Be Clay
" You are the Potter, I am the Clay! " Like me, you may have heard this phrase multiple times and even said it yourself. Whether you are in the church or not, this has become a popular phrase; that eventually in some cases became a cliché. However, has it crossed your mind what it really means to say " I am the Clay"?When you hear this phrase, you may imagine the positions of a “Potter” and “Clay” in this relationship. Understanding that the “Potter” makes and molds the clay to the desired finished product. You understand that the “Potter” knows the process needed to obtain the product's intended purpose. You may even imagine a “Potter” molding clay on the Potter’s wheel into a bowl. It is only possible for the clay to become a bowl if it cooperates with the Potter. The clay has to understand that its duty is only to be molded. The “Potter's” purpose will never come to fruition if the “clay” is non-cooperative.
Here on the “Be Clay” podcast, we will talk about how to accept and endure the duty of clay, as we allow the Potter to perform the same. We will explore the positions of “The Potter” and “The Clay” and the dynamics of each role. In the past years, I have learned and am still learning the roles of “The Potter” and “The Clay”. I have come to the realization that I was not fulfilling the role of “The Clay”. Instead of allowing “ The Potter” to mold me, I was fighting back and trying to mold myself. You can imagine what a mess I made! If you can relate, know you are not alone. “You are the Potter, and I am the Clay” will not be just something you say, but you will learn and understand your role and “ Be Clay”
Be Clay
Parenting with Compassion Breaking the Chains of the Past
Letting Go for Generational Healing P2.
What happens when a recurring dream becomes the catalyst for a journey of profound forgiveness and healing? In this episode, we explore the transformative vision that led me to confront and forgive my father. Through a courtroom dream where grievances were aired but answers scarce, I realized that true forgiveness was about conveying my earthly pains to God. This spiritual dialogue not only provided emotional clarity but also paved the way for a deeper understanding of my father's actions and my mother's neutral stance.
As we unravel the complexities of forgiveness, we grapple with the internal conflict between seeking an apology and accepting that forgiveness doesn't always come with acknowledgment. Balancing the desire for closure with the need to safeguard oneself and loved ones poses a significant challenge, especially within the context of marriage and parenting. Personal anecdotes and introspective moments illuminate the struggle of reconciling with a parent while striving to protect the emotional well-being of one's own family. The discussion emphasizes empathy, understanding, and the spiritual implications of releasing past grievances.
The narrative extends to the importance of breaking cycles of resentment that can hinder future generations. By sharing stories of personal liberation through forgiveness, I highlight the crucial role of open communication in fostering healthier family dynamics. From addressing the impact of upbringing on parenting styles to healing from past conflicts, this episode underscores the necessity of self-awareness and adaptability. Join me in prioritizing self-care and forgiveness to cultivate a more supportive and loving family environment. Remember, you are loved, and so is the journey to healing.
Does forgiveness mean letting go?
Forgiveness is about choosing to let go of those feelings and thoughts. It doesn't mean being OK with what happened. Instead, choosing to forgive is about making a conscious decision to move forward and letting go of the pain.
How to Practice Forgiveness and Let Go of Resentment - Psych Central
Psych Central
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Not just today, but forever
Not just by some,
But by the ONE who created you in His Love
And HE's Not The ONLY One
We Love You Unconditionally
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There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!
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Thank you for tuning in. And here is part two of how I forgave my father. Stay tuned. So there was a. What is it Like? So, was it? I'm in a courtroom, right? And it was a? What was it called? A podium or whatever? Whatever the thing that the uh, and I wanted to be a lawyer trying not to know what these things are called. But anyway, whatever the um, whatever the judge sits at right now, it wasn't like a normal, I wouldn't say a normal, so like if you were in a courtroom, especially when, um, there is a, um, a jury or something like that, right, uh, where the you know the judge sits is higher, but the, I guess the um, the podium, basically, um, the sit is more wide, but this podium was like um, like a tall, I don't just make any sense, but was more so tall and although there was a, this was where the judge is standing at.
Speaker 1:Technically, there wasn't really a judge there. There was nobody there, um, but as far as in the courtroom, it was only me, my father, um, and it was basically like the plaintiff versus defendant, I guess, and I was. It was in this courtroom and um, well, I should say the first night, the judge. It was a judge, but I don't think I really conceded the face of the judge. It was a judge, but I don't think I really conceded the face of the judge. But the judge was saying OK, so we're here with Elisa versus your dad and I want you to tell me everything. You know whatever. So, like me, so I was basically had to tell my dad everything that that I was angry or mad at or whatever case may be. So I went down the list oh, when I was five and when I was 10 and when I was this and you did this and you did that and you know whatever. I just went down everything, oh, yeah. And another thing like I just went down the whole list of my whole entire life, just telling my father everything, and he wasn't able to speak or say anything, um, and so I just went down everything, but I really wanted a response from my father and he was not giving me a response.
Speaker 1:So, um, so this was going on the whole night and, um, I'm like, okay, whatever. And then so I didn't really get no sleep, especially since this is also when my uh, twin girls was very was, you know, just born, and so I had to like get up and feed them and stuff, and it wasn't like newborn newborns there was at least six, so I didn't have to get up as much, but I still had to get up and feed them and I was breastfeeding. So, um, I would just lay there and this will go on Like it was going on while I'm sleeping. Then, when my eyes was open, it was still going on. So I was tired, like what in the world? And so, um, this was going on for at least about two weeks.
Speaker 1:If it was going on for at least two weeks, like every night, the same dream, this, you know, dream slash vision, if you want to call it, because I wasn't always. I was actually really sleep for real. Um, I was awake every single night and I was getting. I was just sleepy every because I wasn't getting no sleep whatsoever. And I was getting. I was just sleepy every cause I wasn't getting no sleep whatsoever and I was just like, oh, my God, this is uh.
Speaker 1:So I talked to my mom and I was telling her about the dream and she was telling me that this was me. Um, talking to, the judge was God, and, um, I had to and I had to, I mean, and me talking and giving out, what was going on was me telling my heavenly father all the issues that I had with my earthly father and so and there's some other things, and I was just like, okay, fine. I was just like, okay, fine. So, um, I still was a little mad because I wanted my earthly father to actually give me all these answers to everything that I had issues with. Like, I wanted a response, is my mind. I was saying that he has some explaining to do. Um, I think I really, like I said I one thing that the issue that I had with my father is not the, the actual actions that he was taking, like not being here and all of those things.
Speaker 1:To a degree, and I can't really, you know, explain to a degree I understood why he left my mother, even though technically he would say, you know, I would tell you anything, but I would not tell you why I left my mother, even though technically he would say, you know, I would tell you anything, but I would not tell you why I left my mother. I didn't need that because I could see why he left it. And then it was ways that he was telling me without telling me, and then it wasn't nothing like my mother said about him, because my mother never said anything bad about my dad. To this day, would never say anything bad about my dad. Now she may say something to God himself about bad about my dad, her thoughts, whatever case may be, but as far as what I'm concerned, and in front of me and hear me as a child, as an adolescent and now as a grown adult, she still wouldn't actually say anything bad about my father. And so it wasn't nothing like I just knew right, because, again, like I told you, I began to develop a relationship with the manufacturer himself, with God himself, and so he was teaching me things then, and there was things I actually already saw, so he was trying to show me what I was seeing and, whatever, bring it to light.
Speaker 1:So, with all that being said, back to this, so it went on for at least another week and a half and what God was waiting for me to say was okay, God, I forgive him. And then you know everything else. So, but because I'm stubborn as I am, I you know, because that's not the way I want to forgive my father, I wanted him to actually say something. I want him actually to take responsibility. I just wanted a lot of. I just want something, and this is why I'm saying, like you know, you can be like me, because we want people to know and understand like you hurt me, like you know, we want them to hurt and then we even on vengeance against them because, um, I want you to hurt as much, I want you to hurt as much as you hurt me.
Speaker 1:In some ways, I felt the same way like I want you to hurt, like because I know that even if I was saying, if I was going to have that conversation with my dad, that I may actually set it on purpose in a way that can hurt him because he hurt me. And the way that he hurt me, because even when I told him that part, when I said that if he had kids, had kids, that we're not going to have a relationship, I actually told my father that I did, and he didn't even say anything back to me. He didn't say nothing, he didn't say I'm sorry, he didn't just say anything. And because I was already in my own or whatever, I just didn't care. Like it is what it is and in my own or whatever, I just didn't care. Like it is what it is, this is and this. And in my mind at that time, we had this conversation and I said this is why we're not going to have a relationship after this. If you, if you saw, if you go through this and I hope my father's listening this because then his mind, I hope he say but God, because that's exactly why we actually have a relationship now, because of God, um and um, but I didn't think that he deserved a relationship.
Speaker 1:I felt like, even at this moment, at this time, especially with me being married at this moment and having children of my own, um, you know, um, the things that I've been through up until that point, the things that I have survived, the things that, um, you know all of that and you know, I just like I don't to me. I felt like, well, you know, in reality I don't need him anyway. I got a whole husband now. Um, my sisters may need him at that time, um, uh, my, you know my other sister who's two years under me. She's already grown and there was one who wasn't grown yet and so you need to do something with that person. But I'm cool, I don't need you anymore.
Speaker 1:At that moment, this is what I was thinking this is what I felt like, like, and then, and even when God was at least forgiving, like and you know it's still I forgive, but I won't forget, type of a thing, I was having that whole, and even that was like, was I really going to forgive him if I had that whole notion? If I forgive him, I won't even forget, like, I know we say that, but in reality, are we really forgiving somebody if we're not really forgetting? Because in reality, I mean, think about it, if you really pay attention, that should open even the Webster Dictionary. We're not even talking about the Bible, right? I'm just, you know, we're looking at the Webster Dictionary and the Webster Dictionary actually says like, if you because I looked it up, you know, because that is based like forgiveness, actually, when you forgive someone, you actually like basically forgetting the debt that was owed to you, so you are actually forgetting.
Speaker 1:Do is not when true forgiveness is really remembering the lessons that need to be learned, but not actually remembering the I guess, what the emotions behind it, like the hurt, the pain, the, because that's what the depth that they owe, right, they owe you something from your pain and suffering. Am I making sense? Let me see. So, like I can, if true forgiveness is really um, where you, I don't. I'm not walking around like you owe me something, because I don't remember. I'm not remembering, uh, what caused for you to to have a death in the first place. What I'm remembering is a lesson that I have learned. So, like, depending on the person and whatever, like, you can love somebody from afar, so maybe I won't go, it's just, you know, go this way or that way, I'll do it a different approach with this person or whatever case and be. But if, if you come in, but if you come in my presence, if someone say your name, I'm not still walking around with anger, hurt, in whatever case may be, because that's true forgiveness. I'm not still walking around with anger, hurt and whatever case may be, because that's true forgiveness.
Speaker 1:And I it took me a minute, I really did not want to get to that point. I knew that was something that he was really trying to do and I didn't want to because I actually liked having the anger with my against my father, because I don't know. I just felt like maybe he deserved it. I don't know, and I knew as maybe he deserved it. I don't know, and I think also because I knew that was going to hurt him. I knew that it was hurting him for me to have this anger against him. I knew that because and I don't think he don't know this but when we were my grandmother, his mother moved to Georgia and when she moved to Georgia we drove down there with her um and then came home, and this is before, um, right before. We never saw him again, like for a whole year. Um, so we, when we went down there, I stayed with my grandmother. I was because I hated my father, so I would not ride with, I was not going to ride with him there. Unfortunately, I had to ride with him back. So I rode down there with my grandmother there, stayed with my grandmother. When we came back I was riding with him.
Speaker 1:Now, back in the day, you know, we didn't have a GPS on our phones and stuff like that. We actually had that MapQuest. So my dad had the MapQuest and he had the MapQuest on the computer. But something happened. He had me look up to try to find something on the computer and, upon trying to find whatever, he was asking me to look on his computer. Um, his laptop, that think pad right. Um, I saw and this was by accident, but I saw a letter that he was writing to me. Now he ever, never actually gave it to me. So, yeah, see that. So I don't know if you still got this letter, but yeah.
Speaker 1:But, and I was mad. First of all, I was mad at the fact that he actually wrote me a letter, right, and I didn't even want to read it, like I forget it, but it was right there. So I read I think I didn't read the whole thing, I think I read a little bit of it, like the first couple sentences or whatever like that, and then I just put it away because I couldn't care less. But in the first a couple of sentences was, I guess, in a way where he was not happy with our relationship at that moment and wish that he could have said something better, um, and so I did something, and then he was apologizing, let's see. No, he was just expressing, you know, that in this first few sentences, but I'd let it go. So I knew that he felt some type of way, but because he didn't open his mouth and say something to me, then none of that mattered, and so this is why I'm saying about as far as, um, you know, we can forgive.
Speaker 1:Most times we don't forgive because we, you know, we just like being in that space of that victimatology where you hurt me and so because you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you. Because some of, especially some parents I can't speak for every parent, but there are parents that who are really sorry for the things they did and what type of parents they were, but they just don't know how to, just don't know how to apologize. They don't know how to actually say I'm sorry To you. You feel like, oh, you just say I'm sorry, but it's not always that easy to say I'm sorry for multiple reasons. I'm sorry for multiple reasons.
Speaker 1:There may be some, like like great anxiety for that person. There are things about our own self, like this weekend I actually was having a whole anxiety attack at my children's show. And because I'm working on, you know, I'm really working on these anxieties I have, and so in these things, this anxiety that I have and why I was having the attack, if I really was expressing to someone, they would look at me like, well, it's not that, it really is not that big of a deal. All you had to do was X, y and Z, but for me it really was a big deal for multiple reasons, because this gives me great anxiety, like some things, like we just don't, like you don't understand what really goes on in the mind of a person, especially of a parent. Um, anyway, unless we was actually in their shoes and there's no way we can fully 100 be in their shoes there's no way that we can really um, under you know, like I don't, I don't know everything that my father went through growing up as a child, because I wasn't there. I don't know, um, all his anxieties that he have. I only know, for the most part, number one, what he told me and also what God himself allows me to see and know. And so, other than that, everything that I know is actually limited. And so, um, you know, you have to look at and I'm saying from as a grown child to your parents, and especially if you're looking at your parents, like, oh my God, they should have blah, blah, blah. Should they really Right? And according to who? And I'm not, I'm just saying, I'm not saying they was correct, I'm just saying give them the grace.
Speaker 1:Um, there are things that we say that we won't do, and I said this before. Well, it depends on let you put yourself in a in a right um situation, and you may be surprised what you would or would not do. Um, even the fact of him abandoning me and my sisters, um, uh, and I say but he, he learned abandonment. And so if he learned abandonment, in order for him to actually not abandon, he would really have to learn how, like, what was the reason? Like he really would have to really pay attention and really seek a way to understand why his dad abandoned, so that he won't do it again. He won't be the one to do it again. And that takes a lot, that takes some, that takes some type of a mindset to really not abandon.
Speaker 1:Because, as much as we want to say that we won't do the same thing our parents did, we wind up doing it because we don't understand why they did it in the first place. We don't understand what caused them really to do things in the first place. And so, in order for us for really, for real, for real not to do the things that they did, then we have to figure, we have to, there's have to be some type of troubleshooting. Now a lot of troubleshooting wouldn't be happening because we really don't care in the first place, like we, you know, and the way that we're saying we're not going to be like our parents is based upon our own perception and what we think that you know, our perception of what should have happened and what they have done, and so that's why we wind up still doing what our parents did, and even more so.
Speaker 1:And so, um, to some degree, um, like in different areas, um of my life, even throughout the process of when God was like Lisa, forgive, forgive, forgive, and I'm just like no, I'm not going to forgive, I don't care what you say, god, this is not happening. Like I'm not doing it until I realize you either want to forgive or you or you never get no sleep. And eventually I did. I said OK, finally, god, I'm going to forgive. Because I was tired this is for about like a month and a half Like I could not sleep whatsoever Um, I was just on fumes and it was horrible. Um, I barely was making it.
Speaker 1:And um, because I kept having the same dream over and over and over and over and over again, and it was even especially once I received the interpretation of the dream and I definitely was even more angry because I said I don't care, I'm still not going to forgive my father, like I don't care what I said it all you know here, because I didn't say to my father face to face and so that was my position. But eventually I said, okay, fine, god, I forgive. Now, as soon as I say I um, because I already said it all, uh, in the dream, um, all I had to do now just let it all go. So you know, I prayed and I asked him to help me to just let it all go. Um, that took about two to three nights to do that, or two, three, you know, days and nights to actually begin to like really let it go.
Speaker 1:I did that and once I did that, there was such a peace that I received and a rest, like I can't even explain it, but it was just like I don't know, it was just so, it was a, it was a, it was was this? I think it was right before, because, what's this? Because not too long ago after this was my birthday. Um, right, because it was like september, I remember now. So not too long ago after this was my birthday and um, but after a day or two, after I finally forgave him. He gave me this piece, everything that I, that whole list that I had of, oh, he got that.
Speaker 1:I say he got something explaining to do of why he did this, that the other God answered all those questions a, I lied to you, now, every last one. He went into death, he went into the root, he went into why this and why that. Like he just gave me every answer that I needed and plus some. And I looked at that and said, dad, I should have forgave him a long time ago. He was like I tried to tell you, but he didn't't say I tried to, I was thinking that, but he did, and that is how I, and basically that's how I forgave, without my dad ever actually saying I'm sorry. To this day he um, um. He didn't actually say um, like it wasn't. I mean, I think to this day there was a couple of things that I think I brought up in the conversations.
Speaker 1:Whatever that we may have had, um, that he may have, that he said sorry for, but it wasn't really that much, cause I don't really need him to say I'm sorry anymore because you know, god gave him, god gave me everything that I needed, because forgiveness is not really for the other person. Forgiveness is really for yourself. Um, there's a lot of when you walk around with anger and resentment and stuff, like you really in bondage. Um, my son says something. Um, when he was very young, we were, um, I don't know some having type of devotional and we was talking about forgiveness and he was just saying that when you don't forgive someone, it's like being in a dungeon, something like that. It's like it's like being in a dungeon, something like that. It's like being in a dungeon, like you're just in prison.
Speaker 1:Someone else said unforgiveness is let me see if I can say it correct Unforgiveness is like drinking poison but hoping that the other person dies from it, something like that. So like, so, like, yeah, unforgiveness like drinking. You're the one that's drinking the poison, but you're hoping the other person dies from it, and so I plead with you to just let it go. Now, for those over in God, you know you can really pray and ask Him. I mean, I'm sure that, first of all, if you're in God, I'm sure that God Himself is tugging on you to forgive, because you're going to come to God and be like oh God, please forgive me, and he'll be like I would but remember that unforgiveness you got against your mother and your daddy, which you refuse to really Like. It's one thing to struggle, but it's another thing when you refuse. Right, I said I.
Speaker 1:He was at least a forgiving. I was like I'm not, I'm not gonna forgive him, not with none whatsoever, like we're not doing that thing, like no, like, um, nope, he don't even deserve it. That's how I felt. He don't even deserve forgiveness and I felt like, because he didn't even ask him for it. So, but at the end of the day, there's things that jesus himself gave me and I didn't even ask for. And I think that is what makes it me, um, not look for to, and not just, like I told you before, not just Jesus himself, but people.
Speaker 1:There was multiple times Like, if you really pay attention, there's multiple times that you have received things that you didn't deserve and we're giving right, even if you're saying, if you're like I'm so nice to people and people are so mean, but remember, if you give it out, you're going to get that back. So if you're nice, there's multiple times when people is nice to you and you technically probably didn't deserve it because you had a little bad day, you looked at somebody wrong, or just you, whatever, and if somebody was still nice, it's okay. Whatever, whatever, whether it was just one person, that was all enough. And so forgive, forgive, because if you don't, I'm telling you it's going to be a cycle, it's going to continue on, it's going to be in your kids, like in your kids, kids, kids, kids, kids. I mean it's going to go from generation to generation of unforgiveness and it's going to get worse each time. Forgive, let it go. It's not.
Speaker 1:Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning whatever was wrong. Throw that out. Throw that out Like we, somehow we have come to to got the perception that if I forgive them, what I'm saying is is that I'm condoning whatever they did wrong. That's not what you're doing. You're not condoning what they did. Whatever they did is whatever they did. It is what it is, because we are all flawed individuals. We're human beings. We always want to make mistakes. We're never like neither no one is going to be without any mistakes Like we're always going to do something that's wrong.
Speaker 1:And just because someone did something wrong to you does not mean you're not going to do something wrong to someone else, because I'm sure you have every. You probably thought something wrong about somebody. You probably talk I mean, listen, if I mean, if the table's really returned on you, but we, just you, and your whole life was on display, like you wouldn't even want to be there to watch it. So, like, just forgive, even for yourself and for those who are parents, even for your children, because we're teaching our children not to forgive, and even in our parenting, because we didn't forgive our parents and we feel like, oh well, they should have done blah, blah, blah blah, x, y and Z, right. And because they didn't do blah, blah, blah, x, y and Z, now we all doing, overly, doing things for our own kids because we didn't, because we feel like we lacked in this way, right when.
Speaker 1:But that just because you lacked it does not mean that's what your kids really need, right? You can't take what, supposedly what you think that was the right fit for you as a type of household you think that you should have grew up in, is the right, exact right fit for your children, because your children are not you. They're of you, they're like you, but they are not you, and so it's like now you're taking something that don't fit on them and you are forcing it to fit on them and that's not fair, and so you know, so'm going to give you this, because my mom didn't give me that. That's nice, but is this, is that something that your children really need? Is that what they really need? Does that really work for them? Because, um, you didn't get it. This is something that I even.
Speaker 1:That's why I said I was grateful for the patience that he had me, because I myself, who, having six kids, like transparency. There was no type of such thing as transparency in my house, right, and we didn't really talk about stuff, like if something really was wrong, we talk about it, right. So now, in some cases, I I realized, okay, I overly talk too much with when it comes to with my children. Um, I talked to them, but I had to. So I had to scale back, even now, um, I think within last year, and so I had to start going back to my kids and say you know what, I'm sorry that your mama should have said this. Your mama should have said that she shouldn shouldn't talk to you like this, like whatever, because but I was overly.
Speaker 1:Now I'm still transparent to her, but now I have to now pay attention to giving it to them, depending upon who I'm talking to, the age of my children, the maturity of my children and all of that. And not just like, well, because my mama ain't tell me and my daddy, and now I'm just going to like, you know, because I can't give them what I expected they were supposed to work for me, just because, and I also even learned that, um, with my son, with my youngest son, um, where, um, my youngest son is like me, okay, um, we were born, grown and not grown Like we'd be sassy or whatever, like that, but we were born with a very, very old soul. If you were to say, um, growing up, people used to call me either their mom or their grandmom. So I didn't, I wouldn't always say I had a lot of friends per se. A lot of times people was my friends because I was like their mom and even though we probably like the same age or something, but I still was like the mom. I even had somebody's mother said to their child like, oh, you're fine, because you were elisa, that's your, that's your school mom, something like that she called like that. So that is what I was like their mom, somebody's mom or someone's grandmom.
Speaker 1:Because that is the what I have now, but because of how I grew up, in the environment that I grew up, um, uh, I didn't always speak outwardly, I thought it, but I didn't always say it to some degree, um, because I knew the type of place I was in my son, my son is going to say it. Okay, he's going to think it and he's going to say it. And so when I realized now he's 12, and it's been like this for 12 years or one, when he started talking for real, for real Since one, and when I realized how he was, I was like, oh man, this is going to be hard because he's just like his mother and I knew he got it from me, like you know, and I can see it and I can see his frustrations, um, even, you know, at a younger age and um, so I, but I did not get um other than maybe my grandmother, who died when I was five, um, up until then, um other than her, as, growing up, I didn't really get someone to try to really help and nurture that part, like, okay, lisa, like you got to do this way, you got to do that way to, or I'm not going to. There was a few, but that was there. Now, when we think about it, I don't want to say it was nobody there but, um, but that was there. Now, when I think about it, I don't want to say there was nobody there, but it was there, but they left right, or it wasn't there as long as I needed.
Speaker 1:And so to really nurture that and say you can still be who you are. It's just that you have to learn how to be who you are. And so, remember, I said that because of not really learning how to be who I was, I buried that person. And you know, every now and then that person came out and everything else, um, because people was yearning for that and pulling on that. Whatever case and be, but I'll put her right back where she belonged. Or, you know, digger, you know bury her deeper and deeper.
Speaker 1:But my son, it was no burying that person, not all the way. He, that person was out and he just was like, just speaking, and I can see the frustration because of the responses that he was getting. And so I was like, well, I get it, so I'm going to give it to my son. And so I was just like giving it to him and giving it to him, but I was giving it in such a way that I expected that I need it.
Speaker 1:And then I'm realizing, as time going on to me and my son, we really butt heads, like we are really frustrated, being around each other at multiple times, and I'm getting mad at him Like, well, I'm giving you what I never got. You know, um, my mom and you know people didn't, they didn't I you, I mean I get. I understand where you are because I was the same way and I didn't have no one to do this and did this or whatever. But I'm trying to help you out. Why are you not accepting my help? And I mean this was going on for a very long time until my eyes was open.
Speaker 1:And I'm giving him what I was expecting me to have at that age and it took a moment. I had to have at that age and I had to, and it took a moment. I had to stop for a moment. And I mean he was getting, it was getting bad. I mean it was getting bad. I mean he was frustrated To the point after a while I felt like he hated me, like he didn't even like me or whatever they you know, because that's how bad it was getting between me and my son. You know I won't say certain things. He won't say certain things because we'll get into this place, the state you know, and he like well, you're not listening to me. And I'm like, well, you're not listening to me, like it was. It's a constant battle. So and I had.
Speaker 1:Then I had to learn that part. Stop giving him what you think that you needed, that you lacked from your parents, from um, you know, and everything. And it wasn't just him was also my other child, like you know. I'm saying like have six. So it was different areas of my life, um, and different versions of me as a parent that began to pour too much on my kids, based upon what I did not get and receive from my, from my parents, um, even when it came to school and stuff like that, and they wasn't doing too well.
Speaker 1:And I remember my dad, when I wasn't doing too well, he was blaming me like you're never going to make it, you're not going to. You know all this stuff. And because I didn't, and I'm like okay, so now, and I'm just pouring a lot more on them in another way, just trying to right the wrongs that my parents did, and so by and this is so. This is why, like, even though I forgave my father at that point, there was different stages that I had to go through after that to really kind of like, um in different levels of letting go certain things. That, um, that is still with me now.
Speaker 1:Um, that I was holding on to the way what my mom said, what my dad said, and different things, because it was really affecting how I'm parenting my children, and so pay, like, really take us as parents, take a step back and look to see back and look to see where you may be doing the same thing, um, as far as just trying to quote, quote, right, the wrongs that your parents didn't, didn't do, cause, and where you are so more you're so focused on trying not to be like your parents, quote, quote and do what your parents did, quote, quote that now that you're, in a way, still doing the same things that your parents do, but doing it worse, right, because you are now you are neglecting what they really need, what your children really need, um, and so, uh, if you are still raising your children, you have time right To kind of like, uh and say, like I, you know, like I'm still raising five, right, one is already grown, um, and I still still. There's some things like now, I'm right now rewriting some wrongs, um, in my parenting and um, based upon a lot of things, and I'm coming back and that's why I say, like I'm you know, I'm in the season where, like to tell you the truth, I'm in a season, right, listen, my, I have six generations, six generations that I birthed and I need to. I'll be 40 in two years. Right, I turn 38 in October and in two years, my twin girls will actually be 18, my oldest will be 21. And so I have two years and two years I will have three adults, three adults.
Speaker 1:So I have some things to do, I have some wrongs I need to write because I and um is to say, listen, and I still got, and I still got time Cause I'm still, you know, technically, raising them girls, right, there will be 16 next month, and so I got two years in a month to really like, okay, right, some wrongs. And now here's how we're going from here, as I'm raising them now, and for my son that's grown now it's like, listen, my bad, I didn't know it, but now I'm a little mature, I know better, so I'm doing better. Here's where you can go from from now. Here's where you can go from here, um, now that you are grown, and how to be a man and everything else like that. Um, here's the resources that I'm going to give you to help you seek that and you know all those things. This is where we're going from here, um, but for those, you know, for my other five, it's just like my bad, uh, but let's go. Here's where we're going from here, um, and mommy's not going to do this now, she's going to do that now. Mommy's doing this, she's doing that, she's getting her stuff fixed. Last year, um, and I'm going to end with this is um, and I'm going to say these two things Um, it's okay.
Speaker 1:I believe this is how I believe. I believe that it's okay to tell your children um to a to an extent right, depending on where your children are and how old they are, and things like that. Mommy is not OK. I think one of the things was hard is because you know, we can see that my children saw that mommy was not OK and I saw when my parents were not OK. But if you will see, they will still say, oh no, I'm OK, and we know that you're lying Right Because we can see that you're not okay. But if you would see, they would still say oh no, I'm okay, and we know that you're lying right Because we can see that you're not okay. There's the evidence says that you're not okay. I believe to.
Speaker 1:For me, I believe that, um, that it was okay to to to say mommy's not okay. Last I told you I had a major breakdown and basically, almost you might as well say it was really in front of my kids, and so I knew I could not say I'm OK, because they're looking at me like I can see that you're not OK, like this is not OK, you're scaring me, and but what I did was I, when I got myself together, I told my kids and this is something because I didn't see my parents actually do, this is something because I didn't see my parents actually do I told my kids that, listen, when you're on a plane, they tell you to put the mask on you first and then give it to the next person. And I'm telling you that mommy never learned how to put the mask on her first and then give it to everyone else. I've learned to put the mask on you to put the mask on your dad, to put the mask on everybody else and then put it on myself, but by the time the mask gets to me, ain't nothing really left. And so I'm taking whatever is left and I'm using that to function, but I can't function. There's nothing really left. So what mommy has to do now is take that mask and put it on herself and then to get everything I need to be able to take care of you and put the mask on you and take care of you guys. And so when I explained to them that that way, so and I said so, now my all mom you're going to do right now is take care of herself. I can't do. I mean not that I was like I, I'm not, you know whatever, but it was limited of how I could take care of them, because I said I'm not, I haven't been taking care of you well, because I have nothing left to give you Um and um. And so this is why this has been happening and different things has been happening, because I don't have enough left. And so once they okay, so now it would would.
Speaker 1:I think, really, what happened with them is they realized, okay, like there was transparency. Mommy's not okay, but she's getting okay, she's going to be okay. And so they saw me doing the things I need to do to get okay. I went and started talking to people that I can really trust, really asking God who can I trust first? Um, talking to talking to people that I can really trust, really asking God who can I trust first, talking to people that I really can trust and continue to talk to them. I need help right and being more honest and vulnerable with the things that I need to help with. And I did that.
Speaker 1:And once I started doing that, like before I used to get mad at my kids for not wanting to go to therapy, but how they not going. If I wasn't going to therapy and talking to nobody and doing and figuring out myself why was I really expecting my kids to do the same thing? And so once they saw me doing that and talking to people and whatever, and I was getting, that made them easy for them to get better. And so now we have an open dialogue, now we can talk, now we can talk about things better.
Speaker 1:And then with my son, once I realized what I was doing, even him I went back and said you know what you know. I'm so sorry I was giving, not, you know, I was giving you what I expected, my you know whatever, and I know you hear me keep saying it, but I realized you what I expected, whatever, and I know you hear me keep saying it, but I realize that I'm doing it. So now we got to figure out what you actually need. And that means apologizing to them and like, okay, so my man know better, because there is no real big good blueprint necessarily, and you are, we are learning as we go along, and so you know. But begin to take a step back and observe, like really observe, you know, and not trying to blame shift everybody. Oh well, it's my mom fault, my dad fault, blah, blah, blah. Cause, at the end of the day, now you're the mom, right Now you're. You know, if there's fathers here, now you're the father, what you want to do with your own family, right? Um, if your mom and dad wasn't wrong, okay, it is what it is.
Speaker 1:That was, that was a long time ago, that was a long time ago. We can. We can move on from here. Um is is, it's up to you, but we can move on from here. Um, let just let it go. Um, whatever versions of what they were at that moment, at that time, it is what it is right. Um, you weren't there to the to that most extent and their mindset with reason, why they did whatever they did, why they left, why it is. You weren't really all the way there and so, yes, it hurts, yes, there was a lot of negative consequences and things like that. You may have a lot of anxieties as an adult from here because of all of that. I get it. Now it's time for us to go move on from here, because if you don't move on from here, because if you don't move on from here, like I said, it's going to, it's your children's and your children's children's children, your children's, children's children's children's children. You understand what I'm saying? Like it's really going to be cycles of this. How about you say you know what? I need to put the mask on myself, I need to get some therapy, I need to figure this out, and so the buck can stop here, that it won't continue on in my children.
Speaker 1:And if you've seen in your children, if you're still raising your children, then come back and say you know what? I'm sorry, my bad, my mom, you know there were some things I did. I didn't forgive my mom for this, blah, blah, blah. I mean you ain't got to tell them every last listen. There's some things that I didn't like. There's some things I told my kids like. There's some things that I didn't forget my mom for. There's some things I didn't forgive my sister for. There's some things that I didn't do. This and I need to get this together because I don't want I don't want to happen is this is what I tell my kids is that, um, the cycle continues. When it comes to you guys, there are some things that I've seen that, with my way my children interact with each other, resemble some stuff, the way that I saw that my aunts and uncles interacted with my parents and their children interacted with us, and so I knew, I understood, even from then, because of those, that their cycles will continue. And so, and you know what I'm going to say, this one thing, and then this is it. I'm done, I'm sure I'm fine, right, I want to say this. I really want to end on this part and on this note for sure. So make a long story short.
Speaker 1:Me and my sister the one is right under me Our, our relationship is was complicated growing up, okay, um, when, when I, um, when we was growing up, and everything else. There's some issues that she had against me and whatever, and I wouldn't say vice versa. My issues with her was the fact that she had these issues with me, and I understand why. With all that being said, at this point in time I already had my son, isaiah, and she was about like 16, right, 17, she, um and everything, and by this time I I made up in my mind I'm not having no relationship with my sister. I'm not gonna try. No, no more, it is what it is, it whatever. Like, I love my sister, but I'm just gonna love her from a distance as much as I can, because at the same time at this is this we still lived in the same house, um, and to me, cause it's from the way that she was treating me, it was my perception that she hated me, right, so, um, and that was it. So, um, because she hated me, there's nothing for me to say do whatever. That's how I was.
Speaker 1:So I used to say to my so someone asked me a question If someone say something like how about you know if you're going to this place, how about you invite your sister, or something like that. I'm like, well, I wouldn't invite her because she hates me, I'm going to stay away from her as much as I can. That's what I should say. I just kept saying it over and over again Every time, something I wouldn't say it like, and I wasn't saying it where she can hear me and everything like that. It just is how I felt, like she hates me, so I'm going to stay away from her as much as I can. But people were suspecting, like other family members, other people were suspecting they'll always do something, whatever. And I said, and they was trying to figure out, why am I not, uh, being around her as much? And so I would say, and I would let them know, because she hates me and I'm not gonna. It's no point of me being in the presence of somebody that hates me and so so, um. So I didn't even know that she actually was actually Hearing me say this, because I wasn't necessarily always saying it in her Presence per se.
Speaker 1:But one day my cousin, um, asked me a question and was um, you know, in a response to like oh well, um, you know Something she said. And she said won't you Take your sister, something like this. She said oh, ask your sister. And I said no, I'm not going to ask her. I told you she hates me, so I wouldn't need. Why would she even want to do anything whatever? And so at this time we was in the living room and my sister was upstairs in her room, and so she yells down. She comes into the hallway at the top of the steps and she yells downstairs. I don't know why she keeps saying I hate her. I don't hate her, right, and I didn't. I didn't say anything. I looked first of all. I was. I looked at her like wait, what? Why is she like? I didn't even know she heard me because it wasn't. I didn't say it loud for her to hear me. So I was surprised she heard me and I was surprised that she actually heard me. As many times that I have said it. So that's what she said. So, all right, fast forward. I have my own kids, right, I have six kids.
Speaker 1:My daughter was treating my son a certain way. Every time he comes into, like in a room with her or whatever case may be, she always would say something bad, and I saw that she was doing the same thing that my sister was doing to me. So I had a conversation with my daughter. I told my daughter, I said, hey, uh, you know, don't do this because blah, blah, blah. And then I actually told her now I even get to the part about me hating If I told her that me. Your aunt has a very complicated relationship and I know this can go to that point. If you don't, whatever, let's figure out what's wrong and whatever case can be, so that we won't get there. And she was like my daughter was like no, ma, I'm not like you, that's not going to happen to me. Like, um, you know, that's not it, whatever, whatever. So she was not listening.
Speaker 1:So one day, eventually my son starts saying oh, you know, she hates me, she hates me. And when I was hearing that, I was like, oh, my God, right. And I said no, she don't hate you, whatever. So, same way, I didn't really know that my daughter actually was hearing him saying it, but I was trying to console him. But no matter nothing, what I said really helped, because this is what my daughter was doing to him, this is what he felt. So one day he was like, yeah, she hates me. And my daughter yelled down. I don't hate you. I don't know why you keep saying it. She's like I don't know why you keep saying I hate you. I don't hate you. The exact same way Now, mind you, my kids was not there because they wasn't born. Ain't none of that right? But the exact same way. I mean the exact same thing.
Speaker 1:That my sister said to me, or you know about me, was what my daughter said about my son, and so I'm telling you that cycles repeats itself, and if you don't want those same things in your children, or for those whatever your children really to go through what you went through, or have those same notions, you're going to have to make a decision to forgive and to let go and to heal, um, heal from all those things that they did, so that you can be a better versions of yourself First. You gotta be a better, better version of yourself first before you can be a better parent. Uh, wife, um, you know, wife, mother, sister, daughter, all of those whatever roles that you're playing in as many you have, um, those are the things that's going to have to happen. So, with all that being said, I'm ending on this note, um, and to challenge you to really take a just take a just you know. Take a step back and really pay attention to how you're interacting with yourself, with your children, with your parents or whatever your siblings. If those are the people that you really not um, you know you got unforgiveness for, for the things just let them go. If you're gonna need some help, then get. Get the help that you need to whatever.
Speaker 1:And and you may not always be able to actually go to the person and say stuff, because I didn't think I really could go to my mother and tell her stuff and I don't know, it's kind of hard to really go to my father and still really have that conversation, because in reality, like I said, I really just want him to heal so that he can be able to raise the daughters that he's still raising now. Um, we had God. I'm not saying God is not dead life, but me and my sister have God, which is why we were able to be you know where we are now even a relationship. Now I can't, I don't know. I'm not saying they don't have them, but at the same time, I want him to be able to um forgive himself for the things that he has done so he can be a better father to the, to my sisters.
Speaker 1:Um, and I want all parents that if you really realize there's a lot of things that you did wrong, um, you know that you have done wrong, that you are able to forgive yourself and heal. Um, even for my mother, that's all I wanted was when I tell her not to just be like, oh my god, you was a bad parent or you was a bad mother, you know whatever, but that you're able to hear like that I really messed up in that version of myself at that time. This is all I know. I didn't know better. That's great.
Speaker 1:Now I just want you to understand and know the truth so that you can heal, because the truth is what's going to set you free and as long as we, unforgiveness is basically lying and so, like you're not going to be free, you're always going to be bound. And so we can understand the truth that, whatever version of our parents was at that time, that's the best that they can do in their nature and our human nature, right, um, and I know that's hard to really fathom and to really accept, but it is in reality. That is the truth, that, in ways, those are the best they can do in that nature that they were in, and give them that grace because you know, and forgive them and heal everyone. I pray that everyone is able to heal. You know we all can heal.
Speaker 1:So again, thank you for listening and staying this long. If you made it to this far, I don't even know if you had to stop a couple of times. But I will see you on. I keep saying see you, but eventually we won't see each other. When you see me, I don't know about seeing you, but eventually you're going to be able to see me. But I will catch you in the next episode and know that you are loved. You are the poster, so I am a big lady, big lady.