Be Clay
" You are the Potter, I am the Clay! " Like me, you may have heard this phrase multiple times and even said it yourself. Whether you are in the church or not, this has become a popular phrase; that eventually in some cases became a cliché. However, has it crossed your mind what it really means to say " I am the Clay"?When you hear this phrase, you may imagine the positions of a “Potter” and “Clay” in this relationship. Understanding that the “Potter” makes and molds the clay to the desired finished product. You understand that the “Potter” knows the process needed to obtain the product's intended purpose. You may even imagine a “Potter” molding clay on the Potter’s wheel into a bowl. It is only possible for the clay to become a bowl if it cooperates with the Potter. The clay has to understand that its duty is only to be molded. The “Potter's” purpose will never come to fruition if the “clay” is non-cooperative.
Here on the “Be Clay” podcast, we will talk about how to accept and endure the duty of clay, as we allow the Potter to perform the same. We will explore the positions of “The Potter” and “The Clay” and the dynamics of each role. In the past years, I have learned and am still learning the roles of “The Potter” and “The Clay”. I have come to the realization that I was not fulfilling the role of “The Clay”. Instead of allowing “ The Potter” to mold me, I was fighting back and trying to mold myself. You can imagine what a mess I made! If you can relate, know you are not alone. “You are the Potter, and I am the Clay” will not be just something you say, but you will learn and understand your role and “ Be Clay”
Be Clay
Cutting Away Burdens for a Fresh Start
What happens when an unexpected conversation transforms your perspective on life? Picture this: a chance encounter with Dolly, a store owner on Germantown Avenue, became a therapeutic session that redefined what meaningful exchanges can be. Join me, Alisa, as I share this heartfelt story and discuss how being open to spontaneity can teach us invaluable lessons about intimidation and independence.
Have you ever doubted your purpose in life? I certainly have, and a deeply personal conversation brought those insecurities to the forefront.
Listen as we explore parallels with Moses' biblical journey, highlighting how self-doubt and perceived inadequacies don't deter divine investment in our potential. This episode captures the essence of our shared struggles and triumphs, culminating in a touching moment of gratitude from the store owner that reaffirmed the significance of our personal growth journeys.
Are you ready to embrace the "big chop" of personal transformation? In this episode, I liken the arduous process of self-improvement to cutting away past burdens for a fresh start. From addressing the "ugly parts" of ourselves to finding strength in solitude, we navigate the messiness of change and the importance of developing new habits. As we conclude, I express my heartfelt gratitude for your support and emphasize the power of unconditional love and connection. Tune in and let's learn to just be clay together.
You are Loved!
Not just a little, but greatly
Not just today, but forever
Not just by some,
But by the ONE who created you in His Love
And HE's Not The ONLY One
We Love You Unconditionally
&
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!
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And they started like I wasn't going to tell you, I was just saying I had to learn. But they was grabbing chairs and I was like uh-uh, tell me now. And I was just like uh, I'm not. I felt like I was like I'm in a village, you know, and a wise woman coming, but they was literally I'm telling you they. Literally, they was like I need to find, give me a store, give me that, I need to hear this. And they just sat there like this and like what did you do? I need to know.
Speaker 1:And I can see the intimidation of me being an independent. He asked me one time I need you to like, you know, calm down a little bit or be more feminine, is the way he said it. And I'm looking at myself like I don't even know what. I didn't want to have girls because I didn't want any Woo. One more hit of no, I'm sorry, no, I'm sorry. Like I was just gonna say that, wait, you were crying yes, yeah, because I'm gonna need this, you're gonna need this. Yeah, I didn't want to have girls. Yeah, they was what I was having between girls when I was like Hello, hello and welcome.
Speaker 1:Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Be Clay. I am your host, alisa aka Lili, aka Tigger, aka Elise whatever you know me by, that's who I am. It's your girl. Thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your day today. I do not take it lightly that you are listening. I appreciate it and I appreciate you.
Speaker 1:Here on the be clay podcast, we are learning how to just be clay, and I made every process, in every part of it, to learn how to be just clay, and I'm going to really talk about that today because, um, this summer, I am really learning some, some parts of it, that like of you know, just being clay. Um, I'm learning, I'm definitely learning, and we're gonna get into that. Before we get into all of that, though, um, so I have been listening to my own podcast, like outside of just you know, before editing or things like that, um, but, um, like actually through, I think, spotify, because it came on after some other podcasts that I was listening to in my car, and so I but I really listened to the last episode and I was like, oh, at least you all over the place, so I really really do apologize for that. Um, I think my emotions I know for sure. My emotions was like all over the place, um, that day, um, and I think I, I just I did it enough and then listen and go, but I was like, wow, you all over the place. But um, yeah, so, yeah, so yeah. I apologize for that, but one thing that I hope that you were able to get out of that episode, which is the episode about, was really learning how to just flow Right, to just flow and do what he has called you to do.
Speaker 1:In the episode I was talking about how I went to a store around here on Germantown Avenue and the conversation that they had with the store owner. There's actually a snippet of our conversation in the beginning of this episode and so that is something I'm really uh, she, her name is dolly um the store owner, as she expressed upon how I really helped her out on that day, she really there were some things she was dealing with and I basically like it was just God sent, but it was a lot of things that well, I say vice versa, it's not always where, because it's not. I don't always have the opportunity where I can, you know, because some seem like I'm always by myself. I can start off in a conversation, just a random conversation, nothing real big, and then it evolves to a therapy session. And I don't do it on purpose, I really don't, and I keep saying it because I really don't. I don't do it on purpose, I really don't, and I keep saying that because I really don't. You don't really understand the conversations I be actually having within myself, as the conversations is evolving, but it is what it is and I guess I have to really learn to embrace it, which is a hard thing to do. And but she says something, so so I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:So at the end of our conversation, as we was, as I was about to leave, my phone was about to die and, uh, my daughter was answering, ready to go home, expanded upon like, hey, you know what she can see, um, in the future per se, as far as like, you know what you have it and how it can really help and aid, not just for women but for businesses and things like that, and that she was telling me how her day was going and how she felt and the different things that she was dealing with have basically been made a little bit easier based upon our conversation.
Speaker 1:Like our conversation really helped her out as she moved for the day, even as for her in her own business, and as she was speaking and talking, and everything that she was saying, what she didn't know was was everything that I was battling within myself about myself, and so it, you know, I have expressed on here with my previous episodes, especially in the last, you know, the most recent one, about the back and forth that I go through when it comes to how I really look at myself and, like, I understand and I know that there is something in me and I know that it needs to be shared with the world, not just because, like I'm trying to be my name in lights and be this famous person and I want fame, because I really do not want fame, but I know that God see, he invested a lot in me, and I know because every time I try to give up and I throw in that towel, he throw right back at me because he invested so much in me and he just continued to do what he needs to do to get his return on investment and so, but I constantly look at myself as not like I look at you know, just, it's like I'm. You know, I'm in that space like I'm Moses, right when he came to Moses and he said, moses, this is what I want you to do, I want you to go, lead my people. And Moses was like I don't know about all that because I barely can speak, like who won't listen to me, like I don't, you know. He probably felt like nobody listened to me at home. You know me so. So if people don't listen to me at home, what king is going to listen to me? What pharaoh is going to listen to me? Right, but not really understanding that god knows more than we know our insecurities, inadequacies, um, our weaknesses, what we may call our disabilities. Right, he knows these more than we know, but yet he still calls us and so, yeah, he still calls me, right?
Speaker 1:So this week has been like I really have been in such deep thought throughout this whole week, based upon of our conversation, how the day was going, everything about that day, and how God is just amazing because she, and God is just amazing because he knows what you need. And so after, but at the end of the day, so after, but at the end of the day, I texted her and let her know that you know that her phone number was locked in, and she responded to me back and said thank you for doing the work needed on self so you can help others. You are amazing. I appreciate you, and when I read that text, I literally had tears run down my face immediately, because I this, this journey of really working on myself, has been some type of journey. It's been a journey, that it's been a journey, that it's just been a journey.
Speaker 1:Most of you who know me right has been watching me and through this journey on myself, because I'm constantly talking about it, even the more so, because I'm constantly talking about it even the more so, and I have made up in my mind that this is something I was going to do. So let's talk about it. Right, and this is what I was saying earlier about I'm really learning, even the more so about being clay, because one thing that I'm really learning is the ugly parts of clay. Right, we know that once clay has been made into some type of a masterpiece, we love the finished work. It's beautiful, it's polished, it's I mean, it's magnificent. But there's different processes that the clay had went to, went through in order to get to that master master. You know that masterpiece, right, that can, that is good enough to be displayed or utilized right. So, but there's some ugly parts. Now I am dealing with myself where, allowing people to see the ugly parts, because I know there's other parts.
Speaker 1:We said the good, the bad and the ugly. And there's ugly parts where the clay just don't look crazy. It's all lumpy, right, because it takes time. Now, again, I haven't necessarily done it myself, but there's just some things that I know from others. Like I said, my children has done it and what I have seen. But you know, there's a time when sometimes it's real lumpy and you have to learn how to smooth it out and all those things. But that's, that's don't look nice. Being lumpy is not pretty right, um, it's, it's, it's horrible, it looks a mess. And the process and I have heard multiple, um, multiple ways of how, experiences of people where they had to try to smooth out some of these edges and different things and they used different tools to scrape and everything else to make it to what it needs to be and then this summer I'm feeling every scrape and it doesn't feel great. I'm feeling the pressure of being molded. It doesn't feel great and it feels like I think I've been put into the kiln because the fire is hot and that does not feel great, but I'm learning to accept it. Right, and it is a process, and so working on myself is a journey that I have been on for a while, that I have been on for a while. So last year, last year, uh, was I made a decision? Last year is when I made a decision.
Speaker 1:First of all, at the end of 2022, I basically had a major breakdown. I did um at the December in 2022. I did, and I made up in my mind, right before the new year's day actually it was, you know, like the 31st um, the 31st. All day I kept saying, all right, we're gonna be free in 2023. That's what I kept saying. We're going to get free in 2023.
Speaker 1:And it was a time where I said I can't do this anymore. And I made up my mind no matter what it takes, we're going to get this stuff. We're going to get myself together me. It ain't about my kids, it's not about my husband, it's not about my mom, my dad, nobody. It's about me, my kids, it's not about my husband, it's not about my mom, my dad, nobody, it's about me.
Speaker 1:And so I began the process. Well, actually, god started it. So let's see, in the middle of December, um is when I had it for like a week, I was just on the floor every day. It was bad, and then I, um, it was bad and then I um, towards the end, when we was getting, you know, like Christmas came and I knew that we were. You know, I only have a week before the new year and I was all right, I need to do it because I want to start right away. And so I guess I was in that, um, that stage of preparing stage to get to do whatever I have to do, and you might as well say that I basically prepared myself for the big chop.
Speaker 1:Now, technically, I never did a big chop. Well, no, I never actually made in my mind to chop it, like do the big chop. However, my hair had didn't big chop. Natural, a lot of my hair just fell out. But and I wanted you guys, because I like, actually like that, and it just came out of nowhere using the big chop. But I want to use that as a thing because, um, that analogy like how you're using your life with the big chop, right.
Speaker 1:So, because when you, when it comes to the big chop, most times you do a big chop, it's because you look at your hair and there's, through a series of events, something happened and now you have to cut your hair. But you know sometimes and depending on what happened to your hair whether it was heat damage, whether it was, you know, wasn't growing evenly or whatever the case may be, whatever it is different things in here, different textures, you know. Whatever the reasons you come to the realization like we can't do this anymore and you make a decision of, as you're preparing, when you finally decide to do the big chop, because sometimes you do a big chop, because sometimes you do a big chop but you do it gradually. There's times where you know you don't want to just cut the whole thing off until you get like a fade or something like that, but you might want to cut enough off gradually with the chop right. And so I guess in that, in this phase, as I was learning, like what I want to do, and I think I really was God, we got to do this big job, because we just got to cut things off, because I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 1:Everything that I have been going through, it's not something like within that was present, but it was all stuff from my past, from my parents both sides of the family that and I was struggling and it was hard, and a lot of it is because I was trying to really do it by myself. I really didn't let people know exactly what was going on internally, because I don't know how to really be helped. I don't know how to really ask for help, because I'm always the one helping. But doctors need doctors too. Right, doctors need doctors too, and I think, even though they say that doctors are the worst patients, they still need doctors as well. You can't necessarily always really operate on yourself, and so I have to learn that doctors need doctors too, and so it's hard for me to do that.
Speaker 1:And so January 1st comes and I'm like all right, no, first thing, I was watching, like I was in church, and I'm like God, you got to do it. I'm expecting that by the time I leave this church building, that I'm not going to be the same and I'm going to get ready. And I wasn't. God did do it, um he, he started the process and you know um the way that the service went, and then, after the service, he had allowed someone to encourage me and give me a word, and that helped a lot. It did it, started it. And so I came home I'm like, all right, god, let's go.
Speaker 1:We usually on a we always, my church always does a fast in January, and so when we was on this fast, I'm like God, I'm taking it up, like because I need you, like never before, right, like you got to do it. And so, um, I think you know, when it was like three days, I was like no, I ain't coming back on three days, we're gonna do six. I think I did six days of no eating at first and so, but within that, god began to really do some work and I really made in my mind like I said, I already made my mind to work on yourself, no matter what. Now I knew that once I started talking about me working on myself and me whatever.
Speaker 1:It seems like when people start talking about working themselves, you get so much backlash like people start looking at you themselves. You get so much backlash like people start looking at you like you're crazy, something wrong with you, like why would you do that? And it's like, but instead of celebrating it because I feel like you know we, you hear that that saying be the change that you want wait be the change you see in the world, or you want to see in the world something like that right that we hear that saying. It's a saying that was said, however it's like, but once you start trying to be that change, nobody everybody's looking at you like something's wrong with you.
Speaker 1:I feel like a lot of the problems in the world or that's what we go through, even in relationships that can be handled if everybody take the time to just really work on themselves and stop or stop looking at other people to change, in order for you to change and begin it just to be to change yourself, regardless of the fact like you're, you know to. Really you look at your mom, your dad and all these other relationships that you have sisters, brothers, whatever husbands, wives and things like that and you want them to change, but you're not willing to do to change yourself. That doesn't really make any sense. I don't even know, but basically I did the big chop and we was chopping away those things that really had me to the like. I told you I was raised in depression, um, and so like that, all those seeds that has been planted, was like it's time to really get that the good and cut that off, and so you know how, when you are.
Speaker 1:So it happened, I think, uh, it's january, march basically. And um, march was really like cut off, bam. Right. In january was like preparing myself, figuring out what to do. What's the best what to do? What's the best way to do this? What is the best way to do this thing? Why? How did I get here right in order for you to understand what type of way that you need to chop your hair? A lot of times you start to really pay attention. So what was really the problem, what was really the problem of how my hair got to this point? And you know, you begin to assess, you begin to to analyze what did I do, what I didn't do, what I did wrong, whatever case may be.
Speaker 1:And so January and February was pretty much that. That was the process. And then March, it happened, boom Cut, and I felt so great. Oh, my God, it was just the best thing ever, like, yes, god, I mean, it was awesome. And for the first couple of months let me see April and May I was just like loving the results and you know, everything was just moving because I felt lighter and you know, my eyes was open in a way. There were some hiccups, but it wasn't nothing to make me like go into like a big old spiral at the time, and so not hiccupsups, but some things that was happening basically, and so I'm just like, okay, all right, and then you know I didn't go to a spiral, just okay, well, you just got to do things differently.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, um, so when you do a big chop, right, when you do a big chop, you one thing I did not realize and I'm that's why I want to use this analogy acknowledging for the big chop because in March, let me see, it happened in March, april and May I was like okay, but then, I think in June, it started to. Something started wasn't going right, right, and I couldn't figure out what was happening and what. I you know what, what, why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I thought maybe I was going backwards or what was going on. And God said something.
Speaker 1:He said Elisa, you remember that you had this like, you operated with this mindset for 30 something years at that time. You know, I'm 37 now, so I didn't even turn 37 yet, and so you have to learn how, not like not that you got to learn different new habits and new ways of doing things, and without the old way. So it's kind of like, even with the big chop, right, when you do the big chop, you used to do your hair and you used to. You had a routine for that length of your hair. But now that you don't have that length anymore, you now have to learn what to do with the length that you have right. So it feels different because you know at first you're like, okay, I got this chopper, it looks nice or whatever. In case it be, you might went to the barbershop. They might have did a whole fade. They're coming in, everything is nice, boom, you go in, you go out, you like it.
Speaker 1:But then after a while you know your hair start growing back. But it start growing and you got to try to start figuring out what to do with this new growth. But the way that you used to do with a new growth and how you used to assess the new growth with the array length that you already had, you can't do those same things anymore because it's not going to work necessarily, right. So, different things, hairstyles you used to use, you used to be able to pull it back in a bun and call it a day, or pull it back in a ponytail and call it a day, but now you now your hair too short, you can't put it into the ponytail. Now, what you're going to do, like, you now have to go do some research on youtube, university, trying to find out, you know, what hairstyles you could do with twa, right and so like, and that's the process. It's the process that, uh, I learning, and it wasn't fun and it took a minute to really get to that point, because I was trying to figure out what in the world is going on here, because I was doing the same things but it wasn't working. It's not working because I don't have that anymore, right, it's gone. I cut it off, so now I have to learn where I am now. So now I have to learn where I am now, and so that's what.
Speaker 1:So the rest of 2023 was a lot of that happening in different stages of my life when, you know, there was some new growth and everything else, but I had to learn how to. I had to just sit to learn, like, relearn my hair, like and I'm saying here because, just like that, basically me learning myself, we're talking about hair because, um, I don't know why I use this now, I just came out here but it's really. I think it really helps because, like, when you think about it, you know if your hair was all the way down mid-back and you cut it all the way down to a fade, that's a big cut, that's a lot and that's a To regrow it to that, or to even say you have to. Now do I want to go to that far or do I like it the way it is, or all these different things. You, as your hair is growing the new, you have to learn new routine for what your hair is right now.
Speaker 1:You, because there were some things you did for your hair then that you can't, you just't do now, because you don't have. You know, I just it's a lot, but it's a lot to take in, and there are some faces that is really ugly, like it just don't look right, because you are learning new hairstyles and then you are doing those tutorials and then sometimes the hairstyles don't come out the way you think it's supposed to come out, um, and then you might finally figure it out, and then you may finally find a way to just say, well, I'm just gonna put it, twisties or some, use some coils and stuff like that, and even that you have to learn how to do that. That'll always happen and then to eventually you might say you know what, forget it, I'm just going to cover it up. I put a wig on, and there's a few times where basically, I was just like I'm just going to cover up and I'm just going to hide Because it's just too much, it's a lot, and I got to a place where that's exactly what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1:I just wanted to hide and so but it wasn't until August of last year because I wanted to just hide, because I realized in working for myself I mean working and really doing work for myself there was a lot. I had a lot against me and I knew that in working for myself that I was really going to walk this thing alone. My mother even my mother couldn't. She did the best she could, couldn't even walk this with me. She wouldn't be able to handle it and in so many areas. So it was hard and I just didn't want to do it.
Speaker 1:But when I made a decision, all right, this is it, because you have to walk this by yourself and you got to do this by yourself. And I remember, because I had a conversation with my pastor and she was like Lisa, what's up? And I was just like I got to do this and I got to do it this way. And I couldn't believe what I was saying Because at the time I'm like this is too much, I'm not doing this Right, it's just too much work, I can't, I can't, I just can't, and I wanted to just hide. I did, I wanted to hide. Matter of fact, if she didn't call I, really at first I was like, yeah God, I'm doing it Because he was showing me listen, you got to do it this way because this and that he showed me why and I didn't like it, I didn't like it at all. But then I was just about to give up that I'm not doing it, and my pastor called me and she was just calling me just to call me and um, and it's with that conversation, it's like you know what I got to do it and I got to do it this way. And since then, um, even with all the um, even with all the what's I'm looking for, like I've already got a lot of that's crazy, you know. You know I got a lot of resistance. That's what I'm looking for. I have got a lot of resistance from those around me and I, literally, was doing this alone. I didn't have that many people, or that you know, behind me, and it's not because, like you know, like it's just they couldn't.
Speaker 1:There's the times in our life where we really have to walk certain things alone. Jesus himself had to do things alone. There was many times that you know, in the Bible they said that he had to slip off alone. Paul himself one of his greatest ministry that he had that he has, that we know him for was something he did alone the books that he wrote. He ain't do that with people around. He did that while he was in a prison, by himself, um. So there's times where we have to be alone to get to the place that God has called us, to get to, um, so that we really can be molded, we really we Jesus.
Speaker 1:I'm saying this because I'm really, like y'all understand, this summer is, is, is, it's really something, it's a journey that I'm going through this summer. It's really um, it's, it's tough, it is tough, it is, is very tough, um, but I'm learning that, like I said in the lesson, I'm learning that he loves me, like he's really had to teach me how much he loves me, because I guess I didn't understand how much he loves me and I was sitting up here and I didn't receive his love as much as I thought that I did. And yet, because I didn't receive it as much as I thought and I'm up here trying to give it, I find myself with insufficient, being insufficient and overdraft, and so he has some work to do and what he's doing is that he's really going back and recreating the foundation, because my foundation was rocky, and so I'm feeling it. I, I am, I'm really I'm feeling it. It's a lot, but, at the same time, the difference is now is that I'm learning to enjoy, to really enjoy the process and, in a way, people it doesn't look like I'm going through, because I'm out here still with smile and it's not fake because he's teaching me how I can enjoy the process of being like, really being remade and uh, like the all the new growth within my hair, and to learn and have the joy of learning what to do, uh, what, the routines, what, what's going to work, what's not going to work, the trials and the errors Um, even though people are going to look at me like, oh my gosh, you look a hot mess, like to not let that determine from what needs to be done. You know, because you're going to look a hot mess sometimes and it's okay, because we all look a hot mess sometimes, but embrace it at that moment, because I'm not going to stay a hot mess but to really that's what I'm learning. He said something to me. God says something to me. He said at least what he said, um, which made me because this is some steps and some steps in the 2024. Um, I became more determined than anything to like really work on myself. But we went deeper in 2024. We went deeper. We really went to the nitty-gritty of why I, who I am, what's going on, and I understand it because I even see even more so in my children. It's like I get this together because I don't need my children continue walking this. I need to be free so they can be learned how to be free, like I'm not secure in him and how can I expect them to be, and so that's what I have been in 2024.
Speaker 1:And so he said, when there was a storm on a ship, I was sleep. I said, yeah, jesus, I know you were sleeping. He said no, lisa, I was sleep, like I wasn't. You know there's different stages of sleep, right, we know that you can go to bed, lay down for a minute trying to go to sleep, but it takes like sometimes, um, for some of us. Some of us can go, there's not me. I wish I could, I wish that as soon as I hit that pillow I could be like out like a light right away. But no, I gotta so, I gotta ease my way into it before I go out like a light.
Speaker 1:But jesus, the, the boat was rocking, the waters were just raging, all these things was going on, and Jesus was asleep because just the, just the rocking alone. For those who might, you know, for some, that should have woke you up. Right, that should have woke him up. He didn't wake up today. He was yelling at him and so.
Speaker 1:So he was trying to teach me that I can rest even in the midst of a storm. Like, just because a storm is going around me and the boat is rocking, wind is howling and maybe rain, some thunder or whatever is going on in the storm, I still can rest soundly. And so that's what I'm learning that I can rest, even in the midst of the storm, even in the midst of it, I can rest. I can rest because I can rest in him and he is my fortress, he is, he is, and he is my fortress. He is, he is, he is my fortress, and I can go far with that one. But, yeah, so I we're learning on here, we're learning in this journey, um to be made, and even in the midst of being in a kiln, because, oh, jesus, oh, my gosh, it's hot. And um, it's hot, it's hot, the heat has been turned up. But, uh, if the three boys can dance in a furnace, so can I. Right, if they can move around and dance in it, so can I, because jesus is with them then and jesus is with me now in the fire, so, uh, so, yes, that's where we are right now, like all this week, he is because, oh, it's been a lot and it's been.
Speaker 1:I feel like I'm always up and down, it's very exhausting, but, um, at the end of the day, you know, he constantly tells me like Lisa, I got you, I got you, and I have to really learn what that means. I got you because for so long, like for so long, I just I don't know how to be. I just didn't know how to be, to be God. I have been doing so much of always worrying about everybody else and taking care of everybody else. It's like, but who's going to take care of Elisa? And it's just been like I don't know. I used to, just I used to pray oh man, god, how come I didn't have an older brother? Because I had nobody to really protect me and I wanted an older brother so one could protect me. And right now Jesus is.
Speaker 1:Like you have to learn that I'm in your protector, like you have to learn all these things. And it's a process to learn these things. It's a process. So, even in the midst of your process, know that everything's not going to take overnight. It's going to take a while. And if I'm 37 and you and you older than me, then you got more right. It's a lot of stuff that I've been doing for 30 years. If you're older than me, then by all means means right, take an account now, right, of how many years that you now have to like, relearn right, basically relearn how to do without those things that you allow, that you had cut off, that was cut off. Learn you have to allow and then allow that new growth and work that new growth with what you have now, right. And so you have to do more research, you have to be more into your word, you have to do more things to learn where I am now, what do I have now? Right Now, of course, you can just always, just, you know, hide and put a wig on, or or whatever case may be. But now you also have to learn how to do with the wig too, because you had, if you had, a wig and you still braid your hair and now you got. Everything is still a learning process that you have to do.
Speaker 1:Um, but don't just always hide, necessarily, you know. Don't always just hide away, cause that's my fate, that's my first thing to do, you know. Don't always just hide away, because that's my first thing to do. I always do. I'm ready to hide, I'm ready to go in the back. I don't want nobody to see me, I don't want. No, I'm quick to hide. I'm quick to walk away because and I'm not going to talk about this now, I'm going to bring it up in my next episode, but it's you know. But I'm quick to move, I'm quick to walk away because you ain't going to use this against me. I think that's one of my fears, because people are always using something against you. I'm used to people using your struggles, your weaknesses, against you, and so I don't want people to see, because now it's not just about me anymore.
Speaker 1:I got kids now and so, um, and everything affects them as well, even more than just me. So, oh jesus, oh god, I'm, I'm, I am, I am trying not to cry, but it's tough, but I have learned to really just go with the flow, and really learning how to just go with the flow Last week was really a lesson of go with the flow. That was the lesson that God really wanted me to learn was to go with the flow, not trying to always figure out what, why am I here? What am I doing, um, just go with it. Because, like I said, I wanted to leave Um, I didn't want to be a burden, because there are times where um and I'm not, like I said, I'm not really trying to, and I keep saying that because I, to a degree, I want people to be trying to understand. I'm not walking around here like, yay, let me turn every conversation I have into a therapy session. I'm really not, um, I'm really not.
Speaker 1:And even during so, like when I was having that conversation with her, I was, I got to go and God was like, no, you got to stay here. And I was trying to walk and I was gone, but it wasn't. If I had left then I would not receive what I needed to receive at the end of that conversation, receive at the end of that conversation. And so that's why he was teaching me Alisa, just go with the flow, no matter what is needed or whatever your reasons like, throw that away, most of it is not because, other than the fact, because it's what people say about me. Oh, there go Alisa again. She always talking long, and this, any other, any other.
Speaker 1:You know, I don't like to hear that all the time and sometimes I don't understand, like you know, um, that it's a lot even for me, because I don't always want to be that deep. I really wish sometimes that I could just give somebody a one word answer instead of SAT answer, but it seems like I'm always, constantly, in a place where what I say then again is needed, and so that's why I need to just do and be who he created me to be, like this is who he created me to be like. This is who he created me. If he wanted me to be this simple, he would create me simple, but he did not. So I needed to just go with the flow and just do and just be and stop trying to figure out all the time and um. So that's why I feel like this is what is happening.
Speaker 1:So this summer has been really intense. It's been really intense because he's teaching me all these lessons and it doesn't feel great all the time. I really feel like I'm bipolar. That's something I really haven't said to nobody throughout this summer yet. That's something I really haven't said to nobody throughout this summer yet.
Speaker 1:But I feel like I'm bipolar because I'm really learning how to feel my feelings. I feel the feelings from, feel whatever they are and allow God to really heal me, allow God to really get to the root of it and heal it, especially with the abandonment issues that I have, because all I know is abandonment. For the most part, I've been abandoned by the closest people to me and in one way, so I feel like no one's going to stay here for me and it's affecting not just, you know, in relationships with people, but with God himself, you know, and so he has to deal with it and it's, it's, it's pretty intense, and so I'm learning to uh, and and with that I might be up one minute like, oh, look at Lisa. And the next day it's like and when, on the days I'd be ready to stay inside because you know some ugly days and guys like, no, you won't be right outside and I don't want to do all that.
Speaker 1:And because people, they use those days against you, they take that and they, you know, want to put you down more than you already putting yourself down, not understanding what you're going through, not understanding what your mindset, not understanding that you're struggling too, just like they're struggling. You're, you know there's some things you're suffering, just like they may be suffering, but no one, no one thinks like that, like that all the time. Um, my husband telling me you think like that, but everybody doesn't think like you. The normal person doesn't think like that person doesn't think like that, and so it's. It gets hard because you, you know that, like I, I have concern for people. Uh, they might be going through a bad day. They're saying, yeah, but other people may not like, oh, she might be having a bad day like and look at her like you know, whatever so, but now we have to learn, because that's how else I'm going to get through, because what happened was not what happened.
Speaker 1:What's happening is I'm really going through this part again because god tried on multiple occasions in the past and he started and I will allow him to start, but I won't allow him to finish the work. Um, I always will. I gotta you know. I'll allow him to cut away, right and but after he cut away and he gives him those specific instructions, like you would if he was going in surgery, and the surgery is over and they give you specific, specific instructions during your recovery stages. Whatever the instructions, depending on the surgery, if you don't follow them, there's a chance that that wounds or you know, can be reopened, with the wound from the surgery from being cut open. Nothing else it can. And that was stitched, and they tell you, take it easy, or different things like that, and you decide you want to do what you want to do. They don't know what they're talking about. Now the stitches came up often, the wound is open and now you're affected and that has been what's happened.
Speaker 1:He's been trying to do that for me, uh, for a while and I allow him to cut, but then I don't follow the instructions and my wounds get open and now I'm affected. And now you got to deal with that right, because now it's something else. So what was a little bit there had to be cut off. Now it's a lot that actually have to be cut off. So now some limbs, it's just a.
Speaker 1:So I'm really re, I guess, redoing some things he tried to do before, and because he's redoing, it's more intense now, and so that's why I talked about I'm really learning, even with being Clay. When he got to smooth these edges, because you're supposed to be still while he's molding and you're up there moving all around. Now you're all lumpy and everything else. You got to fix that and you got to get those tools and you can't just get something a little soft. You got to get some stuff that's going to hurt, because you got to really scrape oh Jesus, you got to really scrape right and to get these things together, and so now I'm just learning not to fight against them in this in this season.
Speaker 1:Just okay, god, I know just what you gotta do, so do it doesn't feel great, but you're with me and I want to learn how to be able to sleep and rest in the midst of it, in the storm. I want to be able to dance in the fire, like the Hebrew words um and that. And you want me to learn that too, because you're with me regardless, in any situation, in any process. You are with me and you are here for me and so, mind you, I'm not trying to persuade anybody to do it the way I'm doing it, because you can't do it the way I'm doing it. My walk is my walk and your walk is your walk. My path is my path and your path is your path. Um, and that's the thing that I mean not saying that everybody was saying was wrong. It's just that there's just some things that they don't understand because it's not their path and it wasn't for them to really understand.
Speaker 1:But it's because of me doing the work and choosing to work on myself that I was able to help her and other people. So, if you have again I said this before like if, if you are, if you could think at least one time when we had, when you first encountered with me and saw how I was feeling this way, but now I wasn't Like you really have helped. I have really helped you in some area, you know, especially since between now and last year. You know it's because of the work that I chose to do on myself. It's because I chose to, with all the resistance that I was receiving, because I received a lot of resistance I still did not allow that to deter me from working on myself, even in situations where I constantly was looking at what am I doing wrong and you know, what can I do to fix this? And and the resistance was, you know, there was a lot of resistance from a lot of people, for many people. But if I didn't do that, then I wasn't gonna be able to help her. But if I didn't do that, then I wasn't going to be able to help her. So that text thank you for doing the work on yourself so that I can help others that right there, makes it all worth it. It wasn't always easy, it didn't always feel great, but this right there, that text thank you for doing the work on yourself so that you can help others made it all worth it. It did, and that's what tears came to my eyes because it made it all worth it.
Speaker 1:Because what if I didn't do the work on myself. Can I really? Would I have been that effective in her life, right? Would god really be able to utilize me the way he could have? So I challenge you to do the work on yourself, like, really take the time to do the work, to analyze, to figure it out. What is it? Why am I this way? How did I get here?
Speaker 1:Feel every feeling that you have to feel so that you can heal all those feelings that you have, suppressed the resentment, the bitterness from the rejection, whatever it was, and it comes up in your inner conversations with yourself. The way you feel about people, the way you feel with all your relationships. Feel with all your relationships. Feel all those feelings so that you can heal. Try to be that change that you want others to be. I know that's like a cliche, something that we have heard multiple times. Other people say as slogans, but really be that change that you want others to be Meaning you know the things that you want to change in other people. If you feel like people are so mean or whatever case in be, you, be that change, mean or whatever case can be, you be that change. And uh, because I believe that if other people really take that and be the change they want other people to say the world can be a totally different place, but it all starts with if everyone takes the time to want to do the work on themselves and really try to really be that change and they feel like everyone else should have.
Speaker 1:So, uh, until the next episode, thank you for again allowing me to be a part of your day today. Thank you for being with me this long. Um is this in July? This is great. This is this is awesome that I'm still doing this and I didn't give it up. And thank you for still listening and I will catch you On the next episode and, until then, know that you are loved, not just a little, but greatly, and not just today but forever, and not just by some, but by the one who created you and his love, and he's not the only one. We love you unconditionally. See you later. You are the poster, so I have a big leg, big leg.