Be Clay
" You are the Potter, I am the Clay! " Like me, you may have heard this phrase multiple times and even said it yourself. Whether you are in the church or not, this has become a popular phrase; that eventually in some cases became a cliché. However, has it crossed your mind what it really means to say " I am the Clay"?When you hear this phrase, you may imagine the positions of a “Potter” and “Clay” in this relationship. Understanding that the “Potter” makes and molds the clay to the desired finished product. You understand that the “Potter” knows the process needed to obtain the product's intended purpose. You may even imagine a “Potter” molding clay on the Potter’s wheel into a bowl. It is only possible for the clay to become a bowl if it cooperates with the Potter. The clay has to understand that its duty is only to be molded. The “Potter's” purpose will never come to fruition if the “clay” is non-cooperative.
Here on the “Be Clay” podcast, we will talk about how to accept and endure the duty of clay, as we allow the Potter to perform the same. We will explore the positions of “The Potter” and “The Clay” and the dynamics of each role. In the past years, I have learned and am still learning the roles of “The Potter” and “The Clay”. I have come to the realization that I was not fulfilling the role of “The Clay”. Instead of allowing “ The Potter” to mold me, I was fighting back and trying to mold myself. You can imagine what a mess I made! If you can relate, know you are not alone. “You are the Potter, and I am the Clay” will not be just something you say, but you will learn and understand your role and “ Be Clay”
Be Clay
Navigating Faith and Family Challenges
Imagine being shaped and molded through life's trials, much like a piece of clay in the hands of a divine potter. In this episode of the Be Clay podcast, we journey through what it truly means to embrace life's highs and lows, using the metaphor of being clay shaped by God. Reflecting on personal experiences and the inspirational process of Olympic athletes, we discuss the importance of transparency and celebrating both struggles and triumphs. Join us as we honor students on their new paths and encourage everyone to witness and appreciate the entire journey, not just the final victory.
Early childhood is a critical period that lays the foundation for future growth and development. I delve into the profound impact of nutrition and environment during a child's first five years, including how a parent's diet and stress levels can shape their child's brain. Drawing parallels between natural and spiritual growth, I share my experiences from childhood. Being deeply rooted in spiritual practices, it demonstrates the lasting influence of consistent prayer and church involvement. This chapter offers invaluable insights into how early experiences shape our overall development and spiritual journey.
Finally, we tackle the complex relationships with faith and family that many of us wrestle with. From the emotional turmoil of parental conflicts to the misrepresentation of faith by church members, we provide a raw and honest look at how these challenges impact mental health and spiritual growth. Amidst these struggles, we highlight the enduring power of unconditional love of Christ. This episode serves as a powerful reminder that, no matter how tough the times, love remains a steadfast source of hope and healing.
You are Loved!
Not just a little, but greatly
Not just today, but forever
Not just by some,
But by the ONE who created you in His Love
And HE's Not The ONLY One
We Love You Unconditionally
&
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!
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Hello, hello, hello. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Be Clay. I am so grateful and thankful that you allow me to be part of your day. Today, here on the Be Clay podcast, we are learning and embracing our journey as we learning how to not resist the process of being molded and made by the potter. We're no longer just saying, god, you are the potter and I am the clay, but yet we are now saying, saying it, but actually doing it. So when he mows us, when he puts us in the kiln, when we are in the fire, when we're in the breaking point where he has to break us back down just to build us back up again, whichever part of the process that we are in, we are learning to embrace it so that we can become his desired purpose. So, whatever he desired for us to be, that is what we will become. We will not tell him what we think we should be, but allow him to do what he needs to do in us to be who he wants us to be. And so, before I begin my episode, I want to first say congratulations to all those who are embarking. Well, all students are embarking on different journeys, not just those who's going to college or who may be actually graduating high school this year, or whatever level that you may be in. I want to say congratulations, say congratulations and I am praying for success and this new year. There may be some ups and there will be some downs, but I'm praying that for success and that you embrace the whole process. Do not rush it, but enjoy the process. Enjoy the ups and enjoy the downs, because you need every part in order for you. When you get to the end, you will appreciate it even the more, and not just appreciate it, but you it'll be easy to appreciate it because he's like you know what? I enjoyed the process. It wasn't easy, but I enjoyed the process. So, with with all that being said, I do want to let you know that I am working on making sure that I have a better schedule of when exactly that I will be posting these episodes weekly, and so that it won't be just how it has been. First it was coming up weekly and then just became like two or three in one week. But we're going to be on a better schedule, especially since once school starts and things like that, it's going to be harder for me to do it the way I've been doing it now.
Speaker 1:So in the last well, I'll say the last episode, or the last month I was talking about, as we were in July, about liberation and how we can, um, you know, things that we can do to try to get to the next level, things we can let go Right, things we can let go right, and on how to examine ourselves, analyze what is it that I'm allowing to hold me back, what is it that I'm allowing to keep me stagnant, stuck in the same place? What is it I'm allowing for me to go around doing donuts, or be that hamster on that wheel, just running and running on a wheel and not going anywhere. What is it? And so that's what, what we talked about last month and for this month, I think, I want to talk about our journey to where we are. Um, basically, this, this, this came to my mind when, as I was trying to watch, like hurry up and watch all the trials before the opening ceremony of the Olympics on July 26, so I forgot about the trials when they came first, came over there at the end of June, and so I was trying to pay catch-up now.
Speaker 1:Of course, by the time I started to really watching the trials. All I really had to do was go on social media or just Google it right who made the Olympic team in each sport? However, I knew that's too easy, like I wanted to see who made it and how they made it Right. I wanted to see the process that it took to get to the American team Right Did. Was there two heats Whereas there are five heats? How many of how many people were competing? Were you one out of 10 or were you two out of 40? Whatever the case may be, I wanted to see the journey of from the trial. You know what you had to endure for the trials and how did you get to the Olympic team. And when I thought about that, I began to think about my life and how.
Speaker 1:There was a time where God was telling me Elisa, there's that people need to see your journey of how you get here. I just wanted to get. I knew I was going to get through, eventually, the season of my life and I don't have no problem of telling people my journey. But there was a time where God would say, dale, I don't want you to just tell them. I need them to see the journey. I need them to see the good, the bad and definitely the ugly.
Speaker 1:Now, this time, when it was at that time, uh, more ugly than good and and just a bad. I didn't want no one to see that. I began to hide myself, you know, not be around but so much people. You know, if I could, when I was in church I was sitting in the back. You know different things, and this was going on for a very long time and you know, because I didn't want people to see the ugly, I'd rather just go through the ugly in hiding and then come out like hey, and then I could tell you about it, but I didn't want people to see it.
Speaker 1:But just like I really wanted to see the good and bad ugly of others to help me, you know, in a different things that I have to go through, even where, you know, watching some of the like the javelin, and how I wanted to be on the Olympics, to be on the Olympics. But you know something that my dad said as a child that made me the discovery from actually going for it made me wish that I actually still push for it. Maybe not push for it because at the time I wanted to be a gymnast like Dominique Dawes, but maybe not necessarily go by. You know for that, but I could have pushed for trying to get there with doing a javelin, you know really, uh, perfected it, perfected that and to go on for for that. So, even looking at seeing those who say, this is what I wanted to do and they did everything that they needed to do.
Speaker 1:Some people have to move to different countries and some people moved to different states, left their family behind. You know, for that moment, for that moment, to be on the Olympic team, which was a dream come true, and so the endurance of what you have to go, the resilience that you have to have to to make it now, and this is not, uh, the Olympic games, but it's, this is life, and in life you need resilience to continue to make it regardless, to continue to push regardless, and we don't always need to do it by ourselves and not wanting everyone to see the ugly, because the ugly that we have can help someone else to get through. My ugly and what she was telling me, your ugly, is what people they need to see to help them to get through, to really show who God is Right, really, because they were like Ooh, wasn't she like, oh, she looked at a mess then, but now she looked like this what happened? God happened, right and so. But then it's not just me telling you, but now you say I saw you here and it was, it looked great. Now, see you here, so I can see God. Right, not just hearing God, but I actually see God.
Speaker 1:And so in this month I would like to, you know, repaint the picture for a lot of people that are listening to this, actually was here and saw, but the different areas of my life. And but for those who not, I will repaint the picture of the good, the bad, the ugly, of how I got here, how we get here, how he's been, how he shaped me from the beginning of my life to now. And so I am going to have different I want to say parts, but I guess, additions or different things that I'm going to be talking about. I first will start off with my faith and then I want to do, within the next episode, it's going to be about the church. I really want to do about church because that is, I don't even know what the words even really describe.
Speaker 1:Uh, when it comes to the church, um, going to church period, like since the pandemic, just about everybody's church is online and so a lot of people's like, well, I don't need to go inside. When it's online, um, and with all the stuff that's going on inside of the quote, quote, church, right, people don't even want to go at all and to say, to be honest with you, I really do not be honest with you, I really do not, I don't blame you, I really do not, I really do not blame you. If I didn't know God for myself, I wouldn't go to church either. Um, every church, um, that I let me see one, two, I think it's been out of my 37 years of life I've been to five, so, um, out of my 37 years of life, I've been to five, so, um, and everyone that I, every church that I I have endorsed from church hurt. But every church that I actually left wasn't because of the hurt, it was because God said at least it's time to go, and so we will talk about that in the next episode and I will tell you, you know, cause people ask me these questions and when it comes to church, about you know, or the, and they are nervous, like they want what I have, but they don't know how to get to it and they don't, and it's hard for them to try to trust another church, and so we will definitely get into that and I will explain my journey of how I got here, even when in the church, and so, um, but yes, I want us to be in tune throughout this month because of I'm excited for this, I am I'm excited for for repainting this picture, as I say. So let's start from the beginning my faith.
Speaker 1:So it is said that the first five years of your life, overall, it is encouraged for you as a parent, as a mother, to pay attention to what you eat, especially in their first year, if you're breastfeeding, um, and it's imperative to pay attention to the environment of that child in their first five years. That it was not a lot of stress, as much as you can handle, things happen. But all these things that can really I won't say it can either help or do or damage within the development of the child, because the way that the brain develops in those first few years of life, and so you know, we are encouraged to especially remember the WIC, right? Wic, for those who remember, was on WIC, right? Wic was something that they really push, especially because they understood, is very crucial than what you eat. That can help with having a. They can help in development, right.
Speaker 1:So the nutrition, nutrition, nutrition, nutrition, nutrition. Your diet is a very important part of your development and so. But your diet did not start off as soon as you was born. Like my diet did not start on October 22nd 1986, however, my diet started while I was in my mother's womb. They tell you, even as you are in the womb, that the mother can talk to you, should talk to you, the father should talk to you, you should read books to the child, even while they're inside. As soon as the mother has become or understands they are with child, they begin to take very, very good care of yourself, as much as you can, with enough sleep and and even your diet right, which is why a wig was something that you can get, not just when the baby is born. However, soon as you realize you're pregnant and for those who are breastfeeding, the mother still can't be on it because whatever the baby you do, whatever the mother eats, that's what the baby eats.
Speaker 1:And so, with that in the natural soul wasn't the spiritual my mother did, but yet while I was in her room, she read the Bible to me. There was, she was saying, and everything, and so, therefore, the word was embedded in me even before I came on this earth. And so once I came on this earth, just like in the natural, you begin to understand and learn and recognize. Okay, so that's what I was hearing they tell you. That's why they tell you that you write the talk too, because then you'd be able to recognize oh, that's my mom, that's my dad, that's this person, that's that person, because you overheard them while you were in the womb, and so with that it was the same thing.
Speaker 1:And then, in a spiritual that I was able to understand certain things you know because I'll overhear in the womb, and I guess it was something that I don't know. Um, it's funny, because in the natural, we hear this, we hear this in their studies, and we, about this thing, like if you talk and read in the womb, that when they come out, they're able to recognize, to begin to recognize the voice and everything else when it comes to, and then you, you know what's in the natural, but it seems like when, as soon as it comes to god, now, we all say there's no way that you can understand god as a child? I don't know, but that seemed like that's what was the argument. If I could do it in the natural, why couldn't I not understand it in the spiritual? I'm not understanding that, that. Why we believe that, like we can believe so much things when it comes to natural because of the studies, but when it comes to god now, we ought to say there's no way that this can ever happen, or this and any other. I'm sorry, that was just food for thought. That just came to my mind just now, like when you really think about the things you believe in the natural, but as soon as it comes to God, once you come over here, oh, there's no way that you could ever. You know, you too young to know. But was I too young to know my dad's voice? Or was I too young to know my mother's voice when I came out? Anyway, with all that being said, but it did my mother, like I said, my mother and my father. Ok, because it wasn't just my mother, my father as well. You know, we were in church, but we weren't just in church, right, like my mother and my father both had roles in the church and my father both had roles in the church, um, and you know my grandmother cause, the first five years of my life we live well, I'm gonna say the majority of the first few years of my life we lived in a duplex with my grandmother, and so she lived downstairs and we lived upstairs, downstairs and we lived upstairs, and so, you know, I did learn, because I would say I did learn because there was people who just go to church and that's it. But that wasn't my home, that wasn't my house, it was evident in my house.
Speaker 1:My grandmother was a prayer warrior. She prayed. Mother was a prayer warrior. She prayed all the time, just about, and her and her sister used to pray over and over again and it's like they would go to each other's houses and pray, and I used to love hearing them pray. Um, so I was, so I'll be being young and loving to hear, loving to hear my grandmother pray.
Speaker 1:Most times I would try to be with her when she prayed, and there was one time that when they was praying, I wasn't able to go downstairs, but I went into my spot. I wasn't able to go downstairs, but I went into my spot, I went into my spot and that in my room, where I can overhear the prayer. And so I was just sitting there and I was just playing with my toys but listening, and then I was, for some reason I was able to see what they was praying about. So I began to pray, basically saying whatever they were saying, because now I was able to see what they was praying about.
Speaker 1:So later on, after some time, I went to my grandmother and I said, Grandma, you know, winona, what happened to such and such, is everything okay? And she said wait, what Did someone tell you? I said, no, when he was praying, you know this. And I explained to her everything that has happened. And so she grabbed me right away. At first she just, you know, tears just run down her face, and she was praising God at first, and then it shifted and she began to wail and said oh, the baby, the baby, lord, please, please, please help the baby, the baby, the baby. And as she and as she was crying and wailing, she just began to hold me tighter and tighter and tighter and I thought that I was just going to die. Again, I was very small because I was able to just fit in her whole embrace, like my whole body was in her whole embrace.
Speaker 1:But I just remember that, that this one memory that I have outside of others, but this one and one of the main memories that I have, memories that I have that to me, I feel like, was a a shift in the way that I began to understand that I have something different, or that I basically that I was different. And and so my grandmother began to pour into me even the more like she was already poured into me no more than my mother and my father was but she began to pour even the more into me until the day that she died, well, really the day before, yeah, to the day she died, um, she got sick, um, very sick, before she actually died. So the way that she poured in became limited because she was sick was heartbreaking, because, for me, my grandmother was the only one that really truly understood me. It wasn't easy seeing and knowing things that I seen and heard and know, seen and heard and know, but she was. But it was okay, because all I had to do was tell my grandmother and she will make it all right. She would tell me what to say, she would tell me the prayers to pray, she would explain the things that I needed to be explained, that I needed to be explained and I didn't feel like I was crazy because I had my grandmother, because I had my grandmother.
Speaker 1:So, but again, the first five years of a child's life is very crucial to the over all trajectory of your life. Right, it's very crucial. Not saying that things cannot happen if things can be adjusted as time goes on, but, though, but the way that your brain develops, so the way that your brain develops and the way my spiritual brain, if you want to call it, develops, was because of that first five years of my life where God was evident. He was evident in my home, like you know he was. It was very evident. My dad, you know, he was in church and everything. Those first five years it was. I want to say it was great because there were some things that have happened within that first five years. Even with the relationship that my dad even had with God himself, there was a shift that's happened that my dad even had with God himself. This was a shift that's happened. However, it became easier to be able to navigate those shifts while my grandmother was here.
Speaker 1:So, right, those first five years, and so most children that was raised in church I don't want to say most, but I'll just say a lot of children that were raised in church I don't want to say most, but I'll just say a lot of children that were raised in church sometimes did not like being raised in a church. They did not necessarily like having to be in church, especially when we was growing up going to church. Right, because when we were growing up going to church, we was in there from sunup to sundown every single day with all the different things that was happening, like we used to have sunrise service, which is why we was there from sunup. And then, you know, you got the YPWW, you got every WW, you got everything that was happening. So you was always in church, um, and you a lot of times. You know we were there cause, you know, not a lot of times, but of course we were there because it was made to be there. There was no if answer but survive about you not going to church.
Speaker 1:But in the beginnings, especially in these first five years, I, you know, I loved going to church and I think I'm not going to say I never. For the most part, majority of my childhood life, I loved going to church. It wasn't a big thing, um, I wasn't a what would you say? I wouldn't consider as a pastor's kids because my parents were not pastors. However, they did have rules in the church, um, so, while going to church and learning about god and coming home and learning about god, I also learned about the difference between his presence and the opposite, and I understood, for where you know where I was, I understood the difference, like what happens in his presence, what happens outside of his presence, what can happen, like you know, and everything.
Speaker 1:I understood those things. Just basic observation that you would anyway, right. So, even with this music you know church music, you know some of the music that you know when you listen to music, you feel happy and you listen to other music, you feel sad. Just basic observation, nothing real real deep. Some was more deep, but not, for I'm just saying, nothing real deep. So, with all of that, um, his presence was something I like, I, I, I did love to be in his presence in spite of, because one thing that has happened as growing up was God has been misrepresented, um, around that time there has been some things. I don't know. I'm not going to get into all of it in this episode, but basically he's been misrepresented he.
Speaker 1:A lot of people really began to forget where they come from and how God had to really clean them up, I should say that and it became more about self than anything else. So not that it deterred me from church and it's like God himself per se, self per se but it did deter me from I'm not gonna say really determined from the church in itself. It's just that I knew that I had to approach it differently, especially being seen me able to see that as a child, it just wasn't always welcomed for me to speak on it, right? So I'll just say that. And, and so I was, even though I was, uh, after a while, even though I like going to church, um, I was just going to church and as far as really trying to live for God and things like that, I wasn't going to do that. I just it was more what's I'm looking for. It was, you know, accepted to just go to church, not really to, especially as a child, know, accept it to just go to church, not really to, especially as a child, not to be really trying to live holy as we, as we say, right, um, and so you know, I, I, you know I was running from God. I basically ran from him, um, for for some while.
Speaker 1:Um, my grandmother, like I said, she died when I was five, and so I think around about not too long after she died. I tried to, I was trying to still do the same thing, but she wasn't here, and it was very detrimental to me that she's not going to be here, and so I had the thought of killing myself, that there's. I can't make it here without my grandmother, and so I tried to do that. And well, I well, I didn't necessarily get to attempt to kill myself, I just was in the planning stages. And then someone found out in my school and then, you know, told the teachers, and the teachers talked to my mom, my dad, and so that wasn't it, and so for me, the best after that was just, well, we're just going to be quiet and not say anything and just try to survive in this world.
Speaker 1:I was not just silent but very distant from God. You know, he was like a distant friend. I missed my relationship, like a distinct friend. I missed my relationship Cause my girl, cece, right, she can, she can really attest like witness, testify this and witness this, because she was my best friend since sixth grade, right. And so I still was doing whatever I want to do, but I I still be like, oh, but if I date somebody, they gotta go be in church, they gotta love God. But do you really love God? Right? Cause he said, if you love me, keep my commandments. And what commandments are you keeping? Nothing, right. But that was the type of person that I was doing, like I still was doing whatever I want to do. Uh, you know, was doing whatever I wanted to do. Uh, you know, I mean, and my life was speaking, nothing like my life was speaking. Going to church, okay, that's what I did. I went to church.
Speaker 1:Then I was, you know, the more I was doing, the more distant I was from God. I said, well, I'm too far now, so what's the point? So, um, you know, at that moment I just ran away from him because, um, not that I didn't want him, not that I didn't like him, not that I didn't love God, but because, um, I was told by the people that I was too young to want to be, really be sold out, want to be with God like that or that, in tune to him, that I should wait till I was an adult. So that's what I was doing. I was running, I was running, I was running, I was running, running, running, running, doing whatever I wanted to do. There was times, you know, after a while, sometimes I would come back to him real times, you know, after a while. Um, sometimes I would come back to him real quick, you know, when I heard something or got scared in the service and they was talking about hell and I got scared. Then I'm like, okay, god, I'm not going to do nothing else again, I'm not going to whatever. But eventually I went back, uh, did what I wanted to do, especially with a lot of stuff that kept going on in my house. You know, I ran even the more.
Speaker 1:So I felt alone in a lot of cases because I didn't think that it just didn't. I didn't feel like there was someone that really really can help me to the extent of my grandmother. So I just kept most a lot of these stuff to myself. I don't blame my parents and none of them. I think in order for you to really see me, you actually had to put on your spiritual eyes and, like, really throw away the natural eyes to see what was going on. Um, and that was hard because that wasn't really taught in church then.
Speaker 1:So, so, with all that, right fast forward. What happened? How did I really get to this point, um, where now I don't look back. So I was going to high school. I went to high school, uh, I went to PEDDUB okay, plymouth, whitewash.
Speaker 1:Uh, during this time I was living with my father and when I at the around the, when I was living with my father, it wasn't that bad. You know, I really did like actually living with my dad, uh, felt like at this point, um, we can really, I don't know like I didn't hate my dad. There was a lot of things I just liked, but I didn't. I didn't get to the part where I actually started hating my father yet. So, when I started living with him, it was good because that communication that he really emphasized for, you know, our relationship or a relationship period, we really was working on it. We could pretty much almost talk about everything.
Speaker 1:But, however, at the end of the first half of ninth grade, right, yeah, so, so like, right, well, after coming back from winter break, my mother was telling. My mother was telling me that I could not stay at my dad's house anymore, that I had to live, come back to live with her, and that brung a lot of issues, um, because you know, my dad did not agree and so there was a lot of back and forth, but it was a lot of back and forth that I was in the middle of and I'm not sure if they really paid attention of the effects that I had, of the back and forth. Um, I'm not really going to get into, you know, like who fought it was basically, but it was a lot of back and forth. Um, the way that things were said, um the tell your dad this, and then from my mother and my dad tell your mom this, and um, the whole situation just really put me in a bad place. I became very depressed because it escalated to, like, it just escalated so bad and I was already getting a lot of resistance from my sister because I was living there with my mother and with my dad, and so it just helped out more, and so it just helped out more.
Speaker 1:Eventually my dad was almost thinking about um taking full custody of me because my mom wouldn't budge for me to not live with my dad. I personally, I wanted to just live. I just wanted to keep it the way it was, even live with my dad, or even if it was um, one month I stayed with my dad and then, and then I stayed with my mom, you know, um, and I was already still going in there for the most part over the weekends. So you know, but that was not an option. So you know, but that was not an option. And so, with all that being said, it just caused yes, I was very depressed because it was a lot.
Speaker 1:Okay, it was, it was a lot. The fight back and forth was a lot. The things that I was hearing my dad say it was a lot, things family members on my dad's side was saying was a lot. It was just a lot of stuff that was going to happen. And I was already going through a whole lot of stuff already. And, um, but you know, and no one, you know, I felt like no one was hearing me, like I was screaming, like you know, but no sound was coming out, or I was screaming so loud but people just couldn't hear me, but no sound was coming out, or I was screaming so loud but people just couldn't hear me.
Speaker 1:And so my grades went down. Now I am a basic straight A student, for the most part I get good grades. We don't play those games, but it wasn't working. And so when my grades started to go down, my dad, um, I guess he called him, he, he called himself, I don't know how, what was he? He, you know he was reprimanding me for my grades, but he did not understand it and I know, even at the and couldn't pay. He just couldn't see or didn't register that the approach that he was, the approach that he had made, was making everything worse. So, like everything worse.
Speaker 1:Because when he came to me about my grades and was like you know, hey, like we'll say all right, so the way grades went right, you have a progress report, which is where you are like in half of the whatever marking period, and then you, but you still have time to fix it right, and then you have the, you know, then you get your final grades of the market period and stuff right. So when you see the, the progress report, and realize like, oh, this, this is bad, like why you got these grades, you know he would basically like tune me out, and it was saying stuff like you know, this is gonna be a permanent record. You're not gonna be able to, you know, get a good job, and there's no reason why you should be feeling like this, like I had. You know he'll compare with himself, like I did, but I had a lot more stuff going on. You have nothing going on, so there's no reason why your grades is like this. And so at first.
Speaker 1:Now, first of all, I'm already feeling I'm just already detrimental to me that my grades like this, because this is not me right. So I'm already. I already beat myself up. But for me to beat myself up and for me to feel like he's beating me up at the same time, it just made worse. So, whatever I tried to do to like, bring up my grades, it just didn't work, and so you know it. Just so it got worse for the rest of the ninth grade, because this has continued to happen and it became more and more with each market period that was coming, and so I became more and more depressed, I became more and more oppressed. It was just real bad and reality. All I wanted my dad was to say why, like, why is this happening? Cause I would have told him, but that's not what was coming out of his mouth. What was coming out of his mouth was like you're not going to make, you're not going to be nothing, all these things like that. So at the end of the ninth grade I almost failed my English, but my English teacher knew what type of student I was and knew that I didn't deserve to fail. So she just gave me a second chance and allowed me to make up the work that I needed to make up and pass the class with a D.
Speaker 1:Now, by this time I was, it was almost you know, almost summertime and I really did not like the way that the school year ended. It still was a big thing between my mom and dad, where I was leaving living. It still was a lot. It was just a lot of stuff that still was going on that to me, I felt like the adults wasn't, I don't know it's handling correctly to to a degree, um, and not like it's like this is what I want and we're not gonna care how it's really affecting you and um, and then, like my sister was up here, blame me for a bunch of stuff. So, basically, and then I always are, and then it's already main things that I was going to dealing with as a within a child, um, anyway.
Speaker 1:So, regardless of that, um, I, what made me like like a switch went off was, um, my father, because I felt like my dad didn't care. I did, I felt like my dad didn't care. I actually felt my mom didn't care either, but, um, wow, I did feel like that, but I felt like both of them didn't care. I'm not trying to put y'all into place, but I'm just. This is true, but I did feel like both of y'all didn't care, and I think it did really meant more for my mother, because, you know, she had a relationship with God. I'm not saying my father did not, but at this time my mom was really still going to the church and it's just like, is anyone actually really asking him what is better? Because this is not better for me.
Speaker 1:And so, when I got the D, me and my dad had a conversation after the fact, and right before I was leaving for the summer, my dad told me that I should have failed, wasn't that? No, they never stuff great, but the way that things went and the way that you know, the shift happened. Even that was a shift in our relationship. Like I said, I feel like they didn't care and at that moment I didn't care, like I just it. Just, I went to a place like, well, if they don't care, I don't care if he, if my dad don't care, then I don't care, because he never asked me why and he never asked me. You know, this is like really understand. This is not true. So what happened? And so, since he don't care, I don't care.
Speaker 1:And then I so, but now, instead of doing things to really, um, you know, get back at my parents per se, I decided that I'm gonna get back at God. Right, because you know, I don't know God. You know, at the same time, god was still trying to there, he was helping me, he was still trying to talk. You know, at the same time, god was still trying to there, he was helping me, he was still trying to talk. You know, talk to me, um, trying to, you know, because I knew him and I knew of him and we had a relationship as a kid. But I ran away. He became a distant friend because, you know, um, I was running away from him and you, you know, but he still was there calling me through many times throughout my childhood. You know, um, he got me out of some trouble and things like that.
Speaker 1:Uh, that, I know, was only God, but it still was a lot for me, uh, to do, because I know that you know it was going to be, I don't know, I just knew it was going to be too, too much. And so, with all that being said, right, I, um, I decided that I didn't want my, that God, to want me ever again. I decided that, hey, you know what, god, I want to be dirty on purpose and I want to prove unto you that you do not want me. Like that was it? Like I don't want you ever to want me again. And so I started doing things that he didn't like and even though, like, right before I made a decision, he was called. Like, he called me because, at one point, because, like, I said all right.
Speaker 1:So, at one point, because, like I said all right, so, at one point, um, like right before, like right before I made the decision, where, uh, my dad just had a conversation with me and, um, you know about, like, you know again, because the, the conversation has gotten worse about, like, the scenarios that he began to use, about how I wouldn't be able to do nothing, Right, um, it got it gotten worse. And so, at one point, um, so I was trying to get it right. I was. I was like I'm trying to get it right, but the reason for me getting it right, like in my classes, wasn't for me, it was so my dad can stop saying what he was saying.
Speaker 1:And I remember I was, uh, at 30th street station because I think I caught the regional and I was gonna catch the bus from there, um, to my back to my mom's house. And I was just crying and crying because it wasn't working, like I failed another quiz and I was just like, oh, my god, god, like my dad's gonna kill me, he's gonna say this, he's gonna say that I'm never gonna be with this, I'm never gonna be with that. And I was just crying and God was telling me like, elisa, it's not to work. If you're trying to do it for him, it wouldn't. It's not. You have to do it for yourself and I can help you. And I was just like but it's not going to work for myself.
Speaker 1:You know what I did and I just started thinking of all these things like the enemy, because, of course, the enemy was basically, you know it was the enemy in me. You know he was like yeah, cause you're not enough. Look what you, you know this and that, and just edging on everything that, and I already have insecurities, anxieties and all those different things already Um, for many reasons. So, um, all these things were just happening and so, but he was right there in the midst of it, um, and still trying to like Lisa, like, just just just listen, I just need you to come to me, I just need you to allow me to help you, and I was like I can't let you help me, like I need my grandmother here and allow you know, in order for me to like I just need my grandmother, because now I'm older and it's a lot more things that I have seen and everything else, and so I can't do this without her, and I barely was doing it with her when I was younger, um, so how can I definitely do without her?
Speaker 1:And when I we tried that, remember, it wasn't working.
Speaker 1:That's why I wanted to kill myself. So you know, but he was so that I think that's to kill myself. So you know, but he was so I think that's the reason why I was like no, I don't want you to want me, because he was kept calling me. At least say come on, I got you, I can help you, I can, you know, trying to console me, especially with everything that was going on and how you know. But I was just like, no, I can't. I don't know if I can, I really need my grandmother. I am going to stop right there, and part two is on its way to an end for part two, and remember that you are loved. You're not just a little, but greatly, not just today, but forever, not just by some, but by the one who created you in his love. And guess what, he's not the only one. We love you unconditionally and there's nothing that you can do to change that. Why? Because love never fails. Thank you, see you on the next one, until the next episode.