Be Clay

What If Healing Starts When You Stop Rushing It?

• Alisa

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The mic is back on, the candles are out, and something real has shifted. Turning thirty-nine didn’t just add a number; it lifted a weight. I’m sharing how a quiet weekend in Virginia, a birthday test, and a year of honest work pulled me from disorganized attachment toward secure ground—and what that means for faith, family, and everyday peace.

I open up about living in fight-or-flight for years and finally getting the language to name it. We explore how attachment styles shape our relationships with people and with God, why trust feels hard when your body expects danger, and how quick fixes keep wounds open. This is an unhurried look at healing: slowing the pace, letting God be God, and staying on the table long enough for deep work and full recovery. I talk about the apology I owed my kids, the compassionate truths I told my parents, and the boundaries that protect love instead of punish people.

You’ll hear practical takeaways—recognizing triggers, building secure practices, setting small consistent boundaries, and letting worthiness come from being chosen, not from constant performance. We also cover a few life updates: going back to school at WGU, writing in progress, and a commitment to a real release schedule. If you’ve ever felt stuck between wanting closeness and fearing it, or if faith feels distant because survival is loud, this story will give you language, hope, and next steps.

If this resonates, share it with a friend who’s fighting for healing, subscribe for weekly episodes, and leave a review to help more people find the show. And keep an eye out as I re-upload past episodes to Spotify and Apple under “Rewind”—for now, they’re on YouTube.


Birthday Song Download 

https://youtu.be/hdSGu_K-74A?si=DOMESRhthy3uKAng

You are Loved!

Not just a little, but greatly

Not just today, but forever

Not just by some,

But by the ONE who created you in His Love


And HE's Not The ONLY One

We Love You Unconditionally
&
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!





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SPEAKER_01:

Hello, everybody.

SPEAKER_00:

Hi, hi. Welcome. Ola, right? Uh, it's been a long time. It's been a while, but I'm here. Uh, welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back to the B Clay Podcast. It's been forever, I understand. Uh, I'm so sorry. I miss you guys. Um, and uh, I will say, do you I will ask, did you miss me? But I know because you've been telling me that you missed me. You've been asking me, hey, Elisa, like what's going on? Like, did you just stop it? Was that it? Like, uh, you know, send the smoke screen signals and just say, um, are you like when's the next one coming out? Like, what happened? I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I'm here though. I'm back. I'm back. I'm back. So I'm back. And I will definitely tell you though, I definitely can tell you that I am not the same person that left. Um, we have a lot of things have a lot of things have happened, and and as you can hear from the beginning, uh happy birthday to me.

SPEAKER_01:

Happy birthday to me.

SPEAKER_00:

Um technically it's not November. I mean, October no more. We are in November, but um, I still just passed the birthday and um I'm still celebrating because like I'm really excited. Um I'm really excited because there's not that many times that I can say that I feel new. Like I feel brand new since I have a birth, you know, I'm in I'm 39 now, but I feel like chapter 39 is gonna be great. Chapter 38 wasn't bad, it was great as well. I'm not because one thing I do, I like to learn. And so I learned a lot. But uh I just I'm telling you, like a switch, I don't know. I I keep saying the switch went off, but it's just I just feel like I feel like a totally new person. Um, I really do. I feel like a totally new person. And so I'm still celebrating I'm celebrating the newness. These uh what's today? So what I've been 39 for what two weeks now, but I so in these first few weeks of my birthday, even on a even on the day of my birthday, the day of my birthday, uh, something happened and but it was amazing. The funny part is if I really explained it to the person, like, oh, you don't understand how much, like, how like I walked out of here ready. I I was so happy because you really just showed me how much I have healed. That if this was last year, if this was the year before, like when you know, we're we in 25 now, we in 25 now, so 24, 23, this was 23, and but even last year, even this time last year, because I still was kind of like it was good, but like I still was a lot of like that would have been a trigger, but it wasn't, and I was so excited, like oh my god, like I was so excited. What day, what better way to celebrate the first day of chapter 39 when you're tested, and uh like and you realize this didn't even affect me. I I was so excited, okay? So I've been excited for like the last two weeks and even before then because um yeah. So, with all that being said, we're about to get into this episode. Uh I'm welcome back. I'm here, and um, this is not gonna be the last time you talked. I'm really gonna do better as far as getting these things out weekly and not like every other other other week and things like that. We're gonna do better. We get we have a schedule and we're gonna follow it. Uh, since the last time we have spoken, I have gone back to school. Yes, I did. Uh your girl went back to school. Um, we're still working on it. Um, because you know, I did get discouraged and I quit like five times. So uh when I started school, I'm like I had a plan, like, yeah, I'ma do this, I'm gonna do that, because I go to WGU, which is a self-paced school. I love it though. It's just that I need to get it together. I do uh my plan was to buy now, actually, because I started it uh last December and we were in November. So I'm supposed to be done by now. And because it's self-paced. Like it's self-paced. Like really, like I could be done with my class in a week, if that, a couple days, if I really figure if I really do it, but it didn't happen that way. So, but we're working on it. We're getting it, we're getting it together, and we're gonna finish fast because we ain't got time. Um, we don't got time. Um, so no, I haven't, I'm still writing my books. I haven't finished anything yet. We're still working on that. Um, but you know, I'm trying to think that that is that everything. If it's not, I'll bring it up because I don't can't remember that. But that's definitely one of the that's some updates on me and in my life. Um, so the last time we talked, I was 37 and we'll be turning 38. And now I'm 39. That's crazy. It's been over a year. Um, I should have had celebrated like a whole like one year something in June for this podcast, and I wasn't even here to celebrate. So, but we're here now. All that's in the past. So I don't where do we begin, you guys? Where do we begin? So, because I just celebrated a birthday, and I just said that I'm excited because these first couple of weeks of chapter 39 has been great, even before, let me see. So I went to I went to Virginia the weekend right before my birthday. Hi so you knew who I'm talking to. I went to visit my cousin, my sister cousin, and it was the best, it was what I needed, and it it's just it was everything. Uh all I did was eat for the most part, but it was great. You know, who doesn't like to eat? Okay, it was it was awesome. It's uh my god, it was so good for me. It was, it was so good. And before I actually left Virginia, I just like I f I don't know, I I just changed like in the midst of that weekend. I don't it wasn't even like a week or so, but it really was a weekend. And by the time I came back, like on the like before I even got on the train to get back to Philadelphia, I just knew I was like, I just knew this is this I was new. Like I felt it. Something happened. I can't even tell you when it happened, but it just like a whole like a switch went off. Like I just like boom, you're new. And um, I just knew things were going to be different. And baby, like I'm loving, I'm loving this Alisa. I'm I'm loving her. I love her. It's so great, it's so awesome. I'm loving who I am and him. I'm loving I'm I love the process it took for her to get here. So, so let's let's so with it being I took this first episode back and I one thing that I have been saying even the more so more than than I have been doing for a very long time is been talking about relationships and to really dig deep and talk about relationships because when I ended last year, my last episode, I believe I think I started off talking about relationships because I was talking about well really what what um like my relationship with God, right? I think I began to really explain because a lot of times because people be asking me, you know, or you know, they ask me in a way, you know, especially since when I came back to God, I told you guys, I told you, I came back to God at 15 years old, okay? And we had a relationship when I was younger in my first few years of my life, and then like I kind of basically was like, alright, God, like I want to be with you, I really do, but um being with you means that uh I'm gonna be by myself, and being with you means that people are gonna beat me up, and I'm tired of getting beat up, so maybe I should walk away. But I still want to be with you, right? Because I because you're everything, and um, I love you, but so I was on the side, right? And I'm up here and I'm doing whatever I'm doing and trying to do without him, but I I it really wasn't working, right? To be honest, I don't remember I I was out there, I was doing whatever, but in the back of my mind, I missed him, you know. Um, and but I was like, dad, but if I go back to you all the way, then like you know, I'm gonna be myself and these people gonna come at me. And I because I went through a lot, you know. Um, who he created me to be wasn't something that a lot of people wanted around, to be honest, because you know, and and I said before, at first I had my grandmother with me, so it didn't matter, but when she died, I was just like, I'm by myself. Like, what is this? I can't, you know, it's just gonna be me against everybody else. And I I don't know, I just didn't I don't know. But he still was there, he still was throughout the years before I came to him totally. He's still, you know, every now and then like at least calling me, and I'd be like, you know. Um, but I always call to him when I need him, right? When I'm in trouble, and I oh God, please, like I'm telling you, like, all right, all right, all right, like, you know, if you get me out of this, I thank you, guys. Like, yo, like, this is crazy because like I every time I think about it, it's like, you know how many times I have said if you get me out of this, now he, out of all people, know that I false promises. Come on, right? Like, I'm not really gonna do what I say I'm gonna do. But he's in some cases he still got me out of a lot of things. And he is so gracious, guys. You don't understand, like, you don't understand. That's why I'm talking about, like, hey, come on. So that's that's that's what I'm talking about. Relationship, okay? That's what I'm talking about relationship. So I've been really talking about, I've been really, really, really getting into relationships because so last year, as I was uh approaching my 38th birthday, there were a lot of things that I that um there were some things that should I say came to my attention when I realized of why I should say like the be the mentality that I had, the behaviors that I was having, to is some things came to my realization and explained a lot. Um see I think maybe around like March or April or something like that of last year, I have been introduced to the attachment theories and understanding, and I think I might be bringing this up um in my, you know, in my episodes or something like that, but I understood that, you know, the attachment theories and that I'm up there for avoiding, like the loud one, and it's uh or aka disorganized. I like that extra better, but um, I realized that I was disorganized. Attachment theory where you just crazy all the time. I'm just gonna say that everything uh is a trigger to you. You read it to fight or you're ready to flight, right? You rather to leave or you, you know, or you're ready to fight. Like it's just all the time. And and and has been for a while, but for a long time, it's just that I kind of kept it to myself. I kinda kind of I did. I kept it to myself. I never talked to nobody about it. I never, you know, I just but in this mind of mine, it was always it has been chaotic, okay? You um everything was a trigger. If someone gets too close, it's a trigger. If someone's trying to pull away, it's a trigger. Everything was a trigger. And um, once I realized this and came to realization, I was like, God, I need to be secure. Like I can't even be in you like this, this is I can't I can't be in you and with these anxieties because it doesn't equate, right? And so, and we to a degree, um he has God has like everything that once I began to learn, I did some lot of research and watching all these YouTube videos and reading some you know different things, you know, I began to, you know, some of the things as I was reading, I said, oh God, that's why you were telling me to do this, and that's why you were telling me to do that. I didn't understand it. But now that I have now that I so I began to since April, once I learned, once I learned this and began to do more research of why I was doing certain things, it is not just because of what I was doing, certain things, but my relationship with people itself, like my parents or friends or church members or whatever case may be, were co-workers or whatever. It was also how my relationship with it affected my relationship with God. Do you understand? Because I was treating God the same way that I was treating people, so I'm always ready. So what God would say, Lisa, I got you. I'm like, no, I mean, not really because like I gotta do this by myself because I couldn't never trust people. I always had to do things on my own, and so it really it really affected, and I hated, I hated it. I did, I hated uh what my relationship with him because I want to be. I there was a time where I was so free in God, just so free in him, and that was when I came back to God when I was 15. When I came back to God when I was 15, man, you I didn't you couldn't tell me nothing, okay? Because I was just so excited that God still wanted me because he shouldn't still want me. I have done so much to him, there's no way you still want me. I didn't care about nobody, I don't care what people said to me about me, whatever. It didn't matter. Like a lot of times people felt like, you know, oh, you know, like I didn't need to held nobody accountable for anything because God can do that on his own. But like I didn't care. All I cared about was the fact that he still wants me. Are you crazy? What please? I didn't even still want me. I told y'all that, like, I didn't even love myself, and for you to still love me regardless, like really? Okay, so when I came back to him, it was just me and him, and I loved it. I I loved it. Uh, I was like oil, like it was beautiful, right? And then, you know, some things happened, and you know, did I talk about it? I don't know if I taught the last part, but things happened. Um with, you know, once I got pregnant with my son, and because of the way that he got he was conceived, and it just took me all the way back. Like it's things, I mean, I don't know. I picked up a whole bunch of stuff that things that it's just it was bad, and I've been fighting since my son is 20 now. Oh my god, my son is 20 years old, guys. But yeah, so my son is 20, and it's took and it took and I can't even talk, but for 20 years I've been trying to get back to that person, back to when I've just just me and God are just so free, and 20 that's a long time, you guys. Uh so 20 years I've been fighting, and I can say now that I'm here, that's why I'm so excited because I've been fighting to get there and I'm here. So now let's go a bit. Last year, so last year, uh approaching 38, as I I knew that I wasn't where I want to be in my relationship with God because everything that I have, every time God said, like, you know, hey, Elisa, you know, I got you, I'm like, okay, but I didn't really, you know, I trust you, but I really didn't trust him, right? Every time, you know, he he just we just been fighting, he'd been trying, and I and I I couldn't because I'm always thinking, like, you know, I gotta I gotta fight for myself, I gotta do this myself, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, and you know, or if you get too close, like eventually you're gonna hate me and you'll wanna walk away, so I gotta do all this extra stuff, and then I'm not doing which I'm supposed to because I know I'm supposed to be in you, but I'm not there, and you know, and he didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. He didn't like it because I didn't it was just too much, and he's been trying to tell me these things, and I just wasn't it wasn't I won't say it wasn't listening, it's just it was a lie, and the because I wasn't like I love to be in God's presence. Um it's the almost awesome thing. I don't know if that's a word, but it is what it is, but it's also one thing everybody knows about me is I love his presence. I am a worshiper, and I am one that he allows to be able to become and touch him, like in the holies of holies. You know, everyone can get there, and I love being there. I used to live there, you know, like I used to wake up, go there, come go to sleep there. It's amazing, and no flesh can glory in his presence, and that's why. So I am the way I am because I don't got time to play, like you no one is no one is um worth me losing being able to get into God's presence because everybody can be in the outer courts. Do you understand that? Anybody can be in the outer courts, but ain't no fun in no outer courts. I don't I can't I can't function in outer courts, but them in the corners beyond the veil, oh God, it's amazing. So with all that, um, I couldn't get there. And um, and I know he wanted me to be there. He yearned, I yearned, but I couldn't get there in a state that I was in. And for a long time, for a long time, I just been up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. And those that know me, know me, can you know attest that they understand what it was. They thought it was one, I mean, don't get me wrong, the one there was one thing that helped it, but it was a lot of things. So we really began to like really deep dive into the root of why these things were happening, because I couldn't understand it. And so I learned about detachment. And so within that, I learned about how and why I do the things I do and the behaviors and why I feel, um, the way the thoughts that would come into my in my mind, like where I feel like I'm either I like it's ridiculous, okay. Thank God. You understand? Like, it was it was hard. It's hard, like it's it's bad. It was bad. Like, I couldn't my mind inside my mind. I'm always ready to to to uh Jesus God, it was so bad, it was exhausting, it was exhausting, you guys. It was exhausting. So my I was I was determined, oh, we gotta be secure. Okay, so in that I began to deal with why how I got here, like what what series of events that happened in my life in my childhood that caused me to develop this that caused me to develop this, and so we've been able to do it. So um, but now not only are we doing it, but I'm telling people, right? Like, hey, listen, because I all these anxieties and everything that triggers, I never really told people, I just went through it, and it was exhausting because I'm I'm always I have always worried about other people's triggers and their insecurities or um anxieties, and I never worry about mine's and it was frustrating because people forget like me. I'm I guess people feel as though I'm so strong. I don't think I'm that strong. I really don't. But for some people, people believe that I'm strong and that uh these are you're so strong, and they need me to do everything for them, but you know, what about me, right? A doctor needs a doctor too, right? And but I never went to the doctors for myself. I never really, you know, really took care of myself. And that's one thing I learned is that Alisa, I don't know, at least you don't know how to be taken care of. You don't know what it feels like. And for those that when they try to take care of you, and you be like, okay, take care of me, and then you never allow them to do so because you don't even know what that looks like. You're always taking care of everybody else, and um that you never learn how to really take care of yourself. I don't know what that I didn't know what that means, and so even God Himself, when He's trying to do what He does Him and be and take care of me, I'm not even allowing Him to do that because I don't know what that looks like. So all these things is not just affecting me in the natural, but it's really affecting me in the spiritual because God can't be God in my life because all these things is in the way, okay, all these thoughts, patterns is in the way, and I remember even standing there just um going through it in church, and he was like, At least uh because I was just crying. He said, You know, you just want to be chosen, but you understand, I chose you, and he I need you to understand and know that I chose you, and I was just crying because I hear him, but it I couldn't it's just all these things that you know didn't allow me to really like let that register and let me walk in that, and so um I was like, if we did something after give, like we got I gotta get better, I can't do this anymore. So um I began to really release to my family first, and you know, like listen, at least it got all these issues that y'all have never really paid attention to, you know. Um, but I have triggers too, I have anxieties too. Um, and and really speaking the truth. I ain't secure because you insecure, right? Talking to my parents, right? And I was taught not to be secure. I was taught these things to develop these things, and it's not even necessarily like I'm telling them like, oh, you're a bad parent and things like that, because you did what the best you can, and I understand that, but it has an effect, right? Because like my and I I even had before I even went to my parents and stuff, I had a conversation with my children. Listen, you guys, I am so sorry, right? Um, because because I'm not secure, my children wasn't secure. How are they gonna be secure if I'm raising them and not in a secure home, right? Because I'm not secure. And so I told them, I explained to them, and listen, and I just came to the realization, and uh, we're working because I'm trying to be secure by tomorrow. That's why I kept saying, alright, I need to be secure by tomorrow because I can't stay here. I was just so excited that I finally was able to identify exactly what was going on so that I could know how to approach God on it. Okay, God, now let's figure this out because I can't stay here. And so that was 37 going into 38, and God was doing it, you know. He really was, I was letting a lot of things go. I said, I refuse to start chapter 38 with all these things that I have been going, that I have been bringing into year after year, right? Um, that's why I haven't really always been feeling new, like a new person, even though I'm a new age, because I've been bringing the same stuff from every age into the new age. And I said, I'm not doing that anymore. So that was going to 38. And 38 was great. Um 38 was great because um 37 going into 38, um, that lasts whatever half, I guess you want to say, of 37 is with me approaching to 38. Like you can't walk in this, right? And you're never gonna see I kept saying I'm never gonna see 37 again because I don't never want to see all these things again as well. And so I begin to drop things, I cut people off, like even family itself, like I'm cutting people off because I need to heal. And um, healing is not something I learned from my family. Um, learned from people in childhood, like it's like I don't know, the adults in my life they learn how to heal as well, which didn't make any sense to me because uh God is all about healing, right? And I'm not talking about for those who are not in God, I'm not talking to you, but I'm talking about for those who are in God because um Jehovah Jab, we say he I provided, right? But he is Jehovah, he is our healer. So, like, why do and and he don't play no games when it comes to that? So he knows that we can't be what we need to be or do what we need to do in him without being healed, right? Like, come on, right? He walked the reach and be like, I know him to be a healer, but do we right? Do we really know him to really be a healer if we not allow him to heal us? I mean, really heal us, and I understood that I know that I wasn't totally healed, but I wasn't walking around telling people I'm healed because I knew that there was a lot of things that he wanted to like really heal me, and I wasn't allowing to him, like I really was saying, God, uh, just give me a quick fix healing. Ooh, just give me a shot, right? Like a shot of cortisone or something. I think that's the shot, right? Just enough to get by now, and whatever now is, whether that noun was today, whether that now was uh a whole week or so, that you know, just enough to get through, but not a complete healing, and as Jehovah Rafa, he you know that's not what he wanted for me, but and I didn't allow him to heal me, not that I didn't want a full healing, I did because. I did not like the I didn't really it I really didn't like the way that the the person I have become or the who I am and that the person you know this I guess the sick person that I was mentally and not being able to like I said before you know uh this things were hindering our relationship and who I was in him and who he is in me who he can be in me um it hindered for me to be able to really press into him and be in his presence you know the holies of holies which I love so much and so all this was in the way and it it was it's been it's been detrimental to me because I love his presence and I love being with him and I can't no flesh can glory in his presence and I can't be in his presence with all the with all this and so in order for me and he desired for me to be in his presence to be that intimate with him but know that I can't with all this that I was carrying that I was I can't bring that um and I wasn't even bringing it and leaving it there it was just bringing it and keeping it with me and it hurt him and I know it did because it was destroying me it was destroying me every day and I think what destroyed me even the more so was all these people around me that didn't see it and didn't see that enough not everybody there was not everybody obviously there was a few who was like at least let's come on but there were so many people who just oh I see you might be hurting well I see something's wrong but I still need you do for me so do for me you know and so with all that being said uh I it was time for me to say you know what it's about me getting right because at the end of the day I need to get right for my children because if I don't want this cycle to continue and I was seeing the residue and the aftermath in my children and didn't know how to fix it so but don't uh without getting right and so 37 going to 38 I began to okay like I said cut people off and I gotta get this right God you need to show me what to do how to do he began to really go deep into to the root of things of how I developed to where I was so 38 was really going to the root really getting to the root of things and it was hard it was good but it was hard because I didn't understand I just I didn't understand how much you know I I really did not understand how much I did not understand when you get to the root of things baby oh my god um but yeah it was a lot but it was needed okay it was needed and I'm gonna go through all of that um I really am because I really as I have been talking to people and as people have been seeing my journey throughout this year of chapter 38 it uh it you know it resonated with a lot of people um even the healing that took place and this time also I wasn't rushing my healing that's another thing that I was that I used to do like I said I didn't stay on the table long enough to get the surgery that I need and then stay in recovery for the time frame that I need to be in recovery I used to re-rush my recovery you know and the problem with rushing your recovery wounds open up again and become affected and so this time I wasn't doing that this time I was really just God do what you need to do and I'm not rushing it I'm giving myself the time that I needed I'm giving myself the grace that I needed even to mess up I'm giving myself the grace I needed that I need to learn to really learn and dig deep so at one point and what like and the crazy thing is when I came at 37 started saying some things in 37 as I was going through 38 uh chapter 38 got really begin to dig deep and things really became open there's a lot of things that have happened in this chapter that really opened my eyes to some underlying things like it was layers that were being pulled back that I didn't realize that this was under there I didn't realize this was here like one of it and I'm really going to talk about this um is me not feeling worthy I didn't realize how much that meant you know or how much I didn't realize that I mean I know there were some things the mindset of there's because of some of the behaviors or some things I do but I didn't realize it really was underlying of me not feeling worthy enough and that has really been detrimental or uh no it really was detrimental even to my relationship with God himself because although technically we're not worthy of his grace and his mercy of his love but yet he gives to us anyway and I'm appreciative but I couldn't be as appreciative because I still feel unworthy regardless and I couldn't receive it the way I need to receive it so that I can be able to bestow and to be able to walk in it and give God the return of his investment. So now we here and he's been moving and he's been working and he's been cleaning and he's been cutting away and I have been healing and I have he has been restoring even storing years it's just like I've been catapulted as now that we're in 39 I have basically you know went for just basically been restoring the years and I basically catapulted and I'm just so excited for chapter 39 even the way that it has started I've been in this for you know some weeks now and it's it's been fun uh the it's been fun even the first day of my birthday I have been tested and it was awesome because it really showed me how much I have healed and something that it's something that happened um when someone came to me and usually if this was the if this was even last this time last year when I turned 38 it would have triggered me but it did not trigger me and I was like yay yes I am free of people's opinions like that's so awesome that is so awesome because I was not free of people's opinions you did not understand I was not free I man please people uh and what they thought about me are this things that used to trigger so much so but it's awesome it's awesome but um I'm back you guys I am I'm back um thank you for thank you thank you thank you so much for not leaving and for being here for lasting this long even though I put nothing out so with all that also being said I'm going to have to upload all the old uh episodes or re-upload all the old episodes so that you can listen to it on everything on Shopify I mean Shopify on Spotify and Apple and all those things as of right now the only way you can listen to the old ones are on YouTube I will um I think if you don't have the link anymore I'll put the link up but right now it's only on YouTube so I have to re-upload everything so it's going to be basically the same thing but the title is gonna be different it's gonna say rewind or something like that. So and then that so with all that being said I will catch you guys in the next episode okay and remember that you are loved you are loved not just a little but greatly not just by one but by the one who loves you everlasting and forevermore so till next time bye