Be Clay
" You are the Potter, I am the Clay! " Like me, you may have heard this phrase multiple times and even said it yourself. Whether you are in the church or not, this has become a popular phrase; that eventually in some cases became a cliché. However, has it crossed your mind what it really means to say " I am the Clay"?When you hear this phrase, you may imagine the positions of a “Potter” and “Clay” in this relationship. Understanding that the “Potter” makes and molds the clay to the desired finished product. You understand that the “Potter” knows the process needed to obtain the product's intended purpose. You may even imagine a “Potter” molding clay on the Potter’s wheel into a bowl. It is only possible for the clay to become a bowl if it cooperates with the Potter. The clay has to understand that its duty is only to be molded. The “Potter's” purpose will never come to fruition if the “clay” is non-cooperative.
Here on the “Be Clay” podcast, we will talk about how to accept and endure the duty of clay, as we allow the Potter to perform the same. We will explore the positions of “The Potter” and “The Clay” and the dynamics of each role. In the past years, I have learned and am still learning the roles of “The Potter” and “The Clay”. I have come to the realization that I was not fulfilling the role of “The Clay”. Instead of allowing “ The Potter” to mold me, I was fighting back and trying to mold myself. You can imagine what a mess I made! If you can relate, know you are not alone. “You are the Potter, and I am the Clay” will not be just something you say, but you will learn and understand your role and “ Be Clay”
Be Clay
A Journey from Rebellion to Redemption
Have you ever felt crushed under the weight of family expectations or struggled to find your own path amidst chaos? This week's episode of Be Clay might just resonate with you. We open up about the pivotal role my grandmother played in shaping my spiritual journey, only to realize that her influence, while profound, was never meant to replace my relationship with God. Listen as I recount the turbulent teenage years filled with family and church upheaval, and the pivotal moment when I had to step up as the "man of the house" due to my father's departure. This segment underscores the essential lesson of relying on God for true personal growth and transformation.
Feeling lost and battling depression can be an isolating experience, but what if there was a hidden layer of divine protection guiding you through it? Hear my heartfelt story of rebellion, dark thoughts, and the immense pressure of living up to my family's standards. The emotional turmoil and academic struggles led to a significant turning point on a memorable birthday, shedding light on the complexities of familial relationships and the enduring impact of parental expectations. This part of the episode is a raw and honest reflection on the struggle to find self-worth and identity amidst the chaos.
Imagine secretly reading a Bible for two weeks, grappling with feelings of unworthiness, only to have a prophecy reveal that you are destined to touch millions. I share how this unexpected revelation challenged my self-perception and marked a profound step in my spiritual journey. Drawing inspiration from Saul’s transformation to Paul, I recount my moment of spiritual reconciliation and acceptance of God's unconditional love. Despite my past defiance and rebellion, God's grace and mercy remained steadfast, leading me to fully commit to a life of faith. This episode is a testament to divine intervention and the unwavering strength of God's love, encouraging listeners to embrace their own spiritual journey.
You are Loved!
Not just a little, but greatly
Not just today, but forever
Not just by some,
But by the ONE who created you in His Love
And HE's Not The ONLY One
We Love You Unconditionally
&
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!
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Hello, hello, hola. Thank you for being here and tuning into another episode of Be Clay. It is a great honor and I know it's a privilege that you allow me to be a part of your day today. I appreciate it. I appreciate you. It is your girl, al Alisa aka Lili, aka Elise aka Tigger. What is up?
Speaker 1:You know, here on the Be Clay podcast, we are allowing and learning how to allow God to just orchestrate our life. We're learning how to not resist the process, to not fight him within the process, no matter what stage we are in. Yes, it doesn't feel great, it doesn't feel good, but, yes, this is a journey that I have been learning throughout the years and I'm sharing my story so that it can help um here on this platform, um, help as you navigate every single day of your life. So, with all that being said, here is part two of um, how did I get here? So what God was trying attempting to get me to understand is that, although my grandmother was a very vital part in my life and foundation of my relationship with God, but she wasn't God Right, I kept saying I need my grandmother. Multiple times. He came and and I was just like. I just was like, not that I didn't want to be with God, not that I didn't want him, because I did. I missed our relationship, I did, but I just felt like it wouldn't work without having someone to understand me. No one understood me. They knew something, but they couldn't understand fully, fully, and I needed someone that was going to understand me. Um, and so, when you know so, as time got old, you know time's got okay. As time got old, you know time's gone. As time went on, and especially in me, starting, you know, high school and being a teenager, and you know how a the changes inside even the church that I was in at that moment, um, it was just like chaos and it was. It was just, it was just too much. It was was just too much. It was just too much. And even when I said something like, well, I don't think that neither my mother and my father care, like anybody listened to him because, like, I was trying to be this brat. But I think it's just.
Speaker 1:Um, we as people, we're not. We're again. It's in our nature to just do things wrong. It is what it is right. Like, we're not going to do everything right.
Speaker 1:As we say, no one is perfect. But when you come to know God for yourself, when you choose to say, hey, you know, I want you to come into my life, be my God. Right, that's what we say when we become saved. Um, we are no longer, no longer like we don't. We have a new set of like, a new set of way of being.
Speaker 1:If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are past. Behold, all things become new. We're not the same people, we are basically new creatures. Right, we are of the world, but not in the the world, but we're not of the world.
Speaker 1:Right, let me say it correctly, right, paraphrasing so we can't use the same Tools that we used when we wasn't in him. We can't even have the same Mindset that we had. Right, the renewing of your mind. Right, our mind has to renew, our mind has to be transformed. Let this mind being you, which is also in Christ's use. I'm just saying, like you can't be in here, like you can't be in Christ using the same stuff. It doesn't work because it doesn't work. And so, again, I told you that, as you can understand, I had the gift of discernment and so I was able to discern things, and I was discerning a whole lot of stuff. It's just like all we had to do was really totally 100% surrender to God and some things would be different.
Speaker 1:And then the choice when you decide not to which. As I'm saying this, I'm really reminded of my child sermon title of a message which was he's not worth exchanging. And that's what happens. When we decide to do it our way, not his way, we are basically saying, like we're exchanging our will for his. And you know what happens when you exchange. When you go to a store and you exchange something, you know that's no longer yours, you no longer have it, but we don't know the cost of our disobedience. We don't know what happens like what is, what is the actual cost for the, for not listening to God and going with our own emotions and our own whatever, basically our own understanding of things. And so it cost a lot for my father to leave, like he did not understand what he was doing when he decided to leave, and different um, you know, and the um which I'm looking for, the not being 100 sold out to god like, and my mother, you know, not allowing God to 100% heal her, like it did a lot, even as a child in seeing all these things.
Speaker 1:So, with all that being said, right, I saw this shift happen very early on in my life and so what happened was especially with my father, who so, as far as my understanding, he was supposed to protect us because he was the father he was, you know, he was my, he was my father and I knew, because he didn't want to just really seek God on how to really do what we need to do for his family. I got, I adapted this mindset and this role that I have to be the man in the house and this is right before I thought about it and this was right before like I thought about it. But once my grandmother actually died, I was like, ok, that's it, it has to be me. And I kept that mindset and that rule up until recently, like years recently. So I've been taking care of, as far as I was concerned, my mom and my sisters, two sisters emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I couldn't do financially because I was a kid to a degree, but you know, that was my mindset that I got.
Speaker 1:They don't know and who else is going to protect them, because the person that's supposed to protect left, gone, they out, and, mind you. He didn't really leave until I was 11, but wasn't there. So, with all that being said, now we fast forward. Now we're here and I'm at your house and we're living together and in a way I'm thinking that maybe just things can change. And I'm not saying for them to get back together, I really want them to just get back in God and all these things, but it wasn't working that way, I don't know.
Speaker 1:But at this moment, at the same time, it's like he didn't want that person that deserves, that person who maybe had that prophetic anointing, that person who really loves God, who wanted to be 100% God. Now I wasn't there because, remember, I told you like I, you know in the other before that I get ridiculed and beat up and all these things. So I kind of hide that person because that person can't live here. But my father was one of those that was kind of like beating up in a way. In a way he didn't realize what he was doing, but he still was doing it. And so now, god, you're telling me to come to you, you're telling me to come here while I'm living with him, and he's already being like oh, you're not going to be able to do this. You're not going to. You know all these things was happening, so I don't know it just, it was just a lot. So I just, again, like I said, I just took it. I just took it out on God.
Speaker 1:I left my dad's house for the summer and I was just like I don't care about nothing, I don't care. I didn't even care about nobody. I really did not. I didn't care about nobody's feelings at that moment, but I was in whatever and you know, I felt like no one cared enough to like I don't know. It's like hey, you guys, y'all are doing a lot of stuff and it's affecting me because we're not supposed to be like this. Right, lean on to your own understanding. I'm not saying I'm not expecting people to be perfect, but I'm expecting people to just act like I don't know. I don't even know how to explain it. But with all that being said, I don't know, I just didn't, I don't know I can, said I don't know, I just didn't, I don't know, I can't, I don't know. It's very hard to really try to explain exactly what I wanted and what I was expecting for people.
Speaker 1:I think I respect them, not just fight, thrift in their natural, but fight in the spiritual. But I knew that they couldn't because they didn't understand what they really meant and it was frustrating. But that's the way that we need to fight, not to use. You know, the Bible said your weapons of warfare is not carnal. And not to sit here and use your carnal weapons because that's not working. Like to realize that it's not working.
Speaker 1:I need something different and go ahead and seek him to figure out what's really needed to be done and then say I'm wrong, you know, not walking around like they're right and everything. And so you know, since I know that this wasn't going to happen, this was especially not my dad not going to do that. I'm not going to say my mother, but I'm not saying she, you know, I don't know. So I said well, I'm just, I don't care. Okay, I really don't care, I don't care about nobody. And God you know what. I don't want you to want me anymore because he's been calling me and I'm like I don't want you to want me anymore because he's been calling me and I'm like I don't want you to want me Anything that you want me to do, anything, anything that you don't like I'm doing.
Speaker 1:So I ran the streets. I was out doing whatever I felt like doing. However, I felt like doing Very disrespectful, saying whatever out of my mouth. To a degree, I mean, I guess I still had some time for respect. I wasn't cursing, uh, the adults out, but you know, I had. I guess I had a real respect there, but I really was saying a lot and doing a lot.
Speaker 1:It was a very hard time. The whole summer. I was out there in the streets and you know, um, uh, god, is he protected me? Um, what he protected me. He didn't even have to, nor did I deserve him to protect me, but he did. That's the awesome thing about God, because while I was out there running and I'm not saying that, I mean because there's a lot of things I just didn't do because I didn't want to do so I didn't go out there, I wasn't smoking, I wasn't drinking that's because smoking and drinking was not my thing Um, but I was running around, um, you know, in Philly, and just really doing whatever I wanted to do, whatever I felt like doing at the time. And because you know, and I'm being nice right now, I'm not saying every little thing, because, you know, I don't know if my father's listening, but I know definitely my mother's listening and to try to spare some of the details, you know, because that's going to be hard to hear what her child was doing out there in the streets, you know.
Speaker 1:But I was meeting up with guys and that was the main thing that I, you know, back in the day, you know, we had the phone, the party line, stuff like that. Now, usually if I was going to meet someone, if I, first of all, if I was just on the phone just playing around, never expected to meet anyone, but this time I was doing it and I would do it by myself, not with other people, because you know we're dumb and stupid running around. I mean, there's times where, you know, there's one time someone around the block said something and I felt like I had to prove something, so I go up in his house and prove it and went out the door, no care in the world, no fear of dying or if anything happened to me at all. But what really began to, did I really begin to take note and this is here is the series of events that got me to the place where I am right now. So first we're going to start off where, and again trying to spare details for my mother, a group of guys that had a plan in place to take advantage of me, to say the least, and I'm leaving it at that and and God blocked the plan, there was something that I still was forced to do, but it wasn't as worse, as like it wasn't as what it could have been.
Speaker 1:And in a moment, in the moment, I remember sitting there and I remember doing, and I just remember crying out to God, but then, at the same time, I was like how can you? I'm crying, like, oh God, please help me. You know I can't believe I'm in this mess, you know. But at the same time, like you don't want me, because I told y'all I don't want you to have nothing to do with me. So you in it, be in it. And I remember, and so you in it, be in it. And I remember I did. I remember like why would God want to help you? And so I sat there in my mess and I sat there in my mess, and I sat there in my mess, and then I was crying and I was so mad at myself as you know, for how far I have, you know, become. How would I? You know why you mad at him. He didn't do it, but don't matter. Now look where you are, like you did too much.
Speaker 1:But at the same time, like all this, but at the same time, like all this was happening at the same time. But I knew that was God that blocked. There's no way, because it's like even what they wanted to do, it was like something was like no, you better not, I can't explain it, but I could tell that their demeanor, their whatever, it was just like they try and it was just like something that was in between and I knew that was his hand and I remember watching. I said I know this is God's hand. I can't believe that you are actually protecting me after all that I have done, because we're not just talking about what we have done. What I have done physically, you know outwardly about what we have done. What I have done physically, you know Outwardly, but I'm talking about even in my mind Because, remember, he knows the intentions of your heart and so the things that I thought Like, yeah, how I was sitting up here and just Every single day, alright, god, what you don't like me doing, I'm doing, like, and you still protect me and you still have your hand at protection.
Speaker 1:Stuff happened to people that I was rolling with and it could have happened to me, but it didn't you serious. So I began, I still I mean it took me a minute To still come to him fully, but I slowed down a bit, I definitely did. I slowed down a bit, I definitely did. I slowed down a bit little by little, and because I just it was like mind blown, like how he still was there in spite of all right, how he still had his hand protection, and I know for sure I did not deserve his hand of protection. I didn't even deserve that. He even think of me. I didn't deserve that.
Speaker 1:And so I summer is over. I don't really see my dad during the summer, don't really? I didn't, we didn't, I didn't see my dad at all during that summer. Right, summer's over time for school to start. My school's on a strike, so it took a minute. So, um, it took a minute for me to, you know, start school. This is around like 9-11 and everything, um, that year, and and so I go back. I didn't go back up there to my father's house until way late, like it was after 9-11, actually, because they was going to strike at that time. So Wheatley wasn't even in school and I started dating this person in Ophelia and when I was going back to school, um, you know, I would go and I would see him on the weekends. Now, uh, this is again cause I don't see, and he already believed that I should have failed ninth grade.
Speaker 1:And as far as me and my dad, it goes, I'm done with my dad and I was done with my dad because, you know, growing up he used to say hey, we at Samson because Samson is my maiden name we at Samson's, we do not, we don't, we don't fail, we don't fail at nothing. Right, we might get there, almost there, you know, but we don't fail. That was something that I held to, we don't fail, but we don't fail. That was something that I held to, we don't fail. So when it came to the opportunity that I could have failed, but I didn't, but you told me I should have. Now I feel like I don't belong because we at Samson's don't fail, but now I should have, according to you. So I don't even belong.
Speaker 1:And so, as far as me, my father goes, because Samson came from him, he was nothing to me At that moment, he was nothing to me, but he did not know because my dad left and my mom had to deal with all of our attitudes, all of our, you know, behavior. My dad did not have to deal with it like my mother did. We, I guess, we reserved it for her, and so, because we was at her house all the time and my dad, you know, he, could pick and choose when we come over. So, with that, you know, with that being said, I was at my dad's house and I definitely remember I'm still in the state the summer's over, but I still don't care.
Speaker 1:I don't care about nothing, but I'm even more depressed, I'm just more like I'm depressed now, like I just like I wasn't out there in the streets as much as I was, whatever the case may be but I just was like a walking zombie and I just, and I didn't care about it. I still didn't care about nothing, nobody. But now the effects of, you know, I don't know, it's just that, I guess, you know I slowed down and I kept thinking, like how can you do this? You know, like that night always continued to go over my head over and over again, over my head over and over again. And so, um, my birthday comes in October and I just feel like usually I'm excited or whatever, and I just felt like nothing. I didn't want to be here on this earth anymore. Actually, and my mother you know she was, but my godmother was even more excited and I felt like I didn't deserve anyone to be excited about my birthday at all. I didn't want to be here anymore. I really did not.
Speaker 1:And so now, as far as my grades and stuff goes, I can care less about school. Now, right, what's the point? So I wasn't failing, but I wasn't doing great. And so long and behold, my dad was, like you know, got the little first report card period paper and was like what is this? And I was just again here. Here you go, we starting off wrong, and this to any other. And you know I tuned them out and everything else, and so to I think, um, it just was like you know, I just don't care, like he. I say you can care. In my mind it's like you don't even know the half of the story now, and so I can care less. Like why are you? And then, especially since I didn't, I wasn't seeing my dad at home. He was always out, but then, as soon as you see some bad grades, now you got something to say like now you want to be here. So I was really upset even more, even the more.
Speaker 1:And then what happened was one of the weekends when I was supposed to go to my mom's house back in Philly, I had to take public transportation because my dad, you know he wasn't taking me. And so instead of going straight one of the weekends, instead of going straight there, I went to North Philly. But I usually you know how it is when you're not You're supposed to do, you know you go. You got a time limit, you know when to be there, when to be, all that, so you won't get caught. But this I could care less. This day I did not care. So I stayed down there Longer than I wanted to.
Speaker 1:And so, you know, by this time people was looking for me after a certain while people looking for me, mom looking for me, everybody's looking for me they called my dad and like if she's there, that she's decided to stay the week, you know there's like no. So with all that, while they found time, they found me. It was all out there where you at oh, he was in north philly. You went to the boy, bye-bye, whatever. So, uh, when I came back home, my mom, you know, had had a whole lot to say, obviously, so I was on punishment there.
Speaker 1:And then when I went to my dad's house, my dad was like, oh, you're on punishment, didn't care by any either punishment. And then definitely at my dad's house, because he was never there, like I could still do whatever I want here, because you're not home like he. He come home when I'm asleep and then, like, I go to school. So I never, barely ever, saw my dad and so, um, I would have, but I was very depressed, like very depressed.
Speaker 1:In school I just, I guess I was hiding it, just doing some things with some friends, whatever, whatever I felt like at the time and doing, like the smoking and drinking, that wasn't me, but they, you know, they tried it, they tried to get me to, but it wasn't. But I just didn't want to be there anymore, I didn't want to be here. I just was so nasty, I was just so dirty, I just felt like I was just nothing. Every single day I just felt like I was nothing and I'm just going with the flow of the day but felt bad. And then one day I don't even necessarily know what, um, um, what was I thinking that made me do this, but I don't know.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it was the curiousness of looking in my dad's bible. So my dad had this bible for when I was younger, this african-american bible, something that and I used to always like his Bible and I wanted this Bible and he told me I couldn't have it. I don't remember if it was a gift or something whatever, but you know. So in his living room his Bible was there on the entertainment center, but you can tell it wasn't being read because it was dusty. So I don't know and that's not no shade, I'm just being honest but I don't know if it was the curiousness like, oh, look, look at my dad's Bible. I've wanted since I was a kid and then I just decided to just to read it.
Speaker 1:I'm not exactly sure what was the mindset, but when I did open up the Bible, went to my room and there was there, he was waiting for me. God met me right there. I began opening, the word and scriptures was popping out at me. The word and scriptures was popping out at me and, you know, then I could I can feel him like just right there, like, you know, just like she right here, and um, um, she's right here and he was right there, y'all. He was right there.
Speaker 1:And as I was reading the scriptures, I was feeling more and more, you know, like, because I could see myself even more. And how nasty I was. You know, like I say woe is to me, woe, woe unto me, this man of unclean lips, but I just like, lisa, you are just so dirty. And but instead of like yeah, I know you are Instead of God, he ain't say none of that. He ain't say like that. He didn't say I told you. So he didn't say none of that. He didn't say it like that. He didn't say I told you. So he didn't say none of those things. He just loved on me. He just loved on me. It just I can feel his embrace, I can feel.
Speaker 1:And then I was just like but why, like, I don't deserve this and I start going off. Well, I did this, I did that, I did this and I did that and I said this and I said that, like you should have want nothing to do with me, right, that's all against you and your will and all of that. And I just was feeling so nasty and so dirty and I would just tell him. But he kept saying but I love you anyway. That's what he just kept saying, saying, but I love you anyway. That's what just kept saying, but I love you anyway. And I said, how? And I just kept saying how do you love me? I don't even love myself, because I didn't.
Speaker 1:I felt like I was nothing like you. You try, I used to look in the mirror. You're so dirty, you're so nasty, you, you're just nothing, you are. And that's why I said I didn't want to be on this, I didn't love myself and I didn't want to be here on this earth anymore, like, but he still loved me, he still wanted me, he still. And it was when he said but I was just waiting for you, it's okay, I was just waiting for you. And now I can prove unto you how much I love you. And I just bawled, I bawled, I bawled in tears and I, I, I cried so much, I, I cried myself to sleep. And then, actually you know this, so after that I will go I went to, you know, got up, just crying, crying, going over the events of the night before, and then, you know, went to school, came back and got that bible.
Speaker 1:I didn't put that bible back on the. I think at first, the first time I did put the bible back so my dad don't see that it was missing and then I got it and I put it in there. Then, after that I didn't even put it back, I left it in my room. I felt like, well, you're, I got it and I put it in there. Then, after that I didn't even put it back, I left it in my room. Um, I felt like, when you're not using it anyway, I might as well utilize it, um. And so I did that for about two weeks.
Speaker 1:It just took about two weeks, um, and I would just go to school, come back and cry and cry, and at the end of the two weeks, because I just couldn't believe that he still loved me. I think I don't know he had to do a lot to convince me that he loved me. I don't know why. I just didn't believe the first time. But you know, it just took a minute. Because I couldn't believe, because when I went to school every single day and I saw my friends and they expected me to be what they had, you know that they're the least that they knew up to that point, and so I would go to school. I mean, I wasn't out here, I wasn't real bad. First of all, I was in the PWI they don't play that, they don't play too much it was. I was like in the Philly school so, but I was, you know, go there.
Speaker 1:I would be the stuff that I would say, the conversations I was having, things like that that I knew I was shouldn't be having. Um, you know the stuff that I was, you know stuff in my, my mouth, and so I would go to school like that, oh man, but I think that's what it was. You know why I was like it took a couple minutes because, like, do you see what I'm doing here? You see that, you see what people expect, you see that. And then you're like, no, lisa, and it wasn't working. Oh, before I'm gonna pause on this, I'm gonna go backwards. Another thing, another thing. This is a very important event that happened, a serious events, to get me to where I got here.
Speaker 1:Um, because a while ago, remember, I told you, you know, like I didn't care, and uh, my aunt was having a service and she was having a service platform service and she had in this platform service they were spelling out holy ghost and every um. She had a speaker for each letter and then she had someone who was supposed to sum it all up, right. But in the beginning my aunt asked me hey, I'm having a service, blah, blah, blah, which I knew, and I want you to be one of the speakers. And I told my aunt off, I was wrong for that, but I was Sorry, auntie, and I was just like you know, I'm not doing all that, auntie, and I was just like you know, I'm not doing all that. Like you crazy, like you know, you know, like whatever. And then, and I remember when we was about to uh, we, she asked me in between services and um, and then second service, I remember thinking like lord, please don't have her pray for me. And she did her name, my name, came out of her mouth and they were just praying and it was all in a second. They were all just praying. I ain't like that.
Speaker 1:Fast forward to the service. The service was good, though. The service was real good and everything else, and I would, but the lady that I don't even know who she is, but for my honest listeners even know who she is, but from my honest listeners, you know who she is. But the lady that Summed it all up at the end, she got up there and you know she did everything. She was, you know, whatever, when I Now, I always was singing, don't think, even though I don't think I could sing, I was always singing.
Speaker 1:That was Again that I told you. That's my I don't know Communication with God, but I don't know, I'm always singing. So I, you know again, always singing, so I'm singing the song and she comes up behind me. She said she said oh, you sing, like I think this time I wasn't really singing, I was humming. So she said oh, you sing, and I was about to say no, and I guess God was. I was about to say no because she's like she cut me off real quick that I couldn't even answer, cause, um, I mean, she said not yet and I was just like, and I, she said you, and I said she said you hear what I said? I said not yet.
Speaker 1:Now I'm pissed off because how are you going to tell me anything, um, how are you going to ask me a question and then answer for me? And you don't even know me? I can see, it's my mom, my aunt or something like that. They know me so that's why they would have cut me off. But this lady don't know me from the can of paint. So I didn't understand what she was like. I was pissed. So she began telling me how that God wants to use me, that God is not God wants to, but God is going to, god's going to use me. She was like you know what I did up there, that's going to be you, that you're going to um touch millions and you know God is not done and all these different things. And I just and that was a big thing because I kept saying God, you don't want me because I'm so dirty, I'm so nasty going home. That messed me me up Totally. That messed me up Um, because, like, I didn't know this lady from mechanic paint and she telling me all this stuff, um, but I knew it had to be him because, again, I didn't know her from mechanic paint.
Speaker 1:It was my mom. It wasn't my dad, it wasn't you know, nobody. I grew up in church with. You know that we fellowship with outside of, like the church I was growing up in and things like that, so, but I was like by God, but you don't want me. And the way she was saying, like I was just going to do this and I was going to do that for him, and you know, um, and then my voice is going to break yokes and this, like she was just telling me all no way. And I remember crying God, you really don't want me, you don't want me, you don't want me, you don't want me. I'm so dirty, you don't want me. Like I, just like. You know so that was then.
Speaker 1:And so now we hear, fast forward in his room and God was like you know, you know, basically showing me and proving to to me, I do want you. There's nothing that you can ever do that make me not want you. And he just poured on me, just poured and poured and poured on me, and just he just let me know that there wasn't anything that I could say that will deter you from loving me. And because I tried, I brought up everything you know that I can think of that felt as though that it should change his mind. But all he kept saying was but I love you anyway. And then, as I rest in his embrace, I can feel, I just can feel the warmth of his love, as I just can feel the warmth of his love, and I begin to just break, just break. And as I was breaking, he was mending. Oh my God, he was mending. He was mending my broken heart. He was mending. He was mending my broken heart. He was mending. Oh my god, it was just, he was just, and he was just mended, like his love began to mend. At the same time. It was amazing.
Speaker 1:It was something I call a acus Road experience, something similar, and I say that it's because, for those who may may not know the story of Saul, who later became Paul, who was a one that threatened the church and was against the church, and he was on his way to actually, you know, kill the church. And on his way, on Damascus Road, jesus made known to him who he was. He shone a light that blinded him and immediately after he was blinded, as Jesus met him, for three days he basically went on a fast and did not eat, he didn't drink, and I believe in that time he really was really contemplating the Jesus that met him and the so-called Jesus that he knew, because, when he was fighting against the church, he felt like he was doing the right thing that those so-called christians were blaspheming. This is what he was. So he thought he was doing the right thing as a ruler, as a scholar, and then he realized that all that was a lie. So I feel like he was at that point like, well, god, because there's no way that, um, they lying. He just came to me, you know, he came to me, and so after that we know that his ministry is like beyond no other, right Become one of the greatest apostles, and God used him mightily and so. But it's that moment where it's like there was no turning back from there. Right, because now you know the truth and I knew of him because I had a relationship throughout my life, and it's multiple times. He called my name throughout my life, as even as a child, and I can remember vividly, you know, and clearly different things that he had shown me and tell me, and I just was like no, but it was that moment, right then and there, which is like you know what, god, that's it like you're not gonna keep calling me and I'm not gonna answer. I'm here. I'm here because there's no way that you should still want me, Because I did some things throughout my life, but this period of my life.
Speaker 1:I mean I really was vindictive, like when I said I don't care because they don't care, and I took it out on you on purpose. I made sure, like if whatever you don't like me to do I'm going to do on purpose, like I spit in your face on purpose. I slapped you in your face on purpose. I mean whatever. I mean I was out in the streets just doing whatever, just because I knew it wasn't even the fact that I cared if it hurt my mother. I wanted to hurt God on purpose. I wanted to prove how much, how dirty I can get and that you would never want me. Because that's the thing I said to him God, I don't want you to want me anymore, I don't want you to want me, I don't. And I just kept saying I don't want you to want me. And so I was trying to prove to him that he's not going to ever want me and for me to do something like that.
Speaker 1:See, you know we think about other people, like we get mad at people when they do something on purpose that we don't like. Right, like they. You know you ever have someone, know someone that when they purposely like you knew I was going to get mad. You knew I don't like that, right, we feel some type of way. So if I feel some type of way, if we as human beings feel some type of way when people just do stuff on purpose to wrestle our feathers or whatever we call it, but for me, to do a purpose to God and he didn't deserve it at all, like in that time frame as I was really being mean and nasty on purpose, and he still bestowed grace and mercy, he still shielded me for so much and I didn't deserve it I would be a fool not to give him my whole life. I would be a fool to say you know, here, here go a piece of me, Like it, just don't make any sense.
Speaker 1:I have been in a one-sided relationship basically my whole life and I don't like it. It's not always fun, but why would I continue to want him to be in a one-sided relationship when he doesn't have to be? And so from there, he taught me how to not be in a one-sided relationship but be in a real relationship with him. And I never looked back ever since, never, ever. I didn't like oh, I wish I can go back. No, um, not too long ago.
Speaker 1:After that, something has happened where, um, there were some uh rumors that went around and my friend, see, this is your fault, because now you want to get your life right with God and everything else. Now look what happened. You might as well just stop right here and go back, and I was thinking like, but I don't want to go back, like I didn't want to go back, like you know, so I didn't want to go back, like you know, so I didn't want to go back. All right, I won't go back. I can't go back to the way it used to be before your presence came and changed me. Right, right, we know that song, right, thank you, william, it's just amazing. It's just amazing, he's amazing, he's awesome, uh, he's so awesome, he's, he's. Oh, my god, I can go from this world for hours, but I'm not, I'm not going to.
Speaker 1:But that is how I got here, because ever, ever since then, I've just been grateful anything, especially that I did to not take advantage of that love, and when I mean take advantage, meaning like I just want to feel his love. I didn't want to just feel it, I just want to receive his love and I want to give his love unto others, because I understood that I didn't deserve his love. And if he can bestow love on me, in spite of how much I deserve it, who am I to say that others do not deserve it? And so that's what I wanted to do and that's what I did. I just gave it. I just loved everybody. I walked around, I didn't just say I love you, but yet I showed it, because action speaks louder than words. But yet I showed it because action speaks louder than words.
Speaker 1:And you know, regardless whether people show love unto me, that was not my requirement for me to show love unto them, because I was just so happy and so grateful that he loved me and in that he taught me how to love as well, because you can't love if you don't know how to love. And we love because he first loved us right. And he also taught me how to have a relationship with him, a relationship that I always wanted to have with him, that I started to have with him and then allowed certain things to happen to, you know, with the family and the things I went through with people around me to deter me from me, from really going forth and to cultivate a relationship. But now there is nothing anyone can say that can deter me away from a relationship with God. And so what do you mean about a relationship? What are you talking about? Let me understand. Let me break this down to you.
Speaker 1:When you are in a relationship right and I'm going to use an intimate relationship there are things that you do and maybe don't do because you could you understand that it can harm your relationship, right, and that's what it is. When it comes to with God, he just don't want us to follow us Um, I mean follow him. He wants to be in relationship with him. So, like I don't tell people that I'm a Christian because Christianity because then you start thinking religion like a bunch of do's and don'ts, but it's not necessarily a bunch of do's and don'ts, it's relationship, and there's things that you won't do in that relationship because you know that it can harm the relationship. And so, um, even with the things that I have been talking about, how I've been working on myself because I wanted to be a better person in my relationship with God by the different things that I was holding on to, was not necessarily just harming the relationship with the people around me, but it really was harming my relationship with God.
Speaker 1:I couldn't allow God to be who he needs to be in our relationship because these things was in the middle, these things was in the way, and so I've said to people multiple occasions like I can, I'm not trying to persuade you to do anything or be anything or what type of Christian quote, quote that you're supposed to be, because that's between you and your God and that's between the type of relationship that you have. Maybe that's the type of relationship you like to have. You like being in one side with God, when you just come to him, when you want something from him, but you're not really going to do anything for him, like you're not. You always want him to be your genie in a bottle and that's it. Maybe that's the type of relationship you like. I don't, I don't know. Maybe you're not grateful for the times that he has bestowed grace and mercy, knowing that you don't deserve it, and maybe you feel like that he owes you that, so that's why you don't want to give him your all. I don't know.
Speaker 1:But wherever you are and wherever it is, maybe it is a time for you to reevaluate your relationship with him In every relationship that you had with your mother, your father, your sister, your brother. There are multiple times where you see yourself re-evaluating your relationship and how it should go forth, if it's a good one or a bad one, and what ways you need to adjust it. Maybe this is the time where you need to re reevaluate your relationship with God and do the adjustments accordingly. So, until the next episode, I challenge you to think about that. Where's my relationship with God? Where I am with God, am I really that grateful, or do I just say it out my mouth? Am I thankful? Um, am I thankful, and have I been paying attention to the uh, the grace and the mercy that he's bestowed upon me, even though I don't deserve it? And how am I repaying him? How am I thanking him? Am I able to thank him Really?
Speaker 1:Readjust and reevaluate your relationship with God. Maybe you don't think that he's worthy enough to have all of you. Maybe maybe you don't think that he deserves it to have all of you. Wherever it may be, wherever you may be in your life or in your relationship with him. Maybe you're not ready. Wherever you are, just take the time to reevaluate your relationship with him and just tell him be honest. Just be honest wherever you are. So, wherever you are, understand that he loves you right, and you are loved not just by a little, but greatly, not just today, but forever. Not just by some, but by the one who created you in his love. And he's not the only one. We love you unconditionally and there's nothing, nothing you can do, that can change that, because love never fails. And until the next episode, I'll see you later. Bye, you are the potter, so I will be clay, be clay.