From Breakdown To Breakthrough Through Deep Healing

Healing can feel like a moving target until the day you realize something is different and it stayed different. That’s where we start: the moment I look at my life and see real freedom, not a temporary high, not a good week, but the kind of emotional healing that makes you say, “I’m dangerous now because I healed.”

I walk through my healing journey that truly began in late 2022 after years of anxiety, insecurity, fear, and carrying trauma without knowing how to process it. We talk about how kids pick up what parents never say out loud, how taking on grown-up responsibility early can shape your whole nervous system, and why “quick fixes” never touch the root. I also share the role faith plays for me: realignment, obedience, seeking wise counsel, and learning the difference between being hurt by people and walking away from God.

We get practical about breaking generational cycles and changing coping patterns, including my relationship with food and emotional eating. When healing goes deep, your outlets change, your triggers change, and even your body can respond differently because you are no longer using survival tools for everyday life. If you’re searching for help with trauma healing, spiritual growth, faith-based healing, parenting through healing, or simply learning how to finally get to the root, this conversation gives you language and a starting path.

If it hits home, subscribe, share it with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s the cycle you’re determined to end?

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Transcript

Welcome Back And No More Gaps

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. Hello, how are you? And welcome to another episode of B Clay. Listen, I told you, I told you, I told you that I am on the right path this time, that we are not going to have any long gaps in between episodes. So we are right on the money. Now, even with the fact that I'm still working on the logistics of the platform that I'm using, as I'm still trying to figure out which platform to use from now on, because I actually had to re actually re-record it as of right now. But all is well, all is well, all is well. So thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not leaving. So I want to today for this episode. As we are now in May, we are basically halfway through May. Um and so that means we've been in this new year for five and a half months. It's crazy, right? It seemed like just yesterday, you know, it was New Year's Day. Now we are five and a half months in. And I in my last in my episodes for last year and then 2025, I began speaking

Realizing How Much I Healed

SPEAKER_00 2:10

on the and trying to catch you guys up as far as with the healing journey that I have been on. So we are going to dive into the healing journey. Um it has come to my realization uh about maybe about a month ago or so, where I really realized how like how much I have healed. Um I know there was bits of things that have happened, like I told you guys um in the one with my birthday, how when you know something happened on my birthday, it realized how much I've healed, you know. Um and I was just like, oh my God, like I'm free from other people's opinions. Like I was just so excited, so happy. Um, and but even the more after that, I have really realized how much I have healed. And I feel like I'm even dangerous now because I've healed, you know, like I've been saying, like I'm dangerous now because I have healed, and I heal so much that there's not that much that people in itself can do or say that's gonna have me go into certain places, so um, yeah, we want to talk about that today, okay. So I'm bringing this up because um let's start off the healing journey. I would say that my healing journey started um in December 2022, and I say that because that was when I made up my mind that

Why The Journey Started In 2022

SPEAKER_00 3:55

we gotta get this, we gotta get this done. No matter how, like, no matter what it takes, it has to get done. Up until then, um, you know, when it comes to healing, see, I have never learned how to fully heal. Okay, I have never learned there wasn't that many. Um, I didn't learn that from my parents um to fully heal, to really allow God to full, I mean, we're not talking about quick fixes quick fix hits, you know, like let me get a quick hit and keep it moving. We're talking about literally staying there on that surgery table, allowing him to cut away, no matter how long the surgery, we know, we know that depending on uh depending on what the surgery is, what has to happen, their surgeries that can take one or two hours, and there's surgery that could take, I mean like hours, okay? We wash grays and anatomy, we walk, we know, right? Um, and so then depending on the type of surgery, there are certain time frames of as far as recovery, right? There's some recovery where you can recover in the one a day to two, and there's recovery where it's gonna take weeks or months. And up until then, your girl did not, she she will rush whether she rushed the surgery, she rushed the process, or she will rush the recovery process, and she will bring up all these reasons why. And one of the main reasons is because I gotta do, and it's I have to be the one to take care of others. All my life I have been the one to take care of everybody, um, mainly because I felt as though that they can't handle it, they don't know what to do. I know what to do, so I'm gonna do it myself. Um, and that's not that was never at the right decision to do. I'm not God. My dis the right thing was to do was to say, oh, they don't know, but God, you help them to know and give it to God. No, I'm up here like, no, I got it. They don't know how to go to God, I can do it myself. And that was even at um as far as so because up until 20, we're gonna, I'm gonna, I am going to bring up different things that I have learned in the journeys of uh 23, 23, 24, and 25. But after this episode, we're gonna go through each year. Okay, I'm gonna go through all the 2023, all the 2024, and all the 2025. Um, so um 2022, I was struggling bad. Um, I've I have been struggling for years um up into 2022 in my mind, every insecurity, every anxiety, every fear, every and I'm talking about things that have been with me throughout my whole life was there, was in my face every day, um, just tormenting me. And um, and I was by myself because I didn't trust anybody. I didn't trust anybody. And not that everybody was out here really deeming itself untrustworthy, but I have, I don't, because I have been the one who to some degree people more people can trust with their deep and and hard hard things, you know, them hard things. I always looked at myself as one who have, oh you can't handle what I got. Right? There's no, I mean, if you can't handle what you got, you definitely can't handle what I got. You know what I mean? Um, because what I have is it's I can't even always

Childhood Faith And Hidden Inconsistencies

SPEAKER_00 8:20

articulate the things that goes through my mind, the things that you know, because the things that I had was deep, okay, it was deep. The things that I carried was deep. And so, you know, you can't handle it. And throughout my childhood, um, especially, like I said, I grew up at a church, and you know, I seen a lot. Okay, because we're gonna leave it at that, right? I've seen a lot, and with me being able to see, and I mean really see the truth of things, it, you know, uh people didn't understand me, right? They didn't understand what was coming out of my mouth because, you know, of wherever and whatever they are and the capacity they had to be able to understand. And so then as well, growing up, see, I didn't grow up in a household where we just went to church. It was just religion where we just went to church and that was it. Well, right, like some people just go to church, they don't, but I also heard the word, not only did I heard the word inside the church, but I heard the word inside of my home, even from the beginning. My mom had played that, and either did my grandmother in the first years of my life, and so we understood about having a relationship with him, not just going to church, at least to that, we was introduced to that, and so with that being said, um, you know, but there were some things that even though the word was there, it's just it felt like that there were some inconsistencies of what the word said and what we was doing. Like, do we really trust God? Do we really know him? Do we because God is about healing, you know, God is about, you know, um, he wants us to heal. Like, how are we going to carry out his uh purpose if we don't heal? That doesn't make any sense, right? And there is time to heal, the Bible says that, and um, we don't even take that time to heal. So, you know, there's a lot of things that, you know, um was inconsistent, and that's fine. We are going to be inconsistent with God, and that's that wasn't a problem. It's just when you continue on being inconsistent and expecting different results, then that's the issue, and that's what I have learned. When we're not taking the time to say, wait a minute, something is wrong. Maybe because I'm not aligned with God for real for real, as much as I think I am. And then we need to take a step back, chill out, stop, and realign myself with God and his word for real for real. So that I'm not just keep speaking his word and keep speaking things. So I'm just waiting on God. But am I really waiting on God? Or is he really waiting on me? Right? Um, to really make sure, you know, what does it really mean to really wait on God? All those different things. And so, like, it started off even as a child when I saw the different um, well, I've seen the shifts in my household. The shifts at a very young age. And although my dad did not leave until I was physically left until I was 11, he basically left way before that. Okay. And I mean, way before that. And so, and I seen that. I want to, as I Paul said this right here, I want to really, really um say to you as parents to really, really, really, really take heed. Because your children, your children hear and see way more than you think. And they don't really hear and see those things that you're actually saying. They hear those things, but that's not what really think about. That's yeah, because there's things that you feel about yourself insecurities that you haven't really dealt with, or you haven't told nobody, and that's those things that then your children are manifesting in. Right? Um, you be trying not to show it, you be trying not to let them, and then you something happens, and you realize, like, oh, so take heed, like really take heed. Um, if you know God, then get in, get in his face. God, I need you to fix this, I need you to heal because I really don't want my children to walk and manifest in these things, and so um, with all that being said, and and that, and I'll go into more than that when we get to 2025, but as much as I learned and understand as a child of some of the things that my mom and my dad said and out their mouth, but yet as a child and then as an adult, I realized that the things I manifest was the things they were not saying.

unknown 13:29

Right?

SPEAKER_00 13:30

The things that they did not say, those things that they were hidden, like those, you know, those are the things that I was walking in. And those are the things that were really tormenting me, even and that I was struggling, especially in my adult years of life. Um, I seen it as my kid, but it didn't matter. It became more evident because now I'm a parent, and I just was like not prepared, you know, right? And I couldn't figure out what it was, and then I realized I was walking in a lot of the things that the different things my mom, my father, and my other family, you know, aunts and uncles and grandparents, and those things that they did not heal from. Um and so um with that being said, um, you know, as a child, so as a child, going back, so as a child, I seen the shift of my dad, and you know, and I was like looking and crying, and oh dad, I need you to stay in the face of God because I need you to protect us, because all these outside people are throwing uh seeds in here that the enemy is using them to throw stuff in, and then you open the door, but I need you to close the door to protect us. And um, you know, and there was no way for me to get to for him to understand that. And so the enemy came in and wreaked havoc, okay? And when I seen the the the you know what was happening, and I began to, you know, because again, I go I grew up in church. I didn't just grow up in church, but um, you know what I mean? I grew up and I was going to church and hearing the word, and they would say things like, you know, I told you music is how we talk. And so songs would be just have a little talk with Jesus, you know, and you know, Jesus, your, you know, um uh call on him, tell him what you want. Um, right? Um, that's what that's what the Bible says. If you ask anything in my name, you have it. All these different things. That's what the word says. Um, and a song is, you know, he's my friend. Um, can't nobody do me like Jesus, he's my friend. All these songs. So I began to utilize them things, you know. What's

Taking On The Man Of The House

SPEAKER_00 16:10

the point of taking me there if you don't want me to utilize it? So I've been calling on Jesus, and then my grandmother taught me how to do so as well, and taught me how to, you know, be able to learn how to close some of these doors. And so, but I realized um if what's the point of closing them if he's gonna keep opening them? So I said, Well, I gotta be the man of the house, obviously, because you don't know what to do. And so I took on this role that did not belong to me, and I walked in that role for up actually, I didn't even I never even told no one. I've I just told my mama and my dad um and others and 24 and I think I started um I think I just I told I I think 24 was the year I started telling not just the but everybody. But I walked in there. No, I'm the man of the house, right? And I and I walked in it. I mean, I walked in it. Like who you all like I have to be the one to protect my mom and my sisters. I have to be the one to talk to. And I will, and I did, I I was in, I mean, you know, um, I did, I had to be the one. And my sisters would tell you, like, you know, it was Elisa, you know, to some degree, some games, like, you know, um, you know, once they realized the realization, like, you know, because I I was gonna do it. And I even grown um and married, I still was I got I had two households that I had to figure out, you know. Um, mine and theirs. And um you know, and so it it was exhausting. It was exhausting. So I never learned how to properly heal from any trauma that happened in my life. Um, different things have happened, um, all those things, like you know, molestations and rape, and I never learned how to really heal from that. I just kept it moving, kept it pushing. You don't tell nobody, because that's what I also learned too. You know, things happen to you to keep it to yourself because they know adults really want to know how to really effectively um handle that, you know. Um, at least the ones in my life, because they it happened to them, and no one and their adults didn't know how to handle it correctly. And so, you know, um, these are not so I just you know kept the moving, kept it pushing, but now it's getting to the point where I'm barely making it in my life, um, you know, as a parent, and it's frustrating because, you know, you want better for your kids, and it seems like I was doing worse for them. Because how are you walking into the same things that you clearly saw what did not work with your parents and with your um and and their siblings and all of that? Like, how dare you do that? You know better, you know. You uh you have a relationship with God, you know, and you're not in religion religion, you know. They grew up in it. So, you know, but you didn't. You grew up in really relationship. The the support that you have is about relationship and kingdom-minded. How dare you walk in this thing? And so, um, in 20 in the 2022, like it got to the point where I mean, I was just really just acting out on it, having, and then I just had a major breakdown, and I will get into all of that, but I had a major breakdown, and um usually I have a breakdown inside my room, and the kids don't know, but this time the kids knew they seen it. I'm on a crawling on the floor, like it was bad, and I was scaring my babies, and um, and then it didn't last for like a day, it was at least a week. I couldn't just get myself together, and it was scaring them. And I was crying and crying, God, please, please, like, I'm so tired. Like, and then I felt like I would never, I would never get like get a breakthrough. I would never, these things will always haunt me, these things will you know, keep riding my back. Like, I would never be able to let this stuff go. I would never be able to move and the things of you, I would never be able to, you know, fulfill my purpose and my kids is gonna be messed up. Like, I was just up there just crying and crying. Um, because um, and then another so the Lord was like, you know, I'm gonna use this, you know, for your breakthrough. And that I'm not just that, I don't know if I can even allow. I mean, it wasn't the fact that it wasn't that I didn't believe that he can do it, it's just that I didn't believe that I was ever gonna allow him to do so. Like I always get in my own way of allowing God to do what he needs

Trauma Kept Quiet And A Breakdown

SPEAKER_00 21:50

to do in me. And um, so I was just, you know, and but it was it was. My babies, okay. Um, they were the one of the main, the main, the main, the main reason I said this got to go, right? My babies is what? Because I'm gonna tell you, I got six kids, and I believe the guy knew. No, I know, you know, because he knows all. But he know that I needed six babies. Now let me let me backtrack why that why that matters. So my both of my grandmothers, my mother's and my mother's mother and my dad's mother had eight children. Um for my dad's mother, because my mother, my mother, mother, um, she died when I was five. Okay. And um, which even when though she died when I was five, um, didn't I say didn't help, but it really um that's what we're looking for. It really when my okay, so when I made that decision that I had to be the man in a house, um part of that was because even though when I was as a young being able as a young child, being able to see things, I had my grandmother that I could go to to help me with the things that I've seen. And we would go, we would talk about it, we would pray, and that said she was the one that actually absolutely understood, right? Um, and but eventually, because she was getting sick, um I uh couldn't go to her as much. And so I was dealing with these things as far as I was concerned by myself. Because who else can you go to? You have no one else. And so um, but they don't know what to do and they don't know what to say, and he don't know, he's not understanding that who the real enemy is, right? Like people are not the enemy, um, and I'm gonna leave it at that part. Um, and the real enemy you are allowed to infiltrate and win. And so and then I had my grandmother was getting sick, and I knew that this time she's not gonna get better. And she was sick before and got better, and everything was fine. But I knew this time was not gonna get better because the waiter she was getting sick and she was in the hospital longer, and they weren't allowing me to see her. And so um, and then I said, Well, I guess I have to do it, and I have to be in the man in the house because you know, um, like I I'm the only one, there's no one else. With that being said, so with my grandmother died, and I tried to do this without her, and then it wasn't working. So eventually, you know, up until 15, like, you know, was like, alright guy, I'm going to be distant. Now, with that being said, now my other grandmother, my dad's grandmother, she had eight kids. Um, and when I in my adult years, um, we my grandm be on the phone, my grandmother, she um often talks about how many grandchildren she has, and and this, you know, time she had great-grandkids, and the number is great. Like, I think she had like 30 grandchildren, and then like we more than that grandchildren. We're not about to start counting, but it was at least that or more. I don't know, we further over and decide. And um, but she said, I can't believe all this came from this little old body, that's what she would say. I can't believe that. And so, mind you, out of her eight, only six had children. And so, if only six of her eight that had children, and you're talking about at least 30 grand, okay, that's generations. Do you understand? Like, that's generations. So I have six, and so I have up to six generations, so he knew that that was going to be my motivation to get things right, because I have the opportunity to change generations from now on, right? I have the opportunity, and one I remembering how at one time I was in my living room, and I was just, you know, like I said, these things was just overtaking me every day or every other day, and you know, and I was sitting and thinking, and I was just crying, crying about all these insecurities. And these insecurities are not stuff that just came from like me, these insecurities that I was in that I had inherited, and I knew where it came from, you know, like I knew this came from my mama, this came from my grandmother, this came from this person, and I'm talking about way back, and so these are some things that I inherited, you know. And um, I said, Um, but this is all I know. And then I saw my daughter's face saying, But this is all I know. And I broke down and cried. Is that what I want my daughter to say? That's all she knows. No, I don't want to say that. And so I had to get it together. I had to get it together. I needed to do whatever needed to be done for him to really

Kids As The Why And Generations

SPEAKER_00 27:30

um get this done. Like I had to, it had to be done because I don't want my babies to say that this is all I know. I don't want the cycle continue, and they're manifesting and they're walking in um these things. And so those were that was the motivation for my healing. Because I have my babies, and those that were around me, if you're listening, y'all know y'all kept hearing saying, I got kids, I can't stay here. As I kept saying, I got kids, I ain't not staying here. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy because again, I'm I'm I'm used to people doing the same thing knowing it's not gonna work, but doing it anyway and expecting different outcomes. So when I said, Listen, I can't stay here and I gotta do it this way, and they was like, Oh no, Elisa, like that's not the way you should do it, da da da. And I just had to cut them off this time. This time I wasn't listening to them. This time I wasn't hearing, and I knew that I had opposition, and I didn't even care. You know, it is what it is. Now they look like, oh wow, I see. And now they're walking trying to do the same thing. But sometimes you just gotta just throw away, like, just let listen, listen. Because at the end of the day, this is your life, you know. At the end of the day, if you're a parent, those are your children, and that's your generation, right? So, you know, for your children's children, children, children, children like you, you gotta do things differently. If you know, especially when you know, um, because I have talked a lot of people who are, you know, my age and you know, within that within that decade, and we and I'm not coming at my parents, uh, they did what they thought they can do, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense for us to keep doing the same things that we know for sure that it did not work. If it did not work for you guys, why would do the same thing for my kids? That doesn't make any sense. That's just dumb, right? You gotta do better, you know what I'm saying? You gotta learn better, know better. If we have better resources, like I have a better resource than my mama had, you know, and my dad had. And I'm talking about even within the church system, in the church, and that's it's her system, like it's an organization, but I'm talking about even I have a better support system that she had. So I should be doing better. You get what I'm saying? Like, there's no reason why I should still sit here up here, like, oh my god, like, no, no, like, no. Um, I have a greater understanding, like, you know, because back in the day, like, you know, they just like just pray, baby, right? And they didn't even teach you how to pray for real, for real. I mean, you really pray. They just say pray, but they even teach you how to pray. They would say things that they didn't even believe themselves, you know. Um, just trusting God. Do you know what trust God means? Because trusting God means to obey him, right? And are you obey him? Like you say you love him, but the the Bible says to love me is to obey me. And if you're not even constantly paying attention to make sure that you're being obedient, then you really don't love him. Like it's just really paying attention, like, of what the word says, you know, oh, he'll give you desires of heart. Yeah, but if you delight yourself in him first, like those things, when growing up in church, they didn't I knew that because again, I came home and I read the whole scriptures at home. But you know, but it wasn't always the right, they wasn't always saying that. And if they wasn't always saying that when I was in there, I definitely know they wasn't always saying it wouldn't be beforehand. You know, if my mother didn't have her own relationship, she wouldn't have known certain things, you know. And that's the key though, too. You gotta have your own relationship with God. And I'm not saying don't go to church. I wouldn't definitely would not tell you to do that because it's still a training ground. You know, you don't know how to make it in the world because you're not even in church, you know what I'm saying? So, like, um, you know, that's your training ground. Now you just have to seek the Lord and ask him where to go. Simple as that. I'm not, come on, we can't. I I know people

Church Hurt Versus Staying With God

SPEAKER_00 31:40

like been hurt. I have been hurt, trust me, I have. I have been hurt. And we go get into the level because I did have an episode on that, but again, all of these episodes that I have done were deleted, but that's the only one, and they're only on YouTube. But you know, um, I have been hurt. I have never left a church without God telling me to do so, though. Okay. I didn't leave because of hurt, because it's people. All you do is going with people. I don't leave school. I ain't leave work because the people hurt me. You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? I still got up and got it together with the work when I was, you know, working now and when I was at work. So how am I? I'm leaving church, I'm leaving God because they hurt me. Really? Oh, I'm leaving them because they're hypocrites. People are hypocrites, okay? The government is hypocrites. We're still here in the United States of America, we ain't go to Canada. Like, you get what I'm saying? Like, we ain't move and go to Paris or wherever. We ain't move out of the country. We didn't, you know, deny our citizenship, and we know the government is hypocrites, like, so by all means, like uh that wasn't me. I'm not coming at people like saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that I the your your feelings and how you feel are valid. I get that. I'm just saying at the end of the day, you know, let's also take the time. If you are the ones like, I can't, I'm not going to church, I can, you know, um, you know, have a relationship with God at home and things like that. I need you to also to I know that you if you say that you can, I need you to also look at yourself, am I? Like, there's people who only let's say they go to church, that's the only time, that's the only time that they um, you know, open their Bibles. So if you don't go to church, are you opening your Bible? Right? So do you read your word? Do you study? Do you seek him? Do you like do you seek wise counsel? Do you have someone? Because the Bible said bear the infirmities of the weak. So when you're weak, you know, who's bearing your infirmities? Right? Um, where's do you are you obtaining fellowship outside? Are you where's your covering? Right? You know, do you seek covering? Because that's also your pastors are your covering, the shepherds are your covering. You know, so that's so that's that, but I'm telling you, like that's the beginning of my healing process. And I tell you, when I went in, I went all the way in. I'm trying to tell you, I went all the way, God, you need to do it. Now each year, I just now see that um as I'm looking over the years, and it's become more evident because of you know, people have been asking, and that's now I have lost some weight with through these through this uh healing, right? And um in 2023, um I um in 2023 started the healing. And so in the 2022, there was December of 2022 when I had this all this conversation that God needed to do in the breakthrough, I mean the breakdown. Um that was the the end that was like the last half of December. And so, alright, God, we go into a new year, January 1st, if I'm still here, we we we getting this in, right? You know, I'm I'm gonna be free in 2023, right? That's what I kept saying. We're gonna be free in 2023. And in 2023, I went through, you know, um, my weight went up and down. In the beginning, my weight went down because I I was fasting and everything else, because it's concentration every consecration every January, right? The month of consecration every January. And so I um I so I lost weight and then I found a bag. I think by the end of the year, I began to find a bag. And so losing weight wasn't, I guess wasn't hard, should I say. It's that keeping it off. Now and um, but and I'm going to explain, I don't want to, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself so really go into 2023. So that's why I don't even want to get I want to I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I lost it and I found it back by the end of the year. Okay, so now we're in 2024. I'm like, all right, we be we we on a different level of healing. Each year was on a different greater level of healing. We have to know this there's levels to this stuff, okay? And that's one thing I definitely had to learn

Levels Of Healing From 2023 To 2026

SPEAKER_00 36:40

in 2023. Like, there's levels to this stuff, at least. You up here thinking like you're supposed to be automatically done and healed in one day. This stuff didn't take one day to get here, so it's not gonna take one day to go. No, let's go back. With all that being said, um, and so 2024, um, I lost it, but I had because it was a different level of healing, it was different. I didn't I didn't find it back in 2024. And 2025, baby, okay, like all of us coming off again. It was a different level of healing. And so now we're here in 2026. Now you know that I had um my accident, and because I have my accident in like December, my car was gone, so it was very hard for me to get into the gym like I was. Um, and um it's now when I realized, like I said, not just this, but I couldn't get to the gym like I used to and do my routine and whatever. I love the sauna. Everyone knows they know me. I love the sauna. Um and um now I didn't like I didn't stop eating carbs and stuff like that. I didn't do none of that. Like I didn't food, I ate whatever I felt like it, when I felt like it, however I felt like it, whatever. But my favorite things are or like my favorite things are avocados and uh matchas and stuff like that. Those are my favorite things anyway. But um, but I ate whatever I felt like eating and whatever, and stuff was still coming off. Uh I still whatever and the shape and stuff was there. Um but 2026, I barely was in the gym. Like I'm just now because I have a car now. But before then, I you know barely was getting in the gym. And yet my I did not find my balance bag. Like I was like amazed because I was I was over here like, oh my god, about the like I was up here crying at the I think by February when I realized that like Elisa, you're not getting into the gym like you're supposed to. Like, you know, you're not going to the sauna, you're not, like it's just not gonna work. And I was up here crying like I'm about to find all of my pounds that I lost back, and I did not find them. I still was able to wear the clothing that I have went because I had to buy new clothes because we have gone down like two, two, three sizes. Um, and so baby, and um, yes Lord. So with all that being said, um, but I still couldn't fit it. And it wasn't like fitting when it was real tight or whatever case may be, they still was fitting correctly, but it just didn't, it my shape was not there. Um, but um, and I've been asked, like Alisa, are you still like are you look like you you going down? People keep asking me and I was like, and they you know they started asking me, you know, what did you do? What are you doing? And then I realized, like, you know what? I healed. I've healed. This is when I really, it really hit me, like that's because I can't say that I was in a that, because I still was um, like I wasn't finding my pounds back, and I still was able to like keep it off and still some offage wasn't going, it wasn't as in the same manner as it was when I was going still in the gym and things like that. And I was like, what happened? And I realized it's because I've healed.

Food As Coping And New Outlets

SPEAKER_00 40:05

Because I've healed, my relationship with the food is different. Now, food was my coping mechanism. Food was what I, you know, this is how this was my outlet. Now I had other outlets, I bowl and you know, whatever, but I guess it wasn't doing it. Right? Um, food will be there, right? And even things that I mean, I've there's times when I ate cookies or something that was nasty, but I ate the whole pack. Like what that was net, like what's wrong with you, you know. Um, eating past full on purpose and the food I always great, but you're still eating past food. Different things that I was just doing as a coping mechanism. But now that I have healed, I have a different outlet. We go to the father. You gotta turn your face to the wall, right? You know, sometimes you just gotta turn your face to the wall, okay? That's what we do, you know. Um, and we now have learned to um, you know, to feel my feelings because I didn't learn to do that, you know. And let's deal with this, let's figure a way out. And guess what? I'm not doing this by myself. So before, when I was doing this by myself and I would talk to nobody, but now I do, okay? I do. We we talk every week, and so um, and that's another thing, you know. Um and so I've healed, and because I've healed, then I'm able to not, you know, find these pounds back, okay? And um, so and that's when I really lost, really realized how extensive my healing journey has been over these last couple of years, um, compared to any short healing process that I have been through throughout my years. Um when you go in, and don't don't get me wrong, it it definitely wasn't easy, it was hard. Um, we start dealing with those drill demons and those, I mean, going back to the root of things, some things is not it's not easy to, you know, get it to you, it's just not easy. It was did not feel great, but it was worth it. And so as we're you know, here, and I'm gonna, you know, because people I have been asked multiple times, well, how'd you how'd you do it? How'd you do it? Like, how'd you heal? Like, I'm trying to get to that place.

How To Heal: Root, Forgive, Feel

SPEAKER_00 42:30

Um, many people have been asking me, and I'm here I am telling you how you get to this place, okay. The first thing is you gotta get to your why. My babies was my why beyond me because I was tired of I was tired, sick and tired, sick and tired of being sick and tired, being sick and tired, because I definitely was, but what made me was my babies, okay. I don't want my babies to say this is all I know. I didn't want my babies to say that. I have boys, I have girls. Um, and at that time my son was just about to graduate and go to college. Like, I I couldn't, I couldn't stay here, you know what I'm saying? I couldn't stay here, and um, then I had to hurry up because then my girls will be two years, what they are now this year, we're about to be going to college, you know, and I didn't I couldn't stay here. What type of relationships did I want them to get into? You know, um I couldn't stay here. And so I didn't. You know, so I didn't. Um, and I wanted my God to get the return of his investments, his vestments, me, all that he has put in me, you know. Um, he don't play about me, and I know that because I could have died multiple times. Um he could have let me stay in my mess. Um, he could have, but he knew there was purpose in me that he put in me to do. And so he didn't play about me. And he said, I'm right here. And if he not playing about me, then what am I doing? We need to get this thing together. Because he didn't want me to walk around tormented and all that every single day. That's not even of him. Like, what does that even make any sense? That's not who he is. He didn't he don't do that. So, you know, um, that's not mm-mm. That wasn't him. So, with that being said, with all that being said, um let's let's let's heal. Let's let's heal. Let's heal. Let's feel the feelings, let's get to the root of our our um issues, our let's get to the root. We understand um about the root of weeds, okay. When you don't get to the root, they come back, and they come back with the vengeance, okay? So understanding that, then you should understand, we should take that same mechanism, um, and same thing with um with your all these anxieties, this insecurities, all these or whatever you name it, you know what they are, the mindset that you have, um, whatever you're struggling with, um, and you walking around here trying to figure out why is it still here, because you're not getting to the root of it. And that was something that I learned from my parents. They don't get to the root of the problem. You know, they didn't get to the root. My mother talked about it, but like getting to the root, and you can't get to the root without God. Well, I mean, you really can't, but those try. Do what if you don't want to believe in God and all that, I'm not here to persuade you. I'm really not. But I'm just saying get to the root, because everyone that's listening does not, you know, believe, and I understand that I'm telling you what I had to do, and I couldn't do without God. Now, if you have your own mechanisms, I'm just saying get to the root, get to the root of it, where it comes from, where it stems from. You know, um, heal and forgive. Forgive your parents, forgive your parents for not being what you thought that it should be. Um grieve the loss of what you're that you're not gonna get that parent that you think that you needed. Um, and whatever they were, whether your mama left, like me, you know, like I said, my daddy left when I was 11. Um, you know, he left my mama and then and it wasn't easy, you know, um, at all. Not not at all. Um, but with all that being said, you you heal and forgive. And um, because we need to be forgiven. If you're a parent, you want your kids to forgive you too.

You Are Loved And Final Words

SPEAKER_00 46:40

I'm always asking my kids to forgive. Um, I'm always asking to forgive me. And they be I'll be asking forgive me for things they don't even think that need to be forgiven of. But um, you know, um, because there is no manual for this. And um, but you know, when you and God, it's just easy because he helps you, he gives you what you need. I'm just gonna say, I don't know how people do without them, but by all means, do you boo. Um, so I'm gonna end here. And just before I end, I just want you to know and always know that you are loved. Okay, you're not loved by a little, but you love greatly. Not just today, but forever and always. You're not just loved by some people, but you are loved by the one, the one who created you in his love, and he is not the only one, he loves you unconditionally, and so do I. You are the people, so I am the biggest