Survival, Surrender, and the Softer Grip

​In this deeply personal season finale—recorded at the close of 2025 and shared now with the perspective of the new year—I’m opening up about the moment everything came to a screeching halt: a serious car accident that totaled my vehicle and shattered my sense of self-reliance.

​Healing isn’t a straight line, and in this episode, I don't skip over the "messy middle." We dive into the raw anger and self-blame that followed the crash, and the uncomfortable reality of being the "strong one" who suddenly has to rely on others for rides, support, and patience. If you have ever felt like an inconvenience or judged yourself for not "bouncing back" fast enough, this conversation is for you.

​Inside this episode:

​The Struggle of Receiving: Why it’s so hard for caregivers and leaders to accept help, and how to stop apologizing for needing it.

​The Spiritual Side of Survival: Finding the moments of undeniable protection even in the wreckage.

​Being Clay: Exploring the perspective that growth often feels like cutting, and why I’m done hiding the "work-in-progress" version of myself.

​Though this story began as we closed out last year, its lessons have defined how I’ve entered 2026. I am stepping forward with "the cap off"—choosing less fighting, more freedom, and a much softer grip on control.

​Connect & Reflect:

​Subscribe so you don't miss the journey ahead in 2026. Share this episode with someone who is currently navigating a hard season or "ugly" healing days.

​Leave a Review: 

What was the one line from this episode that hit you the most?

​What are you finally releasing as we move further into this year? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

You are Loved!

Not just a little, but greatly

Not just today, but forever

Not just by some,

But by the ONE who created you in His Love

And HE's Not The ONLY One

We Love You Unconditionally
                      &
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!

Listen and Subscribe on Youtube

https://youtube.com/@beclaypod?si=qY0dYDYXxviLM-l6

Follow Me on Instagram

@beclaypod

Follow I Spy You Buy for the best Philly Thrift Experience!!


@ispyyoubuy

Transcript

New Year Welcome And Theme

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hello, hello, welcome, welcome to another episode of B Clay.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

How are you today? Before I get into this episode, I first I want to say happy new year. If you are listening to me, you have made it into the new year. Woohoo! Happy New Year! Um, this it is today is December 31st. So this is the last episode. Um, and I decided to bring in the new year with this episode. Um because we got some things to talk about. Okay. Alright, so let's just let's just let's just start this. So let's hi you guys. So um I'm late. I'm late. I'm I am late. And we're about to get into the reason why I'm late. Uh again, welcome to uh another episode of B Clay here on the B Clay Podcast. You are a journeying, you are on a journey with me as I learn how to just be clay and learn how to just be molded as clay is just molded and clay does not cannot tell the potter where it's supposed to be, it is only supposed to do is be shaped and molded, and we're learning how to do that. So if I did not learn anything um about being molded um throughout this year 2025, I definitely learned it, learned some lessons through this month of December.

Surviving A Serious Car Accident

SPEAKER_01 2:00

So I'm late with this episode um because your girl was in an accident. Yes, your girl was in a accident and it if I'm being honest with you guys, I should not be here. I shouldn't be here. And he tried to take me out here, he tried to take me out. The enemy didn't want to be dead, but I am here, right? Bless the Lord for that. And the thing is, even with that statement of he tried to take me out here and bless God for that, and then I'm alive, and I thank God for being alive. I didn't always feel that way since the accident. I'm gonna be honest with you. All those that know me know and you know, that heard of the accident through these last couple of weeks, did not, you know, they was more, well, at least I'm glad you're okay. And I'm like, mmm, I didn't believe it. To me, I didn't feel like that. I didn't. It was like, okay, if you say so, but am I really okay? Because I don't have a car, right? Um, and it wasn't just the fact that I didn't have a car, it was really the what I felt like was now an inconvenience. Now that I have to really depend on others. I would have to, you know, if I need something, hey, you know, even if it's a ride, like I will probably I have to have to actually have to ask for a ride. Like what? I don't do that. I give rides, but actually ask for one, I don't know about that, right? We don't do those things. Um it was a lot, you guys. Um, it was a lot,

Needing Help When You Are Strong

SPEAKER_01 4:10

but let's let's talk about it. Okay, let's talk about it. So doctors need doctors, right? And they say that doctors are the worst patients. I'm technically I'm not a doctor, but I can understand. Because when you're used to the one that takes care of everybody, that as they say, you know, the strong one and you're there for everybody, when it's time to allow people to be there for you, it's like, hmm. Like, no, I'm good, right? Like, I don't I don't know how to do that well. Um, I'm learning. I'm learning. What better way to learn but to, you know. Oh, what better way to learn through this way, right? Because I'm learning. Um, uh, it's it's a it's a some lessons that I that I have to learn and I was learning these last couple of weeks that was very, very, very challenging for me. At the same time, it really was catapulting me to to get ready for 2026. Now I'm ready for 2026, I will say that. Um there were some things that happened throughout the year of 2025 that I thought that I should be, I guess, um, in a different state than I am, but yet I still had peace through it in so many areas, and I thought that something was wrong with me. And one thing, because I was home and had nothing else to do, um, he really began to show me a lot of things. He began to really because I I mean, you know, we are some ago, right? Uh he really did have to sit me down and really commute like talk to me. At least let's go, you know, because then the other time you you you know you had no time for me. And and show me, you know, how he how much he loves me, you guys. He really had to show me, and like now, as of now, I can say, thank God, you know, that I'm alive. And he even showed me, like, my sister said something to me. She said, you know, I said, well, and when I said this, I only said it because everybody else was saying it, like Lisa, why are you not saying it for your own self? But I did like I was saying it. I mean, I was grateful, but not really grateful. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I really was like I was, but I wasn't. But when I said it, and my sister said yes, because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it if you didn't make it, it hit me, right? It hit me, and I started to really think like Alisa, you've been like I felt like Lisa, you're so selfish. You're up here worrying more about the car than the fact that your life cannot be replaced. What is wrong with you? And then I realized of all many other people, and he even showed me like at least a lot of people would not have been have made it if you were gone. And so, which is why he allowed for me to make it out with nothing but some bruises on my head, which hurts still a little bit, and um my leg, right? Some bruises on my left leg. Um, so thank the Lord. I just I I one thing I do, I just thank God that He knows and we don't. Um The accident, my car is totaled. Well, it maybe can get fixed. We don't know, we'll figure that out. But I just had to learn some one of the lessons I had to learn was to truly trust God for me. I can trust God for anybody else, anybody else, everybody else. I'll fight. You can do whatever you want for me, but I will like when it comes to fighting for other people, I'm I got you, you know. I got the back. Most people know, you know, she got my back, right? Um, my children, family, friends, you know. But when it comes to me, it's like, what? Trust God for me. I don't I don't know

The Crash And What Saved Her

SPEAKER_01 8:25

how to do that. And and why? Why do I know why do I not know how or can't trust God for me? And even within this accident, um, one thing that this accident made me mad. It made me mad because if it's it's one thing if it mind you, it did snow and it was ice, but it was nothing on the road. It was 309, everything was clear, it was nothing wrong. I wasn't even speeding, I wasn't even on my phone. Like, I I mean, I wish now that I could say, Oh, I was on my phone. At least they gave me something. It was nothing that all I did was was changing the vent for the heat in my car, and I was and all of a sudden my left arm has just started swerving for no reason. I started yelling at myself, like Alisa, what are you doing? We need your car. Like, why are you doing stupid stuff? And the more and more I was yelling at myself, the more I lost control of the car. Like I could not regain control of the car, and I began to swerve here and swerve there. I mean, like swerving, um, like like it wasn't, you know, narrow swerve. I don't know, but why? But I just swerved from the left to the right, the left lane to the right lane, and then all of a sudden, bam, I hit the wall. And I hit the when I hit the wall, I hit my head, and I'm seeing the wall. Like I saw the wall, and I'm like, and now, and I'm even more screaming, like, Alisa, what are you doing? Like, no, like, you know, um, as the car is like, you know, against the wall, and then all of a sudden I have bam and stopped in the middle of the street. Again, I not uh there was no other car to hit me. Um it's not like I'm on a street, I'm on 309, so you know, and it wasn't like it was two o'clock in the morning or something, and nobody else was on the road. It this is this is I was on my way to work, so it was what time was it, seven something? Um, because I had to be working eight, so like, you know, there was a lot of cars on the road, and I hit not one. Um, and it wasn't that many like a big crash of cars trying not to hit me. So God really, you know, you talking about danger seen and unseen, he really did his job, and I'm grateful for it. And yet, when I got out the car when I was reading, I was so mad and I was so angry at myself. Like, Alisa, how could you do this? How could you put yourself in this place and how could you, you know, and I'm just like beating myself up, and you know, and I said, see God, that's why I can't trust you for me, because I keep doing stupid stuff like this. Like, why would you do that? Like, I just kept that's all I kept thinking. All I kept thinking was, how dare you, how dare you, how dare you, um, instead of just blessing his name because in spite of whatever, if I so called did something stupid, yet he still saved me because that's what he is. Like, he is such an awesome God that yeah, we're gonna mess up, but yet he covers and he protects, and he is just an awesome I I mean, you know, it's um it's amazing. And so he had to allow it to happen because there was no other way that he could get my attention, right? Because he was talking to me and obviously I wasn't listening, and so now it's like, you know what? Okay, and that enemy wanted me dead, okay? The enemy wanted me dead. Um, he even showed me, like, you know, Lisa, did you see how I had to like he it had to be, it was him, God, who moved the car in such a way that it didn't hit nothing else. That even though I hit the wall, that I still was like, you it even the doctors was like, at least like you hit the wall, like literally, like you could tell because my hit my head hard, but that's the only thing that happened. There's no concussion, there's like the doctors was even perplexed, like, really, oh wow, okay, alrighty then. And you know, so I I just give God all the glory and honor and praise because you know he deals with my stupidity, you know, and my um just uh he just

Trusting God With Your Life

SPEAKER_01 12:55

so awesome. Huh. With that being said, this year, this I've been through a lot this year, but this year really was a year of I'll say of shaping, like literally shaping. I will say that this year, you know, I haven't, I told y'all before that I haven't technically built or made anything really like on the potter's wheel or anything. Um, however, other than recently when I'm trying to make something with my kids, but I have realized that there's like tools and shaping tools that uh that are utilized to create or do things that needs to be done, whether it's you know, you want to like my when we were um where I was creating, I was trying to create a tiger, because that's everybody know that's one of my favorite animals. Um they were my daughter was making something for somebody, and she was using things to write certain words and um in her object, and so there's something she had to use, something sharp. So what I'm saying is there's tools and things that the Lord was really using throughout this year, he really was shaping me and cutting things away that um that is not good. Like he had to really cut it, cut it, I mean cut it off, and it didn't feel great. It didn't feel good, but God is great. So um this year, I'm excited for 2026. Uh it took a lot. These last two weeks, it was a lot for me. More than I would like to admit, um, because he really had to like really download a lot and show me some things. Some days I couldn't sleep, some days I just couldn't get out of bed. But this is because this is not the way that I would would have had liked to end the year. Um there's so many things that I had planned to do, wanted to do, you know, especially being off more days than I wanted to be off, like uh I need the money, right? But what b what other way did he show me how and to teach me how to trust him for me? And you know, trust me for you, Alisa, you know? Um and there was no

Shaped By 2025 And The Kiln

SPEAKER_01 15:55

other way to get my attention, you guys. And I even got mad at myself like that, like you that guy that bitch you take your car. Oh god, because that was my beast, y'all. As I said, that is the beast. That was the name. My car was called the beast, because that's what exactly what it was, right? And um, and it saved me. It did. Um he saved me. Cause I should have been going, you guys. I should have. I I should have. I should have. Uh, and I I realized, and I'm even sorry because I was being selfish really caring more about the card than my own life. Um and but

The Cap Is Off For 2026

SPEAKER_01 16:45

2026 I'm excited for because the cap is off, you guys. I have held back a lot. I didn't realize how much I uh was holding back as far as who I really am because of what people say, people do, people think about me, all these different things. But it's off. I'm ready for 2026, 2020, because I'm ready to really flow um and who he really called me to be and who I am. Um, and uh I don't care. And when I'm saying I don't care, what I'm saying is because one thing I know about the like the end of, let me just say, um maybe the last half of this 2025, um, the Lord really was showing me how much I have healed. And there's things that that happened, like people will say or people will do, that triggered me and and had me really spiraling. And so a lot of things in the last couple of months, should I say, that has been happening, people have been saying stuff, doing things with their case and be, seeing the bad, the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of me as I'm transitioning. And one thing about sometimes when people when and I some people know, some people don't, some it's out of ignorance. Sometimes it's like you don't know what people are going through. You don't know what part of life, like there's some during some transitions or recovering, there's some bad and ugly stages of recovering. And sometimes people we just look at somebody and we just begin to talk about them in their state and not even understanding we don't it it doesn't even what should I say, how should I say it? It doesn't like we don't pay attention, you know. We don't think about like sometimes we talk about them and it can really catapult them into a worse state than they're already in because they're already in a bad state anyway. Like if you already they was already depressed, they're trying to come out of depression, and so they don't look the best, right? They don't smell the best or they don't look the way you think they should look, and their hair is looking like this, or their clothes is looking like this, or something like that, and they might come into the and you might be in church and they come and looking the way you like, uh huh, look at them, look at whatever. And you don't and it can really catapult them into a whole different state. I have been through that myself, where people have, you know, judged or laughed, and I just was barely making it, you know, just barely making it. And because people didn't understand that, and they would laugh and they would, you know, snicker and and whatever, and nothing really went past me, it just took me to a deeper

Healing Without Hiding The Mess

SPEAKER_01 19:45

state, right? And um, you know, but now it's like, yeah, I'm gonna have some some ugly days and some bad days where things just is not correct and not right, because I'm still learning how to uh to be mine to be who I am in this on this side, right? Because I had to crawl, you guys. I'm telling you, I had to crawl, okay. My I barely have any fingernails how much I had to crawl out. Crawl out. I had to crawl myself out. Thank you, Jesus, okay. Um I had to crawl out, you guys. I literally barely made it and I had to crawl out, and I'm learning how to live on this state of freedom, and it's a work, and I'm not gonna get it right each and every day, and I don't get it right each and every day. And if it was up to me for the most part, I would rather let me get, you know, to the point where I'm shining like, you know, shine like a diamond, and let me tell you how I got here. But God was like, no, you know, I want everyone to see the good, the bad, and the ugly before you get to that shining like a diamond, coming out like pure gold. And so, you know, because I'll tell you, because you know, everyone knows I'm very transparent, you know. I don't, you know, I didn't go sugar coat, I'm gonna tell you like it's yeah, it is. But nope, he said, I want I I want people to see the good, bad, and the ugly. And I don't like that because people don't always know how to handle you and the good, the bad, and the ugly. But one thing that um that I had to learn, especially in this last couple of months, um that he showed me, because yes, people were doing certain things or saying things or whatever, in my good, the bad, and the ugly stages. And yeah, but it wasn't triggering, and it just let Let me know how much I have healed. And so this is why I say, like, you know, one thing about being clay and just allowing him to shape and mold me in the way that he needed to shape. Because he understands what needs to be done. He understands how long I need to be in a kiln. He understands what time is I'm supposed to go into the kiln. You know, understand everything and not just need to be molded. So now I am not fighting. Okay. We're not going to fight as much. Uh, because in 2025, I, you know, I was, you know, okay, God, do. And then like, okay, no, don't do it. But you know, in 2026, we're not going to fight as much. We're not going to fight as much as he's molding and shaping me to be what he desired to be. The cap is off. Let's go, God, because you know, I shouldn't be here. And I'm grateful to you for allowing me to be here. I'm grateful for you not only allowing me for me to be here, but showing me what I need to learn. Because you didn't have to do that. Um, thank you for uh me and my little selfish self not even thanking you right away and how long it'll take for me to realize, you know what, I'm so sorry, God. I'm up here worried more about this materialistic thing than my own life, right? Because cars can be replaced, but I cannot. And um, so you know, and what better way for him? Because he knows what it needs, what I need to uh where the takes for me

Stop Beating Yourself Up

SPEAKER_01 23:35

to get to where he needs me to go. So, with that being said, again, happy new year. It is 11:38, it's almost 12 o'clock, and um happy new year, happy, happy, happy, happy new year. If you're uh like me, who's very hard on self, beat them beat themselves up for I mean you beat yourself up more than he actually beating yourself up. Let's learn how to stop it. Okay, let's learn how because that's what we're doing. We're learning how to stop it, and only allow us to guy. You show me what I really need to do. There's times throughout this times when I thought throughout the 2025 when I thought that I was failing tests and I actually passed because I didn't realize what I actually what he was actually testing me on. So let's just allow him to you tell me, right? Let me stop telling God, but like let God tell me, you know. So that's where we are. That's where we are, okay. This season, as we'll say, we say seasons, but you know, one thing about seasons is there are many days in season, and every season is not the same. So, with all that being said, until the next episode, I will catch you guys later.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

You are the parson, so I am a big big