Be Clay
" You are the Potter, I am the Clay! " Like me, you may have heard this phrase multiple times and even said it yourself. Whether you are in the church or not, this has become a popular phrase; that eventually in some cases became a cliché. However, has it crossed your mind what it really means to say " I am the Clay"?When you hear this phrase, you may imagine the positions of a “Potter” and “Clay” in this relationship. Understanding that the “Potter” makes and molds the clay to the desired finished product. You understand that the “Potter” knows the process needed to obtain the product's intended purpose. You may even imagine a “Potter” molding clay on the Potter’s wheel into a bowl. It is only possible for the clay to become a bowl if it cooperates with the Potter. The clay has to understand that its duty is only to be molded. The “Potter's” purpose will never come to fruition if the “clay” is non-cooperative.
Here on the “Be Clay” podcast, we will talk about how to accept and endure the duty of clay, as we allow the Potter to perform the same. We will explore the positions of “The Potter” and “The Clay” and the dynamics of each role. In the past years, I have learned and am still learning the roles of “The Potter” and “The Clay”. I have come to the realization that I was not fulfilling the role of “The Clay”. Instead of allowing “ The Potter” to mold me, I was fighting back and trying to mold myself. You can imagine what a mess I made! If you can relate, know you are not alone. “You are the Potter, and I am the Clay” will not be just something you say, but you will learn and understand your role and “ Be Clay”
Be Clay
Letting Go for Generational Healing
Ever wondered how your relationship with your parents shapes your entire life? In this heartfelt episode, I open up about the deeply personal journey of navigating the desired relationship with my father, delving into the challenging path of forgiveness and healing. Whether you're grappling with unresolved emotions or just curious about the transformative power of faith, this episode promises to offer valuable insights and a comforting sense of solidarity.
Reflecting on my childhood and the emotional aftermath of my father's absence, I share candidly about the impact it had on my family and my role as the eldest sibling. I discuss the importance of addressing childhood hurts and how these unresolved feelings can affect not only our lives but also the lives of our children. As a mother of six, I've seen firsthand how emotions like hurt, disappointment, anger, and bitterness can ripple through generations, underscoring the necessity for healing and forgiveness.
Join me as I recount the struggles of holding onto anger, the divine call to forgive, and the pivotal moments of divine intervention that guided me toward releasing past hurts. From the complexities of forgiving without an apology to the spiritual battles that led to my breakthroughs, this episode is a testament to the power of letting go and moving forward. Whether you're a parent, contemplating marriage, or simply seeking closure, this episode offers a deeply personal exploration of forgiveness and the profound changes it can bring to your life and relationships.
Does forgiveness mean letting go?
Forgiveness is about choosing to let go of those feelings and thoughts. It doesn't mean being OK with what happened. Instead, choosing to forgive is about making a conscious decision to move forward and letting go of the pain.
You are Loved!
Not just a little, but greatly
Not just today, but forever
Not just by some,
But by the ONE who created you in His Love
And HE's Not The ONLY One
We Love You Unconditionally
&
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!
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hello, loved, and thanks for tuning in to another episode of b clay. I really appreciate you allowing me to be a part of your day now. Although this episode is way past father's Day, I really still want to say happy Father's Day to any fathers that are listening. I also want to send condolences and prayers to those who may have been struggling due to the loss of their father. For those who may have lost them, maybe even this year, this might be the first year without your father, or this may be not the first year. However, it's still hard. I extend my deepest, deepest, deepest prayers that God continue to comfort you, whatever you may need it.
Speaker 1:I know I heard someone was upset because they felt like it's not fair that they had a good father and their father's not here and there's some dead beats or some fathers who they felt as though that they don't deserve to be here and which make it harder for them to grieve their father. And with that, if you're like that, I still send extra prayers of comfort and peace and strength. In this time, I'm so grateful that God has been very patient with me and long-suff suffering, should I say with teaching me really how to forgive. And I'm saying that because, as you know, I have said previously that the relationship with my father is not necessarily where I want it to be Meaning me, I guess, because of I feel like, and I hope that he's actually listening I don't know if he actually is really listening, but if he is, um, thank you, dad, right, um, but um, I just feel like there's a, there's been a conversation that, um, we have not had. We have not had and I don't know if it's because it's hard to hear or if he's scared to hear all the things that I may say that he will perceive to be a failure as a father, and and so it's like, you know, I want to have this conversation, but not really want to really have this conversation, right, but in reality, I think I think it's hard for me because in reality, I really just want to say listen, because I have I have tried to say I have put out multiple messages, voice memos and of just really trying to get out the fact that I really forgave him. I mean truly, I did forgive my father. I have nothing but empathy for him and I would want to have the conversation of him understanding some of the things that you know that I've been through, based upon of you know, not based, but from the cause of things that you have done.
Speaker 1:Yes, but as a way, because, unlike my mother, he's actually still Raising two girls and, although we went through a whole lot, me and my Two sisters, right, um, we had God. That's one thing that he did. He introduced us to God, and without God, I cannot tell you where we will be. I understand that I'm not sure exactly who is listening and I can't tell where each and everyone is when it comes to God. If everyone that's listening actually believes in God and if they do, like, what was their actual perception of God and everything else?
Speaker 1:I and I know with the last few episodes, I really talk heavily about my relationship with God and what God has done in my life. Um, and so he is a very vital, important of who I am. I don't know if that makes any sense, but, um, but he's basically a very I mean, because he's been my constant all my life, at least 37 years of life, and so I really and I said that I'm grateful for the patience that he has me of really learning how to forgive, because I constantly think about the, especially with Father's Day that came and when I think about how I feel about my father and how others view my feelings towards my father, feelings towards my father, and some there's a lot that say that my father maybe don't even deserve, um, my empathy. But over the last I don't know, I can't really put a timeframe on it, but really recently I just really been really observant, really quiet and just listening and paying attention to this thing with when it comes to forgiveness, and especially when we're talking about forgiving people without waiting for them to at least acknowledge that they need to be forgiven and actually apologize or say sorry, or, and you know which is I say.
Speaker 1:The crazy thing is there's been a lot of people who have done me wrong right, it is what it is right. And, to tell you the truth, I am one who's very patient and, as far as if those that know me will know, it takes me a very long time. Like it takes a long, I mean a long time. Like for you to really like, as you would say, push my buttons Okay. Like I um, like it takes some, it takes a lot for you to do something to the point where I can say I'm done with you, like it had to be something and the majority, um, if people have gotten to that point, or got me to that point, um, if I think the males, the males in my life that took who got there fastest, should I say, and was the hardest to forgive, and so like, because in reality there was a point where I actually hated both my mother and my father and I actually started to forgive my father before I forgave my mother. With my mother was a bit different, because I didn't really realize that I actually hated my mother. I knew that there was a big part that I really truly had a strong dislike for my mother and I mean very strong and I didn't realize that it evolved into hatred until God himself actually had to point that out. And so that was in. He pointed it out like 2013,. That, no, alisa, you actually hate your mother and you know. It took a moment and then I forgave her. Or was that the end of 2012? But anyway, we'll say about 2012,. 2013 is when I realized it and forgave her.
Speaker 1:Now I started to forgive my father. Um, hmm, I guess, I guess 2000,. Maybe, I guess about 2009,. I guess I can say, yeah, 2009. And I say started because there were stages of it of forgiving my father and the way that. First of all, the way that and I'm going to get into how I actually forgave my father, um, because the way that when I say he had patient, patience with me, is because when, um, because I had no intentions of really forgiving my father, I mean to some degree, like I wanted to forgive him Once I realized I was actually going to get married, because I knew that, I knew for sure that the way that I feel about my father, that it was going to cause some issues in my marriage, that my husband was going to get marriage, that my husband was going to get Um, he was just going to get some stuff that didn't belong.
Speaker 1:That wasn't his fault. It was some anger and built up things for my father and I was going to take it out on my husband, mainly because he was. He's here and my father is not. Like my father is here but he's not here. I can't, I could, I can't and I couldn't really just like lay out everything that I felt, again, you know, for him and everything else. So I will. I knew that I would.
Speaker 1:I I just knew, I knew for sure that and I, and I knew that was going to be fair and I knew, like, listen, marriage is already hard as it is and I, my plan was to kind of like to, you know, to try to forgive my father before I got married, so they can make it easier, um, but it didn't work that way and so, um, but I want to really express and give this um and share my story, because, when it comes to forgiving your parents, it can be very hard, because you look at your parents as, um, you're supposed to be, you were supposed to protect me, you were supposed to love me, you were supposed to not let this happen. You were supposed to not let that happen. You know, I didn't. You know I didn't feel this.
Speaker 1:I didn't feel that, um, you never told me that you love me or you, you know, just multiple things that we perceive as growing up, as children, that we just automatically say you should have known to do that, like you shouldn't have abandoned me. How can you abandon me, um, and then like, if we are, uh, if we, especially if we become parents ourselves and we look at our children and we'll say you know, I would never abandon my children, so I don't understand how you would abandon me, and you know, and the list really can go on. And when it comes to fathers, um, the ratio of where there were, um, where the uh fathers not in the home versus in the home is very high, of them not being at home. And so then, as far as, especially for us as females, that eventually um get married, we struggle, right, we struggle of um, of of being a wife because and I know, at least for me, like my dad was there, that he left, and so, remembering that a father is the first example of what a man is, as well as what, how a man should treat me, based upon how he treats my mother, and so there were, there was a lot, ok, there was a lot of things that I learned and picked up based upon that alone.
Speaker 1:And I've been married for now 16 years and it's been, it's been okay, it's been something, and there was a lot of struggles based upon what I perceived a man to be with the father and the father figures of my life, and thinking that they're always going to leave me, and so, but God, and I'm going to give you the two different pathways of forgiveness based upon, I guess, your operating system. So, because I have, I do know, I can't say I don't know because I do know the I guess, what would you say? I guess the operating system right Of doing it, with God right and with him being you know the operating system, and without God, which basically we're going to say that you are your own operating system and because, um, because, even being in him but we roof and refusing to do it his way, basically, like you know, he's my operating system but I want to basically hack it and do it my own way. Right, this is, you know, that's basically how it was, but you know, but eventually I, alisa had switched over to his way totally and realized his way is much better. So I can't speak for everyone else, I can't speak for you. That's something that you will have to figure out on your own.
Speaker 1:Now, when it comes to forgiveness, you can be just like me, like I don't care what, I don't care what no one say, I don't care whatever, because I just I'm just not forgiving them, because they shouldn't have done this, like in all that, because I was there, I was there on both my parents. We're going to leave my mother. I'm not going to say to my mother, mother, but my mother, she heard the story. So we're good, and I know it's hard to hear these things and for those who are, you know, for those who are I think mostly everybody that is really listening to this are grown, and so if you're grown and you still hold it on to a lot of hurt, disappointment, anger, even hatred, um, bitterness, resentment and all the above for your parents, I hope that you listen, um, not just hear me, but really listen, because, especially if you're parents yourself, um, because these things that you're holding on to is really going to affect you as a parent and how you parent, and it's going to affect um, first of all, if everything that you were already feeling is already that you was feeling and every you know everything that you felt and feel. And so, if you was feeling hatred Towards your parents and everything else From your childhood and got pregnant, everything that you was thinking, those thoughts, all those feelings are in your children Already, because they they don't just uh, you know take from you, because they take everything from you right there, when they come to party, when you're pregnant, they take everything from you, but they're not just and we're not just talking about the nutrients for food. But we're talking about mentally and emotionally right, which is why, you know, while we're pregnant, um, we're talking about mentally and emotionally Right, which is why, you know, while we're pregnant, we're told that not to have too much stress and all those different things like that, because that does affect everything. And so now your children are here. Now what, right? And you, if you paid attention, you know enough, you can see it how it's been manifesting in your children.
Speaker 1:Now I have six children, and which I believe that God did that on purpose. I mean, first of all, we already know that he does everything intentionally for sure, because by me having six children, it really makes me like really take a step back and pay attention to what I'm doing. Say, especially now in this season, is that I have six children and everything I do and don't do is going to affect not just my children, because it already affects my children, but my children's children and children's children's children's, because what I have done is I birthed six generations and so I was one day. I've been, I told you, I've been struggling a lot in my adult years and, um, I think last year, um was the first year where, first of all, this was this.
Speaker 1:2024 was the first year that I started off not depressed I should say thank God for that. And then last year was the first year where I even like I did not like I started one way but ended Like a whole 180 turn. He's really. He really did a lot for me last year. Um, well, 2013 was also one of those years. So I should say when, the first years in a long time, should I say that Um, but, um, um, but. So I hope that. So I hope that you listen because and especially if you are for women and you thinking about getting married, like your relationship with your, your, your daddy is going to affect that Like it really is. So I hope that you, really, you know, listen. If you're still holding on to a lot of things, I was asked a question Actually, I was asked multiple times, but recently asked a question about you know, when I was talking about forgiveness and forgiving people, and it was like, well, they're going to meet you halfway and I was just like I'm not waiting for people to meet me halfway and I will say that because, um, because my father, me forgiving my father, the process of forgiving my father was the like, he was the first person that I actually forgave without him asking for forgiveness for me, because we, you know, we grow up in a way where we learn that in order to forgive someone, they actually have to ask forgiveness right, they actually have to come and say I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:But he was the first one that I actually forgave without him actually saying I'm sorry, and I'm saying that because I really feel like he was never really going to say that I'm sorry, because I realized in a lot of areas that I feel like he should say sorry, for I don't even think that my father actually understand that he that he think that he actually really done something wrong or to the extent that he did something like I know that I left her, I know that you know I wasn't there, but not understanding to the extent of what it actually done of me not being there. I don't think he understood that, even before he actually physically left, when I was 11, that even while he was in the house, um like when, um like when that he didn't, because he don't think he even understood that I actually knew that he was eventually was going to leave. I can tell by the shift in my household that my dad basically had one foot out of the door for many different reasons, and once I saw that happening as a young age, I also saw how the shift even as supposed to be our covering, as he was still in our house was like he was. It was not there, right? Which is just to say I know that he was leaving, because it first started him not covering us, um, my mom and my sisters.
Speaker 1:Well, at that time, my, uh, well, she's not my youngest now, but, um, so let me just start for those who don't know me. So I'm actually the oldest of five, right? So, um, it's me. Then I have another sister who's two years under me. Then I have another one that's actually, um, seven years under me, and that's the one that's from my dad and my mom. And then, later on, my dad left, got married I don't even know when he got married and now he has twin girls who are 14. Yes, they're 14. So, and it'll be 15th in this year, I think, if I'm not mistaken. But right, and so the ones that I grew up with, um, it was just me and my other sister, and, uh, the other one was not even born yet, but when I saw the shift, uh, the other one was not even born yet, but when I saw the shift and the covering, and uh was not there.
Speaker 1:And in order for him to really become that covering that he needs to be, um, he would have really have to do some soul searching, should I say. And I'm going to say it in that way, and this is where I'm saying this is the path for those of us who are in God, because when you're in God, you have a whole, like a whole. The Bible says that if any man be in Christ, he's a new creature. Behold, all things become new, right and the oldest passed away. So, basically, you become a new creature. You don't. You have, like your eyes are opened, you have weapons that are not carnal. Our weapons are not carnal. Like there's just a whole different path that we take, because we know, as long as we really do it his way, that he can by all means show up, and you know, through us, like we don't really have to do everything right, um, because he got us right. All things work together for our good um, for them that love him, and if you love him, you'll keep his commandments, and so, like there's just a whole different pathway that we have to go through.
Speaker 1:Now. When you do it yourself, then it depends how you feel, right, there's so many benefactors when you do it yourself, depending on everything that you learn throughout your life and wherever you are and what you want to do and all those things like that. So you go through your weapons is totally different. You use whatever you think that's going to work and you'll continue to make use it to whatever your advantage. So, um, even though so, so, basically, so, so, basically, once I saw that that that protection was not going to be there, I, as the oldest, felt like, well, I guess I have to be the man of the house and protect my mom and my sisters, because my father is not going to do it and he's not willing to do what needs to be done to be that person, that protector. And I don't think my father actually knew it under his matter of fact, no one knew that until like recently, my mom just really learned that, like, as I actually told her, like this is what I had, just my mindset that I had. So people are just now learning that this is the mindset that I had. I still never even told my father that. Well, I told him, but I don't think he actually heard with all that.
Speaker 1:So, with all that being said, that was the mindset that I had growing up the whole time, literally the whole time, like no, I'm the man of the house. I kept saying, like you know, I stopped playing with dolls or anything. That was a kid. Because I felt like, oh, I'm not a kid, really, I'm a grownup because I got to take that responsibility. So then, eventually, my dad actually left and so I just went full fledged on then like, oh well, see, I told you I had to be the man in the house and so, um it. So I struggled, you know, and, um, I struggled, I did, I struggled with a lot of things, um and and reality.
Speaker 1:Growing up, in the beginning, my dad was my hero. Um, he really was my hero. Even with all through all of that, I just in my mind, I just knew that, look, there were some things that you know, that there was just some things that he had to deal with on his own, and I really did understand that I really did. My issues with my father is not necessarily that of what he did, because I expect us in our own human nature to mess up. I never expect people not to mess up, like I'm not necessarily did not expect him not to abandon us, because unfortunately, that's what he learned, right, um, there wasn't that many, I'm not gonna say that many, but I understood there was, you know, from his own father. There was abandonment there and so, unless you um really like, seek, like this, is here and learn, and not necessarily from people, see, the reason why I have um this empathy to where people is not because I go to people, is because I learned how to go to the manufacturer himself and let you teach me.
Speaker 1:In my next episode I am going to really give my story being. So it's going to be July and we talk, you know, freedom. I'm going to all this pop, this politics of freedom and whatever, but I'm really talk about my story. But when I I was in church on my life, but because of different things, I started story. But, um, when I I was in church all my life, but because of different things, I started doing whatever I want to do. When I came back, I told God, I don't want mom, dad, god, I want my dad, god, I don't want my pastor, god, I just want you by myself and I really learned and had a developed relationship with him and he began to teach me everything that I needed to know.
Speaker 1:And so, um, with all that being said, um, I went through life like he was my hero up until like, he left when I was 11, about seven, right before, right before seven. Was that seventh grade? Was I going to seventhth grade? 11th? Yeah, that was yes, that was the summer before 7th. He left 7th grade. Was that 6th grade? Right? Was it 6th grade? He left, anyway, so he left in middle school, right, I think it really was, yes, sixth grade.
Speaker 1:When he left, and at December of sixth grade and and you know, I don't know, I wasn't, I wasn't shocked or whatever, I never had to deal with, dealt with my how I really felt about everything because I took on that role, I got to take care of my mom and my sisters, right, and so that's what I did, okay, and I think I became more angry about him actually leaving, well, more so angry about leaving, when, at that one moment where he had this conversation with me, I just I think for me I just wanted to hear that he just wanted to leave my mom, like, just say, you wanted to leave my mom. That's what I wanted to hear. But instead when he was telling me I don't know how he even got to this conversation, because I don't think I wanted to hear, but instead what he was telling me I don't know how he even got to this conversation, because I don't think I actually said something, and maybe I did, but he was telling me how there's a difference between God's perfect will and permissive will, and so I guess he was just trying to explain to me by him leaving my mother was he, was, he was justified for leaving her and being his permissive will. Now I was pissed off at and I remember this day I was really pissed off, like because I felt like just say, you want to leave my mom, that's okay, I'm good, like it is what it is, like you left, right, but it was the justifying, the God's perfect will versus permissive will. And at that moment I'm like just say you're not his perfect will. Because I knew, as Elisa, that day was not in God's perfect will. But in my mind I'm like I'm not telling people that I'm in submissive will, I'm telling people I'm not in his perfect will.
Speaker 1:Everyone in my you know at school and everything know, because I was doing a whole lot of stuff that wasn't correct, wasn't correct and so but and I knew that any day, if I was going die today, I wouldn't, probably would not see Jesus in heaven, and that was like it is what it is, but because, but I'm not to me, this is where I was like I'm, but I'm not coming out here, so my arm is from Bristolville. I'm like, no, I'm just not his perfect will, it is what it is, um, I think. So that was one of the things that I think that struck wrong with me. I think because, like I have learned before then and say, okay, well, men is just not going to take um accountability for what they did and do. Now, that's not. That wasn't the only thing at that moment, but there was multiple things throughout my childhood when he was at home. That's where um, instead of just like say hey, I did this wrong where he may, would have like just started blaming people, like especially my mother, um for um, for things and um, and we would get a lot of blame for a lot of stuff, which made me scared to make mistakes, period, um, but whatever that is with it. So anyway, uh, fast forward. That was around about, maybe about eighth grade or so, um, when he gave me that and I'm so, I just threw that away, whatever right. So now, and we ain't going to ninth grade and I begin to live with my father um to go to a school that was near his house.
Speaker 1:Now, at this time, you know, um, because me and my dad uh, at least that's before he did make sure um, uh, he knew it was important to him that we always had communication, that we was able to talk to each other. Um, for the most part I would say for the most part I was able to talk to him and um, I'll say for the most part, there were some areas of my life that I knew I couldn't talk to him about, um, but but for the most part I could. And so I think, what really um, once he um started dating his now wife, that communication began to go away and there were some other things that was happening other than the communication. And this is where, like, there was some things I did not really like about my father, but as long as we were able to talk about it, I felt as though eventually I'd probably be able to talk to him about it, but that didn't always happen, and so this is when I felt like I really hated my father, because the things that he's still he's supposed that we stand upon is now he was throwing away and get it. Mind you, there's different versions of ourselves, and I understood that.
Speaker 1:Even at that time, all I think I really wanted from my father was accountability. I think that's all I really wanted from my father was accountability. Just to say that I'm wrong, that's it and I'm sorry, but it seemed like it was more so, like, oh, like always a justification instead of just saying I'm wrong. But then he wasn't the only one that did that, and so it was just hard to really see like any anything past that. So, with all that being said, like eventually, um, I did the same with my dad at the end of ninth grade. Um, there's some things that he has said because, my, because there was a big change in our relationship, and I realized he wasn't really paying attention to his part in the change in our relationship, which caused me to do horrible in school in ninth grade.
Speaker 1:I wound up almost failing in ninth grade, and this is where I told God like I, and I was really mad at my father at this point, because I really hated my father because he wasn't paying attention all he to me. I thought all you had to do was ask me what was going wrong. I would have told you. Instead, you was giving me all this other stuff that had, and then it made everything worse and so I had told God I don't care about anything. Like I don't care about you. God, no more, I want nothing to do with you. Like I took all my anger from my, from my earthly father and took it out on my heavenly father, and God took it. This is why I really love my God because he took it anyway. Um, he took it and I went crazy that um, summer of ninth grade and um, basically, like, ooh, god had his hand on me because I did a whole bunch of stuff. Like I just went crazy. And so then I'm at the summer ninth grade, halfway through the 10th grade. And well, yeah, because when I came back in 10th grade right after my birthday, which my birthday is in October still going over all the things I've been doing throughout that time, I didn't like who I was, and God met me right there at my dad's house, because I went back to my dad's house to go to school and but my dad was at home at this time because he would come home from work and he would be with his now wife. He was his wife now, but at that time was his girlfriend and you know, I dusted his Bible and went and found God, right. So, the end of um, god was there now, just me and him.
Speaker 1:Um, I wound up after a while, leaving my dad's house on my own right, staying with my mom's house, really getting more into God. Really, you know, just me and God. It wasn't even about my mom or whatever, it was just me and him Still went to school and things like that. But I really hated my father at this moment, like I could not stand to see him. And it was fine. It was easy because we used to, up until this point, we were coming to his house every other weekend and we stopped coming, Right, he didn't want us or whatever. He didn't want us coming every other weekend. We was coming every other other, other, whatever, and so it was easy for me not to really have any type of anything with my father because he was, you know, becoming MIA. So I know that, um, at the end of 10th grade um, the Lord has will was pulling on me about forgiving my father, but I just didn't care, like I really did not.
Speaker 1:And we had a. I had a what you call it, a project that we had to do where we had to write a letter to somebody in the 10th grade, in my health class, and I was going to write a letter to one person, but he was like no, write a letter to your dad. God told me to do that and I could care to write a letter to one person. But he was like no, write a letter to your dad. God told me to do that and I could carry less. I wrote, but I did. I wrote a letter to my dad. He did talk, we did talk a little bit, but not really, and that's when he decided you know what, let me start back up of having us come over.
Speaker 1:I think I went over like once or twice and then I stopped because I couldn't do it no more, because I would, because I'm talking about truth and so I will keep speaking on things, and my sisters felt like, if I kept speaking on stuff, that they were never going to see him again. So I stopped coming. I'll just let them go and I won't come. I didn't come anymore and so fast forward 11th grade. So it was like they was coming for like a little bit, maybe about a month or two, but once school started again because it's like ending the summer, things like that once school started again they wasn't going over to my dad's house and we didn't get no birthdays, happy birthdays, no, nothing for a very long time, all these things like that. So, with all that being said, right now a lot has happened. I graduate high school. Some stuff happened. I got pregnant.
Speaker 1:My son is product of rape. My oldest son, um, and I had him right after I um, got out of high school. Um, I actually was pregnant with him at prom, didn't realize it and um, but I'm distraught. I'm in such a place it's like it's crazy and um still trying to make it Um, but I had no type of um like I could care. I really didn't care. I could care less about my dad at this moment, for real, for real, and in a way he tried to be there, but I just didn't care.
Speaker 1:My husband at that point, at that time he was there. We wasn't married, but we was just, you know dating and things like that he eventually proposed. My dad saw that he proposed I didn't even want him to actually come to my wedding at first, but I eventually did invite him to come to my wedding and but this was in when I realized, yeah, I'm actually going to get married. I need to fix this, because I knew I was going to get out on my husband realized, yeah, I'm actually going to get married. I need to fix this, because I knew I was going to take it out on my husband.
Speaker 1:Um, so there was something and this is why I say the patience of forgiving because I told when people will be in my life and when they realize, like my uh, my dad told my sisters or whatever, and I knew eventually, because he was married, that he probably actually was going to have kids. And I would say to myself, like if he actually had kids that I wanted nothing to do with my father, like that would be the end of ever um wanting to have any type of relationship with my dad, like if he actually goes with, like, go through this process and actually have children they come into this world by this other person then we're never going to be um in a relationship Like that was it and I was, I was. I meant that, uh, I did, I meant that, um, but what happened was God? Right, um, what happened was God and this is for those who are in him right, um, so fast forward then. My, yeah, he did have um, did have my.
Speaker 1:My sister's was born, my twin sister was born I think I don't know if they actually made a year old this time, but I was having a conversation but God has been pulling on me since that 10th grade about forgiving my father, which I did not care about doing so, or if I wanted to forgive him. My, in my mind, my dad has some explaining to do. Um, I had a whole list of questions and I was going to sit down and we was going to have a conversation and I was just going to lay it out, like why you did this, y and Z, blah, blah, blah. You know, and I wanted the he better answer correctly, and if he did not answer correctly, then I will not forgive him. Like that was my plan, that was how, that was my criteria of actually forgiving my father, that's what it was. That's not what happened, um, so, but it never happened that way and be like the longer that.
Speaker 1:I went through throughout my life, the first couple of years of my marriage and different things going on. If my dad says something to me, whatever case may be, I kind of I wasn't even mad at the girls, my twin sisters, because they had nothing to do with how they got here. They're innocent in all of this. It was my dad per se. They're innocent in all of this. It was my dad per se. So I would never, if they was in my presence, was planning on to really like treat them like some type of way, because they not. There wasn't a reason.
Speaker 1:But what happened and why? I say the patience of forgiving? First of all, god tells us that if you don't forgive, I'm not going to forgive you. That's just point blank, period, and so, and I guess I didn't care to some degree.
Speaker 1:But one day I was walking home from Walmart and God was really. He reiterated my supposed plan, right, and then, after he reiterated my supposed plan to me and I was like, yeah, that's right, god, because he better you know, say, you know whatever he said, no, lisa, I just want to just forgive him. And I was like God, did you hear what I just said I'm not forgiving him until you know. He gave me all my answer. He got some explaining to do and he said no, lisa, you're going to, you need to just forgive him and let it go. So of course I didn't do it right away, because I was serious. Um, it took for God himself. What happened was I couldn't sleep for like two weeks straight, at least two weeks straight. Um, he just kept giving me this dream of me of um. It was a like a courtroom and there was a, uh, a judge.