That's not how we do things over here. That's not what I do. Um, it should not be a performance or whatever to change somebody else. It's really to talk about the changing yourself. And um it's also um but you shouldn't want to stay in a toxic relationship, right? You you shouldn't want to, I mean, because staying in a toxic relationship or an environment is we already know it's exhausting. Um, but that's okay. Because God, we I didn't know no better. I thought I did, but I didn't know. I didn't understand I didn't really understand what I was doing, I was just doing these things. Um, but basically, and what I did understand and know that again, like I said, that I was in preparation for my surgery. Okay, as he was detoxing me so that I can be able to actually hear him and understand these instructions. So now we're in preparation for a surgery. So

Revival As Surgery And Deep Cuts

SPEAKER_00 19:15

in March, we had um a one-week revival in March. Um, and in this revival, um, it was one week, and I showed up every single day. Now, not only did I show up every day, but I also have my children. So this was the surgery. Okay, that revival was the surgery for me. Um, and not just for me, but for my children. Um, and he cut. Okay, he cut deeply. So, you know how when you are in surgery, and just say you have cancer or a tumor or anything, um, where the surgeons go in and they cut as much as they possibly can without killing you, right? Um, sometimes they, you know, they you know, it may it may spread so much that they only can do certain areas, and they may only can do certain areas at certain time and certain time frames, right? Um, depending on how much of spread, because if they try to get every single thing out their time, you can die, right? Or something it will be maybe not die, but there may be greater problems, right? Um, because you may hit it's too close to arteries or other uh areas, and it's gonna not be great for you. And so basically, this is exactly what was happening in this week of March. God cut away as much of it. Not that he not that he's not able to cut everything up, but he know that wouldn't be smart. It wouldn't have been smart for him to cut away everything because remember, I told you there are levels to these things. He understood and knew what I can actually, you know, handle, right? Okay, um, and so he cut, but he did cut a lot and he cut deep. Okay, he went he cut a lot, he cut deep, he cut a lot of areas, especially this heart of mine. Oh god, he did it. Um, there were things that were in me that I inherited, not just from like my mom and my daddy, but from we're talking about aunties and uncles on both sides and from generations from generations and generations past, okay, that I inherited that I was walking into. So he was going down deep, okay. He was going down deep um into these areas and cutting away. Um, these are things that so there was a lot of things that was for my own choices, right? So he cut away those things too, but it was a lot of things that I was that was inherited, like that even motivated or was the um you know uh you know, managed. help me manifest these choices decisions that I made so um so he was taking out these life threatened mindsets these life threatened things that um because he he didn't want to destroy me but it was life threatening for my life right now and we'll get back to the other parts all right we'll get back to the other thing so again remember healing happens in stages there's level to these things all right so on the first day right I only took two of my kids um I took my two younger ones and they also bring their friend and not only did they um so they now I knew that I I already had in my mind that this week we we let's go God we we we in this thing we we we doing this this is perfect because I need it all I need it all but not only did I need it which I did not expect that my children was like oh we we with you not but not we with you but I need him for myself as well and we all getting it I did not expect that from I did not expect that um for them to do it at that time so with even I realized that even at pre-op surgery my children was actually watching me in that time frame so they was like okay you know what they he gonna do for you he gonna do it for me too so I took my two kids and you know um and the they came with their friend and they all was up at their altar and God did it every for everybody so he was cutting away for them as well and that he also to be honest with you gave me even more of a like God you definitely gotta do it. I can't have you cutting things for my my my kids and my babies and I won't go get it done that's that doesn't make any sense right so um he began cutting for those two which the next day um I brung another one of my children and um they also uh was like all right let you let's go God and God did it for them too and so by the end of the week five out of my six children literally was on that surgery table themselves and getting what God needs to get them done and they are still in it today. So he

Parenting Faith Without Forcing It

SPEAKER_00 24:35

when I said that he freed me he not just freed me but he freed me and my children so let me tell you one thing first of all let me let me explain this um I baby we don't play games over here we do not sugarcoat anything over here we don't play games over here um I told my children uh since they were younger listen when you in school and stuff or you playing around in this neighborhood with your friends and stuff like that and y'all be having these conversations about religion or you know whether whoever go to church or don't go to church or quote unquote religion because this is not this is not religion but that's another podcast for those who don't understand um this is not religious relationship however um don't tell nobody that you are that you're saved or you're a Christian don't tell them that don't tell them that say that you go to church and you're only going to church because when because my mama's making me and that's when they were younger because you can't stay home by yourself okay you're like two years old three four or five you can't stay home by yourself right um now and I never and I didn't make them now I didn't make them after a while they you know they're older enough where they can stay home as well their daddy wasn't going so they just stay home with the daddy um so you know but don't do not do not tell them because then you'd be lying you could say your mama's a Christian or you know your mama's saved she's a believer because she made a decision on her own I'm not forcing Jesus on nobody okay I'm not forcing him on anybody I'm not forcing him on my kids first of all um he's not forcing a relationship with me I would not force a relationship with them that is something that you have to make on your own you have to make that decision on your own because a lot of times and I have seen it you know we get say people got saved for fire insurance oh I don't want to go to hell and then when stuff happens they like oh I left that that's why I don't want to be saved anymore because you because no we're not doing that you're gonna make an informed decision you're gonna understand there's a cost to this thing because the even Jesus himself says that okay count the cost before you come to me so that's what we're gonna do. Now you're gonna have the foundation because you know you're not only getting inside the church but you're getting it at home and I have to trust the foundation but you got to make that decision for your own baby we don't play games over here I'm no no no I'm not that I'm not that one because at the end of the day as much as I want to be I can't this life you gotta have you have to want it because once you say yes baby there's some things you got to do and sustain and I can't be the one like you can't want to only do it because I do it you you're never gonna you're never gonna make it that way you're not gonna you could make it but but so far should I say you only can make it but so far because everything that I do going will take you but so far you're gonna have to want it for yourself. You're gonna have to win it for yourself because it's gonna be matter of fact like when you in school I'm not in school with you. Now I can pray a prayer protection and things like that while you're in and God he does it but to get some of these things that you want them to get baby that's prayers that you're gonna have to go to God for yourself. You got to learn know for yourself. So we don't play play it over here. So but five out of my six children decided yeah I want him for myself right I want him for myself and they are still there today thanks the Lord they are still there okay they don't they don't they're not playing games when it comes to him right um they didn't just do it and say okay and then for one day no they and if they you know kind of like you know I'm not reading my Bible as much they be the ones to tell I gotta tell them when to read their Bible I don't have to tell them none of that stuff they do that on their own they they could come and tell me you know what my I've been inconsistent whatever they do that some up sometimes in some areas especially these last two years I've look at them like I'm glad because they was in it more they was in their word more than I was I'm I'm gonna be honest with you I'm gonna be transparent we don't lie over here we're gonna tell the truth on this place right so um that that that January February now we're in March and March was life changing for me and my children life changing do you understand what I'm saying to you life changing and so now now that's now we're in April now that we in April um we're walking around light floating feeling

Post Surgery Freedom And Recovery Fears

SPEAKER_00 29:27

like I'm so free when I'm talking about when I say I mean my brain my mind was like clear like it was amazing it was amazing I think I got on so many people's nerves because I was just uh I just I was like oh my god I just was crying every day of how free I was because when I said that he cut away so much and then to see my babies my babies on the floor because they wanted to be on the floor like you what I'm uh Jesus like it was amazing and I just had this like you know what ain't nothing I I don't want to mess this thing up I just knew that I had to be careful of what I do what I would and um how I respond to this um newness of this this this free because as you know when you get free you have to start to you have to fight to stay free and that was one of the things that was one of the um what's we're looking for that was one of the issues or problems that I had when it came to other times when like the quick fix healings and the quick fix things whatever where I will get free from some things and you know whatever case and be and I will go right back and it'd be worse because this part right here is the recovery after the surgery it's this part that I usually mess up all the time and this time I was like I gotta be careful because it's not just me but it's my babies. My babies was on that floor as well and so we are in this now we are in these things together and so we all gotta make we you know I'm saying we gotta be hand in hand we got the surgery how we respond is recovery is is critical for for now for you know for the future right um how we handle our recovery is critical for the future okay and so we you know um now let me get started off April 1st I had got some I had something happened um I had got some I was saying some news it shook me it shook me I it ooh I said what really unexpected okay which I don't understand why to be honest now I'm looking back like why how was that unexpected but whatever whatever it was unexpected at that time okay um at that time and it it definitely was something that could have took me to my old ways like because again remember I told you that um when I got healed or when I was in my healing process especially in January February it was like I was expecting like all right well maybe they don't people don't think that I'm really you know whatever so now there's a greater evidence of healing for after March you know whatever we did in March so I'm thinking like all right so they like all right all right all right okay so now I can then we can be good so when I this was letting me know that the trajectory of this real of these relationships wasn't going the way I expected um it was actually the opposite um and and this so I was like oh my god what's going on it's kind of as if like and then this is where I want to use the weight loss surgery this is where we're gonna use that analogy so like when we in the weight loss surgery um for those who have done it I haven't done it but I seen people have done it and um there is a that right afterwards there's a time frame where you you know like like because like from the outside looking in if you don't know right you expect that when somebody goes with a lot of surgery did it if they come out looking like you know this a whole different size but they don't understand there's some swelling that has to go down there's some other things whatever so it takes a couple of minutes right some weeks I'm not sure the whole time frame but I learned there was some weeks so um when I was in high school uh the one of the teachers um this is when I learned about it because one of my teachers um had got weight loss surgery and you know they came back after some time after the surgery and they were still big and they was like what happened and that's when he you know we learned about like you know it it doesn't have to happen right away there's swelling and all these different things have to go down and so then you'll see the results after a while and which we did right which we did so but the intense when you're in that stage of intense swelling um that's just I don't remember how long it takes but let's just say six to eight weeks and I'm just gonna use that because I think it takes that long but that's just six to eight weeks that first six to eight weeks you're like what that okay the first week like alright fine I get it but then after that second third week maybe the third you're like what in the world like didn't really did it work like oh my god so I was basically at this point where did it work like oh my god but then at the get at the same time like no I know it worked it was a battle so like my old habits would be like it maybe didn't work and maybe I should try this and maybe I should try that but at the same time like no but look how I couldn't um I could not uh negate the feeling like I mean when I'm saying the feeling I'm talking about I when I said I was walking lighter like I lost I did lose it I can feel it not there I can feel um like him still doing it like the residue of whatever him still doing it the burning sensation um in my belly like I can I can feel it my mind was clear like I can see clearly now right I can see clearly now okay um there were so many things that I mean it just it was just mind bottling and that's just it's like in in like when you in surgery and they cut away um they you know they cut away as much as they can and then they choose what's the um this is when you back to like cancer or a tumor or whatever um that they cut away as much as they can but now that it's gone then the treatments that you may do um they can see clearly now because it's not such a big mass there and so now whether you go through uh you know uh treatment where if you go to uh I'm sorry what is that y'all know what I'm talking about um whether you know where no matter what you okay I can't get the word out but y'all understand the treatment the different uh radiation treatments right chemo thank you when you go through chemo or whatever treatment that you need to go through for it to get the rest of the things out right you're able to see just a little bit what's the best method moving forward and this is where I was and so even though this happened I was just sitting I was a little confused though I was just like what what am I supposed to do here I thought this was means that this is gonna whatever but I did not know what I did not know it's like Lisa get your life like I know better than you do like I'm trying to tell you this ain't this ain't it you this ain't it why would you want to stay in this is a toxic environment and I'm trying to get you all out of here because you are connected through basic bi trauma bond and the trauma is gone so what are you doing? The only way to stay here is to stay trauma like you stay with this trauma do you want it no I do not that's the reason why I was on the floor so you take it away ha ha all right well I'm trying to get you to see that okay so um I I usually quit this is a time I'm telling you when Need Dorney's recovery day recovery I usually quit like oh my god it didn't work and blah blah blah but this time I was like no I can't quit I can't quit this feels so great like ah and I kept saying I kept saying listen not only I listen I kept walking around like I'm free at work every oh jeez I'll tell you I think I got people nervous because I was like you don't know you just don't know what he I mean I was just crying every day because of all that he has and then seeing my babies I think that just it wasn't just me but it was my babies and I said I don't want nothing to change that I mean mess that up nothing to mess that up that's what I kept saying in May and then May that was April and then the rest of the April like I did go on a fast or whatever um and I fasted the first two weeks of May because this thing was just like what do I do from here and you know and God was really like Lisa this is what this is really what's happening and um I didn't know how to I didn't know how handle it because I was like I think I expected to go the other way and I and I was beginning to resist but again again that that recovery um that recovery stage is is is very important it's very important because it can change the trajectory of your future right and so I usually quit you know but he was really trying to reveal that um like I want him to fix it the toxic relationships and fix it to sustain it the way I was trying to do the old way but to to some degree something newer but he was like no because you was only bounded by sickness and trauma and I can't I can't do that baby girl I can't do that um so um this this this common ground this foundation of it is gone and it's and then and well but the majority of it's gone but I'm I'm going it's going to be going we working on to be going all the way and that's what's and that's what I was feeling I was feeling the displacement who I was feeling it and it wasn't feeling great okay it wasn't feeling great and that's why I told you when you heal be prepared to um yeah there's some displacements or when you really get to the truth of of of your relationships and different things and whatever you begin to like oh my God and and can you can you can you um fathom that once that's gone like you know can you because it's like there's certain things that you only like you only bound with trauma and once that trauma is gone it's like who am I about this trauma? So that's another thing I was learning because I saw myself with this trauma for so long it became a part of me now it's gone I'm like oh my god like oh my god like who was this person like I didn't know what was going on here I was going crazy like it was it was ridiculous but at the same time I was loving how to be free so it was a lot going on that first couple of that the recovery period the first couple of months um it was a lot going on and that was the reason for the fasting for me because I was like oh my god oh my god my god but I was quiet but I knew this time I didn't want to be like last time just go backwards I said we're gonna sit we're gonna figure this out I don't know what's going on like there were so many thoughts so much stuff we're gonna sit and figure this out because I'm not trying to mess this up because not only am I not only you did it for me but you did it for my babies okay for your babies so we're not trying to mess this up so now we're in June.

June Choice God Or Relationships

SPEAKER_00 41:27

Now we're going to talk about the first part of June because June's six months and we're gonna end up the last part in the next episode. So now we we in long stretch in June um because God was uh doing things and he was showing me things and trying to show me the true nature of my relationships and things like that and I wasn't liking it necessarily uh um we're gonna say that it was like um in the middle of June maybe almost close to the end because I was back and forth like all right I don't I I I started to make some decisions where it's like I you know what forget it um since it's not happening the way I wanted it happen I'm just you know we're gonna do this way right like forget you because I I want I like being free and I like the way I was looking for being free like I was glowing and I just liked it I did like I see I liked the aftermath but I don't know things wasn't happening the way I don't know the trajectory of the way I wanted the other people and and other you know to react and it wasn't reacting I started like well I'm gonna do it this other way right and God was like now you're doing too much you're doing too much um that's not what I'm trying to tell you because again I still want to remember I said I had that look at me look at me look at me so that we all can get better and we all can have better relationships instead of God is saying that's not how it's supposed to be and so now I'm like keep and I was doing more things to say look at me like I'm free like we should be like what is the problem why are you treating me like this because now now because I was getting free and I was glowing and everything was they people was just treating me worse it was bad it was bad you guys um and I was confused at the situations here I was understanding and um why are you treating me like this I'm not understanding so I didn't like it um I didn't like the way um at first and I didn't how I chose my freedom but my kids were free and I refused and I just didn't want to mess it up and so I eventually God had to ask me this question do you want me right or do you want these relationships because I at this point like I was literally doing whatever I can to kind of keep the relationships but like I wanted to be have my free self in these relationships but my Free style, it didn't fit, okay? The really the trajectory relation has changed because I'm free, right? Like it wasn't working, and I'm like, well, I'm still trying to make it work. And it eventually said, Do you want me? Or do you want these relationships? And I was just like, uh you like, okay. I don't want, I don't listen. Do you see me? I'm looking at my babies, and they're just and they and they're pushing, okay? And they and they were, I don't have to tell them. We just all walking crying, like look at girl, look what you did. Like we were just, and and we were just walking around this house just like, look at like we were just we were just on cloud nine for like months. I'm telling you, we was just, we were just here. I ain't trying to mess this up. Are you serious? Baby, please. There's so many parents that would love to have their children in church like that. Mine says, to want God the way mine does. Are you serious? Baby, please, I ain't trying to mess this up. Baby, please. No, nope. I want you. So my question, right, is are you avoiding your surgery because you're afraid of the deep cuts? Like, are you? Because uh sometimes you're gonna get into surgery, you're gonna you're gonna be, and then we I'm talking about he's gonna cut some stuff, then you'll be like, when I told you to cut, I didn't mean to cut that because that was the that was that was the political core for these toxic relationships. You are you ready for that? Are you ready for that? Okay, are you quitting during the your recovery process because you don't, you know, you're not understanding that it the swelling, you're gonna be swelled for a little bit and it gotta go down after a while? Are you you know that recovery process is is uh is very critical how you respond to the recovery product because you could come in, and it's just like even like let's just say weight loss surgery, right? You come back and you swell it for six weeks. Maybe they said six to eight weeks and this tenth to tenth week, and you're like, dang, this ain't going down yet. So you start going back to your old habits, but did you really want that the point is did you really want to lose weight, right? So that's what I'm saying. That recovery project process means something. Um, it's just like if you do come home, because I used to like you know, get free and then not get rid of stuff that's gonna take me back to the old stuff, the old place. Um, and it's just like I said, it's just like you say you want to lose weight, but you're gonna get rid of those things that help you stay the size that you was that you're not trying to stay. So in that recovery process, you come home, you have to you have to begin to make these changes. And when the changes was happening, I didn't like it. I was God was just removing the changes, like, okay, to try to show me the real truth of these relationships, and I wasn't liking it. And um, and I knew that's somewhat the reason why I usually quit too, because I didn't like the changes that was made, and I wanted to keep the relationships more than I wanted him. This time we ain't doing that. This time, we're like, no, I want I want you more than I want these relationships. That baby, we don't play, we don't play games over here. Because the reality, they should want you more than they want me as well. They should want you more than they want a relationship with me, and that way that relationship will work, and that was the problem. The problem is we they did not want you more than they wanted me. They wanted the benefits of me, which is I want the benefits of you, right? So some you know, but no, baby, we baby, we we we here, we with you, okay. So that's the first six months, and the next six months was something it was something, and so stay tuned next week. Okay,

Closing Questions And Next Episode Tease

SPEAKER_00 47:48

this will up be uploaded on Wednesday, and thank you for being here this long. And under and remember, okay, if you don't remember anything, keep those questions in mind because again, are you avoiding surgery, right? And also do not rush that that uh the the preparation process for surgery, right? Every surgery, with every surgery, you have to have preparation for surgery. Do not rush that process because that matters. That matters once you realize that you was in the preparation process, because I didn't realize it till I got the surgery. So, oh crap, that's what that was. But don't rush it. I told y'all guys, do not rush it. Take every time, everything you need in each area that you are in, no matter what it is. So, until next time, know that you are loved, not just by one, but by not just by some, but by the one, right? The one who created you in his love. He don't just love you a little bit, but he loves you greatly, he loves you unconditionally, and he is not the only one, so do I. Bye. You are the pastor, so I am a Piglay, Peakley.